BLUE ALERT Corey Taylor of the extremely discourteous Slipknot poses an if-then antecedent-consequent in his surprisingly singable “XM@$.” Many forms of intoxication are equated with many forms of this holiday. CT needs relief from them all.
Also sprightly suggesting an alternative to Mass, Zax Vandal posits “Drunk on Christmas Cheer” to those who wish to know. Rockin’.
Red Alert slurs and gargles their “Having a Drunken Christmas” like they’re in the midst of muddleheadedness. But it’s a party plan for meeting the holidays head down. For those who like their punk over orchestrated.
If you want just rum in your holiday liquor cabinet you usually rely on rhymes with drum (pum pum pum pum). But some rummies wanna go straight up with Caribbean Tom Thumb. Yo ho ho.
Ho hum rum songs include Bah & the Humbugs playing slacker elves deifying the demon rum. The humor of that obvious inappropriateness is lost in this loungey sing-a-long. “All You Need is Rum” is a fun song to spring on the unaware, but not to rotate into your novelty selections.
Joseph Michael Young meditates sadly on his only friend “Holiday Rum.” It’s a plaintive prosody.
Jimmy Buffett tries to Gulf it up with gusto in “Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum.” But this shaggy dog about Santa needing a (drinking) break reflects on middle-aged sadness in a 2nd-stage of wistful drukenness and self worth crisis.
A punk twist on the title comes from The Cucumbers. “Ho Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum” here is a great earthy, naughty chant begrudging nuthin off the pirate allusion. Damn Santa.
Special foods for special times of the year from special corners of the world make for specialities that no one else would ever eat.
The Pala Brothers, however, are super confident of their polka-based cuisine bragging that “Sausage & Sauerkraut for Santa” made him jolly and fat.
The Polkaholics, however, make grotesque this stuffing of the face with stuffed meats with their own punk polka version of this same song. Lala lala lala, but ironically.
A peppermint stick with a handle is your Christmas constant: the candy cane.
It’s been a symbol of the holiday for centuries, so The Kiboomers have a counting game for you little ones. “Five Candy Canes” has less over emoted condescension and more happy for candy singing than most children’s tunes. I give it five candy canes.
Laurie Berken has a sugar/drug-induced vision in “Candy Cane Jane.” Not strictly Christmastide, but wintery nonetheless. Suh-weet.
Plank Road Publishing, natch, has songs for kids to sing at the third-grade assembly about non-secular Advent-ures. “Peppermint Candy Cane” takes the low road to kids’ music with its repetitive, moronic, mish mash of melodic metaphors.
Some mock the easy target of easily identifiable holiday props. Jackisanerd glibly improvs fractions of xmas songs each year into 3-minute ADHD compilations. Last year he extended his “Candy Cane” song into a full version. Yule B Sorry.
Let’s pick up the honorable mantle of popular music now. Little Feat’s Lowell George has an Invasion-flavored song from 1993 that might move you: “Candy Cane Madness” plays with the sweetie like a twirly toy and spins you across the candy counter.
Darius Rucker warms up soft country like peppermint cocoa with “Candy Cane Christmas,” alliteration after my own aorta. It smells of big band, but tastes of easy listening.
Billy’s Pop presents Amo tainting party music with garage in his “Candy Cane.” Short and swell.
Ending with grunge, The White Stripes play “Candy Cane Children” like somebody’s listening. It’s a cautionary tale for angry tots.
It’s not in the Constitution, but USA is a democratic republic based on the fundamentals of capitalism.
Christmas has also been a bastion of that.
Sadly most reactions have been so caught up in reactionarianism, they fail to win by wit.
Sean Michael Wilson teeters through “Christmas Song for Capitalism” con brio but you’ll be done before he will. BLUE ALERT!
The Twin Cities Industrial Workers of the World shyly and slyly do their part at an insiders’ party, singing “Anti-Capitalist Carols” to the choir. It’s pretty violent, even for Marxist humor.
Toxic Socket’s short finger-wagging screed “Merry Christmas Capitalism” is a fun slide show, still more angry than provocative.
The Kicks point out the “Santa Claus is Coming to the USA” every year. Contractually he’s bound to. But, c’mon–you know he’d rather bring merch here than any where else. We’re all about that (even got some church bells tolling on us).
It’s our day of thrash. Rock has grown up but never quit rebelling.
Garage rock has an axe to grind, Santa’s Little Rockerz recall mojo nixon with their rockabilly meets monotonous noise release “Rockin’ with Rudolph.” That boogie woogie piano is monster, but their spirit is pretty pissed off.
More garage, The Fleshtones chant “Super Rock Santa.” Harder to dance to, impossible not to pogo to.
Light metal might be a descriptor for Firing Blanks with their “Rockin’ at Christmas.” This has the hallmarks of rage, but won’t break the lease. Pretty, pretty, pretty.
Also lightened up, Iron Maiden metal up a previous mention (Gary Glitter’s) “Another Rock and Roll Christmas.” Yeah, i guess we didn’t need to go there.
Smudging up the Elton John singsong “Step into Christmas” The Business make punk work out of nonsense. Hats off, chaps.
The Degraders fill my list with “Christmas Twist” (to which i could not in fact dance the twist). All the major garage and metal vitamins are here, kids.
CDM Chartbreakers mock and honor punk with “Rockin’ Little Christmas” an eandearinglittle ditty you just might walk across the room to.
Some cars are hotter than others. Joyriders tend not to help themselves to Kias. So, while leaving the wild world of the hot rod, let us consider some specific hot cars that Santa might straddle.
Muscle cars could do well. So here comes the cross gender tribute band from ‘cross the Atlantic, The Ramonas, with “Santa’s Got a GTO.” It’s more nostalgic punk than hard screechin’ punk.
Black can be the worst mood, the scariest night, the killingest plague. Some people don’t like black.
Satan and the Reindeer Butchers kill ‘White Christmas’ with their “A Black Xmas.” For all that’s holy BLUE ALERT!! (for the next six or so)
Amana Reign mixes media to freak you out with their “Black Christmas.” Those boys are so loud! But their lyrics don’t go far enough to make a counter culture point.
Well, then, let’s try some metal: Venom plays “Black Xmas” for the Devil. So that’s not the same Xmas you and i know.
A bit more angry and musically inclined Prison of Blues growls out “Black X-Mas” like they have an important lessen you can pogo to,
Run Moon parleys wicca into goth with her “Black Christmas:” Prison of Blues growls out “Black X-Mas” a piss and moan list of what disappoints her about the holiday. Her rat-a-tat chant gives her song more rah rah than rant rant. Hard to take her cutie-pie anger seriously.
Attempting mood through reverb, Hellfunk ups the melodic quotient with “I’m Dreaming of a Black Xmas.” Black here is absolute night, the absence of any grace or goodness. Get that first guy a lozenge!
Oozing with 1970s BBC snark, High Contrast speechify their “Black Christmas” so you get a sense of working class rap, but Liverpudlian, not Compton. Hitler is mentioned. Subtlety is not considered appropriate.
Bill Collins and MDC play British punk for another “Black Christmas” in which black= no hope, no cheer. Yell if you hate your parents too.
But we can criticize the very tenants of Xianity and still be jolly, can’t we? Try post feminist punker Poly Styrene and her London low down: “Black Christmas.” She’s a damfine musician and her satire is danceable. The attention-deficit video makes Santa into a nightmare.
