Why try pot when the weather outside is frightful? Well, according to Garfunkle and Oates, it helps with your social interactions. But, as with many after-school specials, problems have a snowball effect and your skull-fucking leads to a “Scary F**ked Up Christmas,” not the least of your problems being Doug Benson as a paranoid Papa Noel hiding in the bed. Hyperactive folk.
Sorry, but there’s a fine Mary in the nativity song that’s nasty as BLUE ALERT. For those of you (like me) who have heard, but never really got “The Most Offensive Song Ever” from Parker and Stone’s South Park songs, here are the lyrics and everything. No going back.
Lynn Anderson retros the CW with “Mr. Mistletoe” turning a harmless tradition into a suburb or lust and lies.
Lucy Hale (from TV) pops country with her “Mistletoe.” It makes me think all possible lyrics combinations for the subject are already used up.
Then I stumbled over potty-mouthed Kyle Dunnigan. His “Fuck You Mistletoe” has given me the strength to go on, or at least listen to more country scrying subtext.
The Murder City Devils did not evolve much beyond Seattle with their garage noise, thank goodness.
This exercise in rhythmic mayhem promises no more than it’s title: “Dead by Christmas.” Just Lay Down the Track! (And yes BLUE ALERT–at least a little.)
Street cred means you’ve survived tough times: threats, beatings, shootings. Hip hop tries to keep the power of poverty alive by trivializing the violence with happy rhymes and careless profanity. And dressing like shit.
So, oops, oh yeah BLUE ALERT:
Insane Clown Posse and Twiztd (a duo sprung from the demise of House of Krazees) band together to explain rough and tumble East Side West Side shenanigans during the holidays with “Murder City Christmas.” Blood and stockings will be spilled.
Saved the best shit for last. Red Peters is often as funny as an Asperger’s ridden 1960s burlesque emcee. But his psychological passive-aggressive pastiche of Walter Brennan (you don’t have to suffer through the original tear-jerking tune) dealing with ungrateful grown kids at Christmas is a hoot and a holler and a half.
Please enjoy “You Ain’t Gettin’ Shit for Christmas.” It’s funny. I shit you not.
Here’s the CLASSIC! s-word song (as made famous on the terrific John Waters Christmas compilation) (NOT the bleeped version on radio shows nationwide)!
Rudolph & Gang “Here Comes Fatty Claus.”
Don’t forget now, we’re locking elbows with the lowest common denominators of society: the profane. Life is terrible. What’re ya gonna do? Curse!
So watch down your nose Wish Crosby and Flo Murphy getting their Chrsitmas from the Family on with “Shitty Shaggin’ Christmas.” They’re a regular Archie and Edith bunker three rungs down the trailer park.
Well, this is a sweet one. Because the hectic holidays are a time of love and the pressure’s really on to make the day count, 12/25 can result in a frustrating and expletive-laden fiasco of just-missed mistletoe moments. Shit!
Kailen Beitel and Chris K Payne act and sing Rob van de Meer and Yfke Berckelaer’s ode to modern romance: “Shitty Christmas.” Can i get an awww!
Easter may not be an appropriate reference for the high holiday of Xmas. Or is it…. Tell ya what, we’ll deal with death and resurrection next month. Let’s get back to swearing.
Tinkling the piano keys all artisan fancy Lisa Scudiero dives deep into androgynous anger over present-giving posers pouting while she does all the GD work.
Her “Merry Shitty Christmas” is a gentle tune of ulcer-giving complaints. An octave higher and i’d call her a whiny bitch. But she plays it just right as a Unionizing call to arms.