Christmas List: items twenty-four (what else)

Could we have overlooked anything?

Holey Moly yes.

Family – “That’s What I Want for Christmas” by li’l orphan Shirley Temple. It’s from some heart-tugger.

A job – “All I Want for Christmas is a Job” by le Ukulélé Club de Bordeaux (worst audition video ever–WARNING: CONTAINS MARIAH CAREY PARODY) and by Below the Surface (parole plea?).

A black president – MC Overlord. Ahh, nostalgic rappin’ times.

A rock ‘n’ roll guitar – The Stompers overlaying punk onto rock. More originally by Johnny Preston.

A gun – The Vandals with more punkish punk. Ian Yo Yo Yo (Jib Jab Brothers) go urban for the Red Ryder Rifle. (Still preferable to the ‘Christmas Story’ musical version.) Best of the range is Roy Zimmerman’s  “Buy War Toys for Christmas.” Made Demento famous by The Twang.

A bag of weed – Common Enemy (BLUE ALERT). Hard garage rock.

Cancer – Johnny Hobo and the Freight Trains. Ah, the young and their guitar banging regrets.

A tan – Kenny Chesney mashes up Hawaiian slide with country drawl. (It’s an all over he’s after, with you dawlin.)

A space ship – Bah & The Humbugs recognize that some intergalactic captains keep getting their rides blasted out from under them.

A Doodle-Li-Boop – Art Carney with authentic drunk-sounding jazz novelty from the ’50s.

A Ting Ting – Billy Ruffian attempts to update this old folk chestnut. (Yeah, more punk influence.)

Swiss Colony Beef Log – South Park boys deliver it again with “Swiss Colony Beef Log;” it’s what a fat kid wants for Christmas.

A new hat – Thots takes it easy on Santa and for that we thank you.

Christmas List: item twenty-three ($$$)

Time to simplify: cash me up and i’ll shop for my own damn self.

Fred Figglehorn tries to squeeze pop music out of his helium hokum-ry. “Christmas Cash” is just as annoying as it wants to be.

College Humor tries for yucks with (WARNING: CONTAINS MARIAH CAREY PARODY) “All I Want for Christmas is Cash.” Some nice sentiments expressed (“Fuck Season 2 of ‘Smash’!“)

Pearl Bailey says it right (said it before on this blog, but it bears repeating: “A Five Pound Box of Money” is all Santa needs to bring.

Riddim gets reggae on top of ‘Deck the Halls’ with “Money for Christmas.” It’s not greedy so much as groovy.

Bah & The Humbugs draw the line for their “Christmas List.” Even the 1% want a little green Christmas.

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Christmas List: item twenty-two (nobody)

Well, eff you. I don’t after all want you. You’re not all i need. It’s Christmas and my present is to not have you messing up my life any more, thank you very much.

Let’s get the overemotional overreaction out of the way–Midnight Riders off that “All I Want for Christmas (Is to Kick Your Ass).” Mostly they’re displacing their anger at losing their baby to kick the guy’s ass–guy might as well be Santa here. Hey. we’ll talk this metal grunge out.

Diesel Phoenix responds with “All I Got for Christmas was a Restraining Order.” It’s goth and Remo, tough but tender. You shouldn’t have–

Experimental rock (nee psychedelia) comes from Hijackalope with their definitive “All I Want for Christmas is a Restraining Order.” Now, i know you like to clap along whenever the lyrics mention the song title. No such luck here….

vh1

Christmas List: item twenty-one (a boy)

Girls make lists too as we’ve seen.

NIIC The singing Dog treats us to Kyle McCarthy’s “All I Want for Christmas is a Boy.” Wait, is that a girl singing? Pumpin’ pop bubblegum.

While we’ve opened that door give a norm welcome to Alaska Thunderfuck, Courtney Act, and Willam Belli trans-ing it up with “Dear Santa Bring Me a Man.” Diva devotees salute the power of the show stopping monster song.

Kira Isabella is definitely a girl who wants “A Country Boy for Christmas.” She’s got pretty long list of what he should look like, sound like, and what he should drive. Good thing she can sing.

The Dell Vetts may be boy crazy, because “I Want a Boy for Christmas” gets the full-on girl doo wop treatment. Serious love for music at least.

Christmas List: item twenty (sex act) (BLUE ALERT)

Down and dirty, dudes.

“I Want a Blowjob for Christmas” is off key and drunk. Devastating Just Cause wants your affirmation regardless. And anal, too.

!990s garage punk informs “I Want Sex for Christmas.” Furiously Stiff never quite released this sentiment on the world.

Well, let’s turnabout for fair play. “Anal for Christmas” by Killy the Kid allows her to give to him (It was on his wishlist!). Jazzy garage you can dance (limp?) to.

Christmas List: item nineteen (sex object) (BLUE ALERT)

O Lonelyhearts, all you need is a touch of affection… or cheap anonymous sex. Women’s favors as gifts! The idea!!

Mr. Wompy car karaokes “I Want a Blow-Up Doll for Christmas.” He appears to be mocking the melody, but it’s all in fun ‘cuz that’s his sense o’ humor!

