Year-round Yuletide oddities
Now for the rough stuff.
“Who Mugged Santa?” does result in some jolly leg cast and merry missing toys. This odd Welsh kidsong from Carlton Lawrence with some dub step beats pulls no punches, or banjo strums–but there’ll be a happy ending if you can just hang on.
Unwanted and intimidating attention has been criminalized since 1990 in the ol’ USA (seeming to lead the globe in deranged surveillance). And during such a romantic time of year (i blame Hallmark), up your Xmas creep on the famous, prior intimates, or even strangers.
Light touch from The Fatty Acids who are in the first bloom of “Christmas Stalking” with some lovely retro ’70s rock and balladeering.
My absolute favorite weirdness i will repeat is Rocket Summer’s “Elf Creep.” It’s alt-tastic.
Lis Mata has a swirling pop number for “Christmas Stalking” which mashes up Taylor Swift and Mariah Carey (in the worst possible ways). The song, however, is disturbingly darling (‘Fatal Attraction’ for millennials).
The guy version from Matt Roach seems much more sinister despite the pop elements to his “Christmas Stalkings.” Domestic abuse call!
‘Let me be’ complains Dr. BLT of your “Christmas Stalking,” an experimental folk acid trip. He can’t have any Xmas fun without you being THERE.
Mary Cobham of The Maughams is “Christmas Stalking” Jay Ferguson (of the Canadian rock band Sloan) with slipshop pop (as verisimilitude for her unbalanced state) (i guess).
Surely it can’t happen to little old you…. But, “Santa Claus is Stalking You” warns Ella Rue with some graphic imagery you should steel yourself for. Jolly uke folk.
Tinhorn symphonia from Linnzi Zaorski is better at the playfulness (well, less torture) with “Christmas Stalking.” I can see a 1930s ‘Merrie Melodies’ cartoon rolling out over it.
Don’t take the kids! Not for Xmas! Oh, wait, Santa’s fair game. I mean, since ‘Nightmare before Christmas’ that’s just the cost of learning lessons.
While i might avoid the Danny Elfman original soundtrack, let’s cue up Romeon Hustle to see how “Kidnap Sandy Claws” plays in the ‘hood.
Draztik gets a BLUE ALERT with their mad rap “Kidnapping of St. Nick.” It’s all about unfairness of a closed economic system, but the video takes itself seriously (careful of the 1/2 minute epilogue where Santa gets back his).
Jim Boutell goes honky tonk with “Someone Kidnapped Santa Claus.” It’s all kidsong begging for the big guy’s return, but with beerstains and spilled ashtrays.
Get busy extorting, or get busy doing something else. Santa seems like a primo target.
Little Johnny peps up the parang with “Santa Blackmail,” which comes across more threatening from his youthful energy. Give the Barbadian kid what he wants!
Apart from some footage of bank jobbers in Santa-guise, the idea of robbing a bank around Christmas is ludicrous. Banks aren’t even open at Xmas!
Overkill has a poppy naughty bit of B&E with their “Xmas Song.” There may be masks and guns and crews so let’s include this lovely novelty here. (The song ends halfway through with a gasp of a BLUE ALERT then reprises. ‘Sworth it.)
So Souveniir’s “Christmas Bank Heist,” while emo alt-fun, may not involve any actual crimes… maybe arson. But it may be the fever dream of another disaffected loser. Still, weee.
Some forms of theft get their own genre. Well, maybe not grand theft sleigh…
Or–? “Santa Took My Car” is the island-themed pop from Duck Logic Comedy about what a bro’ does with borrowed posessions.
Scott Campbell goes for a flying joyride in the pop’billy “Christmas Crime.” What a ride.
While codified and proscribed over 50 years ago, identity theft is now more than ever the new mantra of fearmongers everywhere. Digital age drawback, dudes.
James Schramm does a half-minute of driving pop honky tonk with “Christmas Identity Theft.” But it’s all about the cosplay. And forgetting to turn on your clones’ ‘phone.
Envy rears its green eyes this time of year, so lock up your Daisy Springfield rifles! Domino-masked nogoodniks are a-commin’ for what you believe is yours.
The presents were stolen! in Scud FM’s “Christmas Crime.” Lounge blues highlighted with some disco electronica. But they even took the dog!
It was the “Selfish Elf” who stole it all! A bit of the old Bo Diddley from James Leo Oliver pointing blame hither and yon.
Psychedelic rap from Splish Splash and Youngicewater twist the real out of “Christmas Robbery.” BLUE ALERT, or is it?
Lyrical pop from Ages revives the ’90s enough to romanticize “Stealing the Season.” The miserable ones.
The Screaming Thieves light alt “A Christmas Story (A Robbery)” with smiling slight of hand. Dig the picking.
In a strange twist, Bah & The Humbugs bear witness to some punks “Stealing Nativity.” Simple vandalism you say? Lord no, the bastard.
Barry Thomas Goldberg & The Ironweeds shred the soft rock out of “Christmas Robbery.” Sweet thievery.
What a perfect time of the year to perfect the five-fingered discount.
Tamale House Migas Plate rowdy down the garage with “Shoplifting for Christmas.” It’s for the kids.
For the rest of the family Rx2 homestudios the chiming and rhyming easy listening “Shoplifting for Christmas.” Ask for anything–the size of his pockets!
Done Lying Down uses ‘that greedy little palm of my hand’ for some “Christmas Shoplfiting,” funky alt-blues rock with an agenda.
New Bad Things explores experimental garage with “Shoplifting You Something for Christmas.” Some of those boxers, ‘kay?
If you were to string every cinematic/televised crime scene together, you’d be dead (there’re too many). Surely these happen on Christmas Day.
Kerry Pastine and The Crime Scene holler out a swampbilly “Crime Scene Christmas” as if they were getting away with it. I’m taking a step back, myself.