Category: rock

Santa Jobs: clones

You knew!

Santa’s secondary job, like Dr. Who’s, is to fold space-time so he can be everywhere at the same moment. He seems to be multiple copies of himself–but that’s our limited perception forcing our paradigm on his magic.

I’m glad you knew.

The Peter Pan Carolers explain their shock that there are “Ten Thousand Santa Clauses,” but never fear–they’ll blink them away.

When Gayla Peevey wasn’t shilling for hippopotami, she was counting “77 Santa Clauses.” Kids think they’re so smart.

The more adult perspective comes from Bob Rivers who, natch, turns ‘Here Comes’ to “There’s Another Santa Claus.” Yes, very clever. But you seem to be racist, Bob.

The appropriate response to “Too Many Santas” is awe and stupefaction. Although The Bobs collapse into cynicism, they do it with love. Rock steady.g00384

Santa Jobs: impersonator

Is Santa his real name? Is it Kris? Or Billy?

We may not ever know who this guy is.

Here are some guesses who he could actually be in his spare time.

Of course Bob Rivers has an opinion. He claims, in his best der Bingle, that “There’s a Santa Who Looks a Lot Like Elvis” down at the K-Mart store. Wait, who’s standing in for whom?

Ralph Garman similarly wonders who the real Marshall Bruce Mathers III is in his Kevin and Bean radio parody “The Real Slim Santa.” It’s a shady present no matter how you rap it.

Lee Stranger gets rock and revival with his electric “I Wanted Christ and You Gave Me Santa Claus.” Are you sure they’re two different people? I’ve never seen them together….

Santa Jobs: babysitter

Now that you know better, it’s time to let Santa watch over your bundle of joy.

According to wild man Barry Richards the baby will have the better of Reindeer Man. Clue in to “Baby Sittin’ Santa” and rock your diaper!

Santa Jobs: killer

Futurama featured a rampaging Saint akin to Black Peter who would shoot first and check lists later. Never did get a full fledged song about that robo-claus, but here’s a little ditty: “Santa Claus is Gunning You Down.”

The old chestnut here is Weird Al’s “The Night Santa Went Crazy.” That was felonious, dude. But, i’ve mentioned that already last April.

Also previously featured but worth the encore are The Oh Wells and “Don’t Kill Me, Santa.” Love the brass.

For something new, let’s try Santa as an unholy seducer/sucker: “Santa Claus is a Vampire.” Dr. Noise amps up the home grown rock with boyish boisterousness. Stay in beds kids!

Santa Jobs: criminal

Breaking and entering should not a hero make. Santa’s real occupation is working outside the law. How shall we charge thee?

Currently disconnected run a mean unplugged spanish-style guitar riff over their warning “Coming Down Your Chimney.” Be careful because that interloper’s  white (i think).

Kingpin mastermind? Sky Does Minecraft has their cutie-pie parody “Santa Claus is Running this Town.” It’s a take off on the Springsteen version, but the vocals are not too shabby ‘tall.

Nice Peter has some pun with “Santa is a Gangsta.” This is the bleeped version, so lean in–it’s not bad. I presume a rapping bad-ass is the criminal type, not just tuff.

Ted Lyons (from the cool Xmas compilation Christmas Time Again) delivers unto us a desperado Deliverer of Toys in “The Only Law that Santa Claus Understood.” It’s retro rock club style with overly dramatic accents. Hah!

Toymakers Local 1224: roll call-Johnny

Danica DeCosta revives retro rock n roll (you know: Sha Na Na) with her band Doodlebug to bring us leather coated juvenile delinquent “Johnny Elf.” With all the class of Andrew Dice Clay, Johnny fools around with cookies and shoplifting and females, yet still manages to Heimlich Santa (with the kiss of life) to save the day. Tawdry T & A, without the gusto of Grindhouse or the sincerity of John Waters. A-a-a-a-ay!

Wrap the Rainbow: yellow

I’m done with Yellow Snow as an option for color, partly because that’s not truly a Christmas subject, partly because i covered this last March (12-17).

Winston Foster became popular as vocalist King Yellowman for a while in the ’80s back when we began to identify Jamaica as a marijuana way of life. Learn of his life (again to the tune of ‘White Christmas’) in his “Yellowman Yellow Christmas.” It’s almost like history. While on the subject, i have to mention another better Jamaican interp of a traditional: “The Christmas Song (Yellow Yam Roasting).” I love the effortless joy and whimsy in this non-pro from the MuseFlows posting.

For (a version of) more history, let’s listen to Bob Wills Jr.’s family keeping up homefront morale with “Yellow Ribbon Christmas.” It overexplains a bit too defensively what should be a simple message of faith, hope, and respect for our troops in the angry new millennium.

