Dance off! Beedays are excellent excuses to party hearty. How could you not–for Jesus.
“Christmas Party!” is just what i’m talkin’ ’bout. Orange Kids’ Music rock the Christian message with repetitive empty words (make the loudest noise you’ve ever made). But the X-kids have a raucous anthem, at least.
2014’s Evil Wiener’s Christmas Album drops a number to trip the light fantastico with “All Around the World (Happy Birthday Jesus)” in which a certain godhead gets a special shout out from Santa Claus flying by. ‘Billy pop.
You have a right to representation against Santa, or anyone else.
Lawrence Savell fronts The Law Tunes to wonderfully amusing effect over several holiday albums. Here’s a commercial sampling from Season’s Briefings. Pick it up for your legal eagle holiday needs for next year.
It’s beyond HR when Santa bumps the wrong way at the Christmas party. “Vixen’s Talking to a Lawyer” is rockabilly-lite with country charm from J.P. Davis.
Christmas Day may be a time of peace, but not peace officers so much.
While “The Court’s Closed on Christmas” has more to do with The Eradicator’s need to play squash, i like how the obscenity makes it blur into a more urgent urban need for justice. At Xmas.
Sky Saxon does not want to spend “Christmas in the Courtroom.” Bluesy mushmouthed ‘billy brings conscience to the fore, just like it should.
Still not to the 20th C with the advent of the gramophone and the oppo to hear full orchestration in the parlour at home whenever you feel like it.
The 1920s made the recorded platters more available with all that easy money of the Jazz Age. 1922 drops Edward Hare with “Santa Claus Hides in the Phonograph” a speech to amaze the wee ones. More of a song (mad rhymes anyway) from Harry E. Humphrey with “Santa Claus in Your Phonograph.” Both of these overlong demos end with actual music (Hare’s with ‘JBells’; Humphrey’s with a lively musicbox tinklefest–and mad laughter).
The Mangles deliver a “Turntable Under the Tree” with a punk ‘billy rock collection for all your audiophile needs. I’m goin’ ’round and ’round, too, catchin’ up with their twistin’ list of playables.
I knew of some odd Xmas songs concerning automobiles and one thing lead to another. For all the roadster rock, however, there were as many trucker numbers about helping out delivering presents. And also some inbetween the category bits. What else is on the back lot?
How could i forget Lindsey Buckingham’s overtired “Holiday Road” from that one movie that time? That’s right, it’s NOT about Christmas! Not even when The Stone Lonesomes put in on a Christmas album with all the ‘billy you could ever want.
2 Live Jews parody ‘Frosty’ with “All Used Car Salesmen.” Funny, but no mention of holidays.
“Toboggan Boys” from Steven Courtney is not tired, but has a Beach Boys tribute that won’t quit. They’re movin’!
“Christmas in My Car” reroutes the topic to the suffering of the homeless via Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. No Kisses for New Years). Conscientious rock.
From the blues side, Matt Roach starts with Christmas in my car for “Christmas Blues ’95.” He gets around, but he’s not happy.
Bryan Kennedy is more down home with the plonkity-plonk in “Santa Drove a Dually.” The fiddle sells it. Cody Romshok goes electric with this.
Molly Starlite & The Sputniks saunters through “Hot Rod Christmas” without the need for speed. Slo-mo ‘billy.
Roadster rock should sound like Slant 6 and the Jumpstarts. Or is “HotRod Christmas” just a bit too familiar?
JD McPherson parallels without pause in “Santa’s got a Mean Machine.” Jolly jazzy big band ‘billy. Go go go. Gone.
Naughty words weren’t enough for my dark days. Soon enough I started scratching an ultra-violence itch for holiday songs. Killing and dying’s not so bad for Xmas; i figgered, Jesus did it for all our salvation. So let the jolly times rest in peace.
Taking Tim Allen too seriously, Danny Gonzalez plans “I’m Gonna Kill Santa Claus” so he can become Santa Claus. It’s all contracted out. Witty white boy rap.
Angry Johnny and the Killbillies have that old fat bastard in their sites with “Santa Gets His.” Rated: Holy God That’s Violent.
The Gatorhogs get drolly pop offkey with “Empty Chimney,” an eulogy for the missing present-guy. Habeas corpse?
Be patient with Watch Out for Rockets’s “Santa Quit Yer Foolin’ Around.” This pop-billy story leads you though Claus-icide of another gender. Foolish, but noirish.
Red State Update parody up Led Zepplin’s metal with “In Santa’s Time of Dying.” In memoriam kringle. (Settle in–this goes the distance.)
But, seriously, Santa–have you got a minute to talk about the dead? Diana Williams chats through the 1977 in memoriam “Goodbye Bing, Elvis, and Guy.” They dead, Santa. They novelty Christmas music dead.
Not quite about any particular historical event, the industrial pop “Assassination on Xmas Eve” by Archers of Loaf gets covered here and there. I like it by Into It. Over It. After the intro it’s breezy folk pop.
Jesse Maximum (Jmaq) knows a guy who knows a guy who can hook you up with “Murder Pie (For Christmas).” Unaccompanied jazz skat. He also has a robopocalypse number with “Iron Bells.” Murdered by the machine.
It happens. Even on THAT day. Nitro prog rocks “Johnny Died on Christmas” with just the right amount of hair. Angelic choir. Metal solo.
Melancholic unto dire ends are Atomic Neon (w/6.6.6. and Angel of Night) with “We Die at Christmas.” Get it over with already, all that goth garage drawn out folk messiness.
The Big Message of Mortality comes from The Axis of Awesome. “Snata Claus” is a dirty old menace who might ‘choke your parents dead.’ Fear the homeless for Xmas!
Big finish with more Angry Johnny and The Killbillies with their coolcoolcool ghoul-billy take on redneck justice for the jilted with album and lead song “Bang Bang Baby Bang Bang Merry Christmas,” the story of inflagrante destructo; also “Big Ol’ Hole for Christmas,” a tale of where you’ll wind up out in the woods ‘cuz of your cheatin’ ways; and “Six Bullets for Christmas,” a hint about your gift–ya hussy! Man, there’s more from these backwoods maestros, but that last one is so jolly, i can’t go on.
Other significant contributors to the sexualization of Christmas carols include the gonzo pyschobillyist Mojo Nixon. Neil Kirby McMillan Jr may be retired now, but he has left a legacy of ’80s frat boy scream-alongs that echo today with the the truth of sexual imperative.
With The Toadliquors 1992 Mojo gave unto us Horny Holidays! an album of blue material including “It’s Christmas Time” where the blues bust loose in a cry for lovin’ that is found under the belt area.
The cover of Jimmy Butler’s “Trim Your Tree” maintains the strain on the buttoned-up pants.
Horny Claus is a prime actor in “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” This rambles, shambles, and doublebacks. Man, that’s the nastiest!
