Month: April 2019

Igniting the Yule Log

Let’s keep you in the mood with even more exciting Xmas tunes that’ll lift your pants.

Allstarbandit elctro-Djs “Dirty Horney (Under the Misteltoe)” as a dance experiment in lusting up the joint. I give it a 7, Johnny: i don’t unnerstanem, but i can bump2it.

“Horny at the Holidays” by dadaists Barnes & Barnes might cool your jets. Ironic eroticism is curious, but offputting.

Santastic is a labor of love by DJs, mashup artists, and the like, sampling all the hits to recreate new experiences for you and yours at the holidays. Mousee T and The Dandy Warhols are spliced up for “Horny Christmas” as doctored up by Loo & Placido off the Santastic 6 album. It’s easier to just lissen up.

High Mojo (BLUE ALERT)

Other significant contributors to the sexualization of Christmas carols include the gonzo pyschobillyist Mojo Nixon. Neil Kirby McMillan Jr may be retired now, but he has left a legacy of ’80s frat boy scream-alongs that echo today with the the truth of sexual imperative.

With The Toadliquors 1992 Mojo gave unto us Horny Holidays! an album of blue material including “It’s Christmas Time” where the blues bust loose in a cry for lovin’ that is found under the belt area.

The cover of Jimmy Butler’s “Trim Your Tree” maintains the strain on the buttoned-up pants.

Horny Claus is a prime actor in “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” This rambles, shambles, and doublebacks. Man, that’s the nastiest!

Making Merry (BLUE ALERT)

Time to recognize the few, the brave, the messed up groups out there who make an effort to eroticize the Advent for their own reasons.

HC Weinberg & His Midwest Merry Makers kerfuffle out of Seattle to jug band out the holidays with a wry ol’ creepy uncle wink. Beware, these guys only know one tune.

Their album Christmas Makes Me Horny from a couple years ago warm up with the innuendo of “Santa’s Little Helper,” a tribute to little blue pills(??) with some horny horns and cheerleader cheers.

“Frisky the Snowman” is also naughty-lite blue grassing this time concerning the romantic sojourn of a certain iceman. Frankenstein’s monster had the same trouble.

The ‘Uncle and Aunt approved’ version of the title song is “Christmas Makes Me Frisky.” Stop here if you redden easily.

The same song done earthy is “Christmas Makes Me Horny.” Basically the same thing. No BLUE ALERT necessary, but i got nervous and pressed the button prematurely.


Shaking Presents (BLUE ALERT)

What’s a guy going to do with a penis around Christmas? Well, if he can’t give it away, he might just gift himself.

On the one hand, Ross Everett claims “No One Jerks off on Christmas.” A lively folk carol.

On the other hand, Ivor Biggun asks Santa to “Give Us a Wank for Christmas.” It’s give and get for this Brit jazzy pop bit.

MacLean and MacLean choral chant “Merry Christmas Handjob” about as matter of fact as you can get. Give those boys a handtowel.

Little Elf Wish (BLUE ALERT)

Has a penis ever been a present?

Perhaps you’ll remember ’06 with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg and a little ditty they called “D*** in a Box.” The Holiday version.

Has a penis ever written a letter to Santa?

Just so happens i came across Buck Hujabre singing Angela Chan’s “Sad Penis Christmas.” No real Alert needed here, it’s loads of innuendo (see what i did there?)… but it’s a real show stopper. And yes, the penis wants love for Xmas.

Putting up the Tree (BLUE ALERT)

Now that we’ve brought up the penis, what shall we sing about for the holidays?

Dr. Danny Roadkill is aroused to sing about his “Christmas Boner” in a soft ukulele folk sort of way. Amateurish marvel, but not very long.

Euphemism alert: Evulva has a stumpy alt bit (supposedly Christmas-ified here) labeled “Erect My Heart.” Not foolin’ anybody, boy. Especially with that last line–gasp!

How about the near miss? Lil Mikey warbles how “She Gave Me Blue Balls for Christmas.” Bluesy (natch) rock. Awww.

Nerf Herder garage rocks “I’ve got a Boner for Christmas.” No hurry to put that away, and seems to be enjoying expressing himself.

Extra Ribbon (BLUE ALERT)

Some consideration of the primary sexual characteristics, before we smash ’em up for Christmas.

Starting with the crown jewels, then. You do know someone is gonna write a song or twenty about penises and Baby J’s birthday–don’t you?

Parodies of traditional carols muddied up with explicit content is a whole category. You’ll have to wait for that tedium… But ‘White’ gets a howlingly bad under-aged nympho cat screech with “Wide Penis” from Kwixotica. (Her channel also includes caroldies about pissing, shitting, and vomiting all over herself from partying too much.) George Takei is no better at this.

To redeem myself in your eyes, i submit Matt Mulholland’s “O Holy Night.” He conjured this song idea when he was thirteen and… well, please click on the link and be amazed. (His non-December related follow-up is worth the notice.)

Actually better than that, The Vandals bring unto us an original jolly pop folk number “Christmas Time for My Penis.” It’s melodic, sweet, and corny (not like a real penis at all).

Makin’ Eggnog (BLUE ALERT)

Some of this foreplay for the holidays is tortured and awkward. I’ll just fall asleep waitin’ up for Santa.

5 Alive (a BOY BAND) fist pump the hint while making kissy face and moaning pop music for “Sex this Christmas.” Baby, if you believe it’s not the meat it’s the melody, then puddle up for these jailbaits.

Future Rama uses the riddim method to have “Christmas Sex.” Smooth yet syncopated talk. I’m guessing….

“It’s Christmas (Let’s Have Sex)” is the old big band lounge tribute just this side of Mel Tormé, and it’s on fire for you. Go, Duke Tomatoe, go.

Buttering the Cookie Sheets (BLUE ALERT)

Now, for the ladies…

How do women express sexual interest for Xmas?

Ari Mason sashays in front of the Grand Canyon (really, girl?) asking for “Christmas Sex.” Not sure about the Sisyphus allusion, but she alt rock insists she’s a ‘freak in the sheets.’

The Stilette-Hos pop rock out that collectively “I Want Sex for Christmas.” They ain’t subtle, but they are bouncy.

Picking out the Presents (BLUE ALERT)

Last month was all about the word FUCK in Christmas songs. This month is all about the act FUCK in Christmas songs. Still nasty… but is it more so? Depends on which side of the Mississippi you were born on.

Sexual intercourse is beset with code, euphemism for the uptight authority figurings. So we may encounter some positions not detailed A to B. I’m not here to help. I’m here to listen to some music–and connect the dots on my own. My imagination is just fine, thank you, good luck to you. (You have to gutter up the hidden meanings for all the posting titles for yourself.)

I have previously entertained myself with Furiously Stiff’s “I Want Sex for Christmas.” Wanting’s not having, however. So we’re not even to first base.

Newman McIntosh jollies himself (in his boat?) with a calypso easy listening “I Want to Have Sex on Christmas.” But, girl, he’s lusting for anyone but you. Burn!

Robert Curry is R+B gentle with “Sex for Christmas.” Soulful, meaningful, romantic (make it feel like Summer)… but then milk and cookies start to sound dirty. Hey now.