Gobsmacked, shellacked, benumbed… the aftermath of the Xmas breakup is stronger than anesthesia.

“It Must Have been Love” was some kind of hit for Roxette when released just before Christmas 1987. The later lyrics of this pop sobber were later altered NOT to reference the holidays specifically.

Manic Mark includes snippets of 27 takes and part of an actual folk song, “My Wife Done Left Me & Took Everything but Christmas.” His Gary Busey routine is tiring and the song is hardly worth it. But, on point.

The Orioles spin us a 1948 croon-y toon-y about loss and hurt with “(It’s Gonna be a) Lonely Christmas.” I hear ya, brothers.

Dude York delivers the ’90s pop/rock fix with “Break Up Holiday,” with the need to leave. As pity parties go, it’s rockin’.

Sure we’ve trundled through songs about mistletoe, love, and hookups. What’s next–? Oh, yeah. The destiny of promiscuity. <sigh> Ok, dawgs and bitches, let’s talk. You love that adrenaline shot of love (dopamine), but then you develop a resistance to the effects, and need a new drug. So shove off! Lookin’ past yo’ clingy ass!

Got it?

Scotty Sire raps out the plan. “Lonely Christmas” is the response to the about-to-plan. It hasn’t happened yet, but drama needs a stage. And he’s got some moves.

Still suspicious? Pick up his phone! More how-to from Joshua Gilyard presenting Queen of the Ratchet in “Ratchet of the Bells,” a BLUE ALERT lovely (near) a cappella tutorial on how to call him out in time for the holidays. Wrestle that, girl!

New Found Glory trounces Christmas as as bad as expected. And they’re dragging you through the blaming mud. It’s leading up to something pretty harsh in “Ex-Miss.” ’90s pop cruncher.

No one probably got the Luke Cage reference for the theme title here, but the songs about chocolate, cookies, and LORDY fruitcake filled the counters to the brim. (Do counters have brims?) So many more!

Sugar AND spice? John Legend visited the Grammy-winning ‘Colbert Christmas’ special in 2008 with an ode to “Nutmeg.” R+B delicious. You’ll be happy that you ate it.

German regret runs you through killedbycandy’s alt garage “Cinnamon.” Reminds you of happier times, like before you heard this song.

Filling out the recipe, The Withers go pouty parody with “Gingerbread.” (Somehow Something Awful’s Kruxy & Paladinus of All-Rush Mixtape make this even worse with their overlong version.)

Not so sweet are Brian Kinder’s Grandma’s “Christmas Cookies.” Plain old children’s mush-ic.

Toys!? Candyband punks out “I Want a Big Fat Cookie for Christmas.” I’m not actually sure confectionaries are involved. Hmm.

Back to our regularly scheduled comedy. Conan O’Brien’s talk show on TBS exuded a holiday jingle “Minty the Candy Cane Who Fell on the Ground” back the first year (2010). It’s not pretty, it’