Robert Lund mashes up kid song with adult themes (tradition!) with Chelsi Stahr singing “I Want Some Plastic Surgery for Christmas” lip synced here by some tramp wanna be. Classy wig!

Virginia Kegel adds to the dignity deficit with her “I Want a Boob Job for Christmas.” It’s a show stopping top dropping number.

How much lower can we go? Trailer trash low! Scuzz Twittly has a cottage industry in down home humor. His pretend holiday album ad features “I Want a Hooker for Christmas.” You almost believe him.

Just pop country comes August Campbell with “I Want a Hooker for Christmas” full of tips and ideas for those hard-to-buy-fors.

Christmas List: item eighteen (a girl)

Well, if it’s not you, not love… how ’bout–anybody? Any two legs off the street? Desperate times are often represented on Santa’s list.

Awkward poser Jack Douglass tells you all about it in “All I Want for Christmas is a Girlfriend.” Do you copy? He’s not picky.

The Refreshments are also unparticular when they claim “I Want a New Baby for Christmas.” Guess as long as it’s not the old baby…. Rollickin’ jerry lee piano, but not exactly rock.

Slightly more picky is Bigg Robb who claims “I Want a Big Woman for Christmas.” This is a bit dull-witted, and largely spoken word (not on my blog)… but Robb tries so hard. I mean, he doesn’t even swear. Ups, my man.

Higher standards are espoused by Jonas Brothers who individually rock out “All I Want for Christmas is the Girl of My Dreams.” They’re going to get her, too. If they weren’t so adorable, i’d call the cops.

The New Edition is very specific when they chant like ballad-bots “All I Want for Christmas is My Girl.” It’s cult-astir! (I suspect you shouldn’t give her to them, not with that weird theremin electronic bit.) Is “candy girl” code for something really wrong?

The Knickerbockers surf us back to the ’60s with “I Want a Girl for Christmas.” It sounds so harmless with harmony like that. Not like human trafficking at all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CwL__xxYdo4

Christmas List: item sixteen (you you you)

Baby baby bae, you know i don’t want no presents, no toys, no cash, no distractions, no trash…

It’s YOU only that i want.

Now, don’t run… this is a Mariah-free zone. We don’t play the overplayed.

But, back from the ‘Fifties and more was “You’re All I Want for Christmas” a monster hit recorded by Bing, Al Martino, Frankie Avalon, Sarah Geronimo, and Filipinos Rico J. Puno and Nora Aunor.

The Larks got an old timey rock ‘n’roll croon-y feel with “All I Want for Christmas.” Boy band doo coppers! Poetical!

Pretty a cappella from The Bobs warmly round the hearth espouses the need so gently, gently. “All I Want for Christmas” is sappy done right. (It’a about the friendship, babe.)

Down home country wants to sentimentalize as well. “All I Want for Christmas Dear is You” is a bit of a mouthful, but when pronounced faithfully gets you back in the house into her loving arms. Buck Owens knew it. So did Travis Tritt, Louis Mandrell,  Clint Erb, Heart LeBlanc, The Playtones (mmm, honky tonky), Swiss Highwaymen, and Cajun Paul Dwayne. (Who are these guys?)

Updating the music, Casey Shea beatboxes the R+B sound with “You’re All I Want for Christmas.” Bubblegum, kids!

Even more modern, the dB’s garage the beat with that old fashioned too-many rock stars folk-harmonizing kind of sound we remember from the ’90s. “You’re What I Want for Christmas” wants you to want to like them.

Give the girls a turn! Judi Silvano goes whiskey club jazz with those loooo-ooong held notes singing “I’d Like You for Christmas.” She maintains her notes so long, Chanukah gets in there, too. Raise the highballs for that xylophone solo! Julie London sexied it up way back when. But, gee, she sounds like a Playboy cartoon.

Boogie woogie style from Foghat (!) sets a whole ‘nother mood for “All I Want for christmas is You.” Highsteppin’ and finger waggin’ would not be out of the realm of possibility here.

Cowboybilly rock is all i can think to call the Fleshtones’ “You’re All I Want for Christmas.” I hear Elvis, Gene Autry, with a hint of Thunderbirds. How you gonna resist?

Caro Emerald and Brook Benton over-orchestrate their latin lovin’ with “You’re All I Want for Christmas.” It’s cute and consensual.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ngNk6gKezWE

Christmas List: item fifteen (my baby)

Blues informs Jimmy Liggins and His Drops of Joy’s list: you want that woman, you know you do. So low, when you don’t even want the turkey for Christmas, Jimmy. He just wants her loving’. “I Want My Baby for Christmas.” Might wanna top off that Scotch, first.

‘Smatter, that too harmonious for you? You want down and dirty blues? Back behind the Dumpster blues? Smokey Hogg knows how you feel. “I Want My Baby for Christmas” is not want he needs–it’s what he wants. Listen to that piano, you’ll feel it too.

The Dramatics switch it up to R+B. But “All I Want for Christmas is My Baby” smacks of begging. Sounding like your thirteen may not get you where you want, fellas.

Seductive like a velvet=wrapped parcel, studio jazz cool-man John Jay Martyn croak-croons “I Just Want My Baby for Christmas.” This is how you get that baby, kids.