Month: August 2016

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: truckmas-9

Let’s pull over for a bit.

Muzyka plays a sad lonely song in a sad lonely venue. “Truck Stop Christmas” smacks of a folk ballad, like that guy what got stuck on the IRT. Mostly it’s slow and overstuffed.

Much more appropriately, An East Nashville Christmas album presents a panoply of earnest country songs. In the spirit of charity for the homeless, artists tend not to get credit. So hold your applause for “A Truck Stop Christmas.” It’s more sad Dad can’t be home, but the slide guitar makes it come alive in grief.

If you want to see a picture painted of the colorful working class stuck in a greasy spoon for that special day, please tune in to Marc Allen Bennett’s “One More Truck Stop Christmas.” It’s caffeinated, greasy, with a side of boot scootin’ ‘tude.

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Dang, that felt good! Celebrating the men (and women) who deliver–especially around the holidays! Let’s do some more! Roll on!

Lowell Shyette makes “Christmas Truckin’ Time” sound like a down home curse word. His modern country singing features a real thick drawl, and his guitar pickin’ feels like fast traffic. Some fun orchestration here.

Two steppin’ time with David Sexton, feeling all giddy ’cause he’s Haulin’ Mistletoe.” This barn burner should get your bootheels scootin’. Pucker up, sweetie.

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Just as mirthfully, comes Red Simpson (again) “Truckin’ Trees for Christmas.” It’s a simple, but magical melody,,, fun for the whole family.

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Well, truckers do have a sense of being on-road Santas. Only they’re better at it.

Yankee Lee Arnold has fun with the CB lingo craze when yet another trucker helps another broke down Santa in “A Trucker’s Christmas.” Despite the sense of childlike wonder and girl chorusong it smells of exploitation. Doesn’t flick my Bic.

William Weaver, professional driver amateur songman, strums earnestly through his story of “How the Truck Drivers Saved the Christmas Holiday.” Bear up through his first minute of flailing around and you might enjoy this unplugged cowboy poet pluggin’ away.

I guess it’s that sense of superiority that gives us all these songs. Truckers have to be cooler, cannier, tenaciouser than that one-night-a-year deliverer. He could use their help. Trucker Steve whitelines more roadster rock with “The Day Truckers Saved Christmas” complete with over-enthusiastic ho-ing by a band member. Caution: Santa sustains grievous harm during the telling of this tale.

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Besides Santa, what is this magical relationship truckers have with Xmas? If it’s family, it’s a tragic misplacement of values!

David Currey tries to modulate his country tune into a proper carol “A Trucker’s Christmas” with all sorts of piano noodling and singing range. But him missing kids pales next to when he vows to ‘pop the clutch and gear that sucker down.’

More country/folk with a percussive blast of Allman brothers, Maxx Mann swears sorrow for his “Trucker’s Christmas.” But his blues are balls out upbeat.

Pretty as a pop tune, country singer Johnny Dan’s sort-of country song “A Truck Driver’s Christmas” is a slow dance pout about not being home. One two three, one two three.

Of course Red Simpson jerks tears the best with his “Blue Blue Christmas (For This Truck Drivin’ Man).” Are truckers so irresponsible that they can’t keep a calendar on the dashboard? Quit whining and put the pedal to the metal!

Granpa Robert Spurgeon delivers the standard ‘Jingle Bells’ spoofery with his armchair “Trucker Christmas Song.” Trouble with the law? That ain’t yule!

Summoning his honky tonk powers, Dan Brayall altos “Big Rig Christmas Tree.” Finally he’s celebrating being on the road again. Why so sad for the baby J, you other musicians? This truckers’ creation is gonna ‘save the day’!

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Now a good truckin’ song, a fair country song, and maybe one or two Christmas songs ought to have a long narrated story about crushed dreams melted away by a miracle of human spirit (cf. ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ if it were a folk ballad).

So, you’d better sit down within the range of a box of tissues…

Dean Wilt gives it the old country try with “Santa and the Trucker.” After an NDE, a trucker experiences the love of Christmas with Santa’s magic. Bippety boppety boo. But–he owes the big man a favor…. (A better, albeit with more singing, version of the boy/daddy dilemma is by Red Simpson.)

In fact, let’s let Red Simspon preach his “The Old Christmas Truck” about a hobo trying to truck toys to the mountainous orphanage… does he die? Is he Jesus? Or–?