Yellowman should win the feature here, but i’m more intrigued (if not more enlightened) by the great mystry of Yu-Chia Lin’s “Yellow Christmas.” If it were only in Chinese, i would file it away as exotic novelty. But i dig the chorus “…yellow, yellow…”. And it rocks.

Christmas Every Day: May (in a way)

Most have forgotten Christmas by May in light of all those other, lesser holidays. Mothers’ Day.

But, ahh, the songs about Mommy Dearest for the holidays… that’s another libretto. And I don’t mean ‘Kissing’ or ‘Shoes’ (yeargh), i mean the love of a son of man for his Madonna. (Not actually Mary–we’ll probe those songs out later.)

Take Dave Cheatham singing about the mother he left at home while he sleeps and hopes homelessly for the one he left behind. “Happy Christmas Mother.” Folksy acoustic sentiment.

Also torn is Asha Banks. “Christmas at My Mum’s House” details the broken home problem of two Christmasses. Belting out hopeful endings doesn’t help her flashback four-year-old’s awful haircut.

Let’s go lighter in tone (and loafers). Louis Duarte dedicates his hiphop jazz in his “Another Mum Christmas Song.” His ADHD Look-at-Me! video with dress up and solo mosh pit dancing is every mother’s worry how her son might turn out.

James Higgins gets a bit more stage-show with his “Mom’s Xmas Song.” Mostly, i think he wants her to accept him just the way he is. Big ups for explaining how to celebrate in February, March, April, and June–often in his mother’s voice. It’s all for you, Mom!

Dan Crow saves the day (after my original posting) with “Christmas Day in May,” a rocking’ calendar mix-up with comical consequences for the kiddos. Surf’s (almost) up!

Manger Management: Santa on Safari

Some more et cetera mammals–this time the cool, exotic jungle kind:

Tigers need to get into that Nativity scene more often, i mean it just looks chill with that stripey killer lying beside the Baby Lord… or is that just me? Okay, see how nuts this gets with the “Christmas Japan Tiger-san Song” as posted by Ergesr Mikasoraesa. Hello, kitty.

Now i don’t think we need to get any more hippopotamussier than we have already, so check out same formula with an even more hilarious (bigger) “I Want an Elephant for Christmas” by the Peter Pan Carolers.

But if you want a Real Song on the topic, lets take a moment for Hank Thomspon and “I’d Like to Have an Elephant for Christmas.” Yee haw, merrily on down.

[And we’ve already gone into the Heart of Darkness with Les Paul and Mary Ford with “Jungle Bells (Dingo Dongo Day)”–though i’d go there again.] But let’s segue that into The Superions starting the conga line with “Christmas Conga (Jungle Bells).” Not many animals, but do the watusi!

If you want all the animals in one place, let Bah & The Humbugs lead you through “The Christmas Zoo.” It may make you do a childish little dance.

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Some wild animals have been sadly house-broken. Curious George brings us, Grey Griffin as Betsy sings to us “Our Christmas Monkey.” But her question remains: why no Christmas monkey song?

Answering the question, in fine ‘sixties pop-rock style, are The Barbary Coasters with “I Want a Monkey for Christmas.” Those kids are going to be in so much trouble! But somehow i feel like surfin’.

Manger Management: simpler (1)

Granted, bugs are fairly complex critters on the taxonomical chart. But there’s not a cornucopia of Christmas songs about blobby floaty things in the sea (not even sponge Christmas carols about Bob) (nor worms!–someone get on that!).

On the other hand, there’s a buttload of holiday hymns for cephalopods. What’s up with that?

Some of these are nonsensical hoax-cult children’s addictions like “A Squiddle Christmas 5 Opening Song.” This could-a been TV series at the turn of the Millennium claims to have lost original copies and now only odd scraps show up on youtube. Was it ever real? Who cares?

Slightly more palatable (not) is The Singing Zoologist, trying to Bill Nye The Science Guy-up the joint, with “Merry Christmas Cephalopods (A Science Song for Octopuses, Squids, Cuttlefish, and Nautiluses).” Try not to learn something while celebrating, i dares ya.

Continuing the sad caroldy tradition of clumsy substitutions for traditionals, Pirate Stu sings (when not losing his place) “Jingle Piratopus” i guess about a pirate octopus. And Christmas. Arrr.

To cure your sense of childish glee, Face Full of Fist continues their Octopus saga with “Octopus. A Punk Christmas Nightmare.” Like all great OG punk, it tells a story. Actually for a song, it’s pretty talky.

If you’re finally ready to rock your suckers out, then tune in Jason Morris’s hip “Twangles, The Christmas Squid.” It rocks around the ock, it does. Tell your friends.