The king of kings of winter weepies has to be Red Sovine singing about that crippled kid trucker orphan “Teddy Bear” from 1970. This was a hit in its own way, revisited by Diana Williams six years later with “Teddy Bear’s Last Ride” revealing Mama’s side of the story after… after… gulp  –What! the Kleenex is all gone? Cruel, cruel Christmas carol!

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Wait–what kind of truck might Santa pilot?

Keith Harling rocks his country song 1990s style to explain “Santa’s Got a Semi.” Beep beep bye-bye. And if you’re not sure what kind of Saint we got here, his trucks got ‘a star on the hood.’ Just so’s you know.

Lady country counterpart Lisa Layne adds some bouncy boogie boogie piano for her “Santa Drives an Eighteen Wheeler.” She hollers like it’s the night before–!

Richie McDonald tries an updated rockin’ country tune, a hootin’ hollerin’ hoedown of a tale: “Peterbilt Sleigh“–but Santa’s riding shotgun here.

Where’s a twangy fan of real cowboy country s’posed to turn? Lowell Shyette founded proto punk band Little Boy Blues back in the ’60s, then became a Vietnam vet and exhorted America with tunes like ‘Ronald Reagan Mr. President’ and ‘God Bless John Wayne.’ So who better than to deliver authentic country in the form of “Santa Drives a Peterbilt”? Some of you will shake your head. [Spoiler: Santa’s CB handle is Merry Christmas Ho Ho Ho!]

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Comfortable with the culture of the truck, are we? Then let’s meet Trucker Santa.

Half country half comedy, nasal folk reciter Grandpa Griffith drives home his point that truckers and Santa have it hard with “Santa was a Trucker.” Bummer denouement (with baby cries), Fairly good road song.

Rob Ervin & The High Strung Lifters country rock “Santa Drives a Truck.” This is a crowd pleasing piece of sing-a-long.

Uh oh, punk crosses into country with Swank out of Vancouver, B.C. “Trucker Santa” has to be heard to be believed, if not deciphered.

Beating out the country tunes by a back roads mile, Erich McMann’s drivin’ rockabilly “Santa Was a Trucker” is simple, hypnotic, and frankly groovy.

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While we’re visiting the late ’70s let’s cash in on the Citizens’ Band radio chatter. Santa moves his toys like Freightliner, surely he must need to hail a fellow highwayman.

Robert and Patrick Conti rattle on roackabilly style with their “CB Christmas.” Lesson: trust a trucker.

Richard Gillis rolls on quaint country rock with his “CB Santa Claus.” Lesson here: trust all truckers; it takes a convoy.

Big Jim and the Goodbuddies lay it on heehaw thick with their “CB Santa.” Lesson [i guess]: country folks are funny–laugh away.

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: trucksmas-1

18-wheelers are to cars what space shuttles are to piper cubs. But let’s allow them right of way here because there’s a semi-full of cool Christmas songs about truckin’.

I’ll start out with the heat. ‘Convoy’ was a song from the ’70s and got many a cover and reinterpretation, including today’s “Christmas Convoy.” Paul Brandt goes Morning Zoo with sfx and overly dramatic line readings for his. I prefer Mike Austin’s tribute to CW McCall’s gigantic country crossover hit (how many songs get movies made about them?). 12-25, good buddy.

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: model-7

Well, a truck is a power-hungry, overdeveloped, oft redneck form of car, so let’s take a hillbilly minute to consider the pickup (before we get to proper truckin’).

Average Joe’s Muddy Christmas is a my-tee-fine pop country album for the holidays. So we’ll get in that truck with our hunney and have a “Muddy Christmas” care of Lenny Cooper. Nasty boy.

First of all, we need to establish why Santa should trade in his magic sleigh for some 4 x 4. Alan Jackson explains (to some suspiciously familiar rodents) why “Santa’s Gonna Come in a Pickup Truck.” Well, then how’s he gonna deliver my Humvee? (Okay Red Simpson did the pickin’ and grinnin’ better back in 1973. Love the outro.)

Foster Martin Brand, on the other hand, insists that “Santa Don’t Drive No Pick-Up Truck” made by Ford or Chevrolet. I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but the House of UnAmerican Activities Committee needs to look into this.

Fortunately The Lacs saw “Santa in a 4-Wheel Drive.” That should straighten everything out. But, as they are good ol’ bubba country posters’, they might have been mistaken/drunk.

Paul Michael Gross is a television developer and actor (Due South), but he also shares with us his love of country cliches in “Santa Drives a Pickup.” (In this case a ’67 Ford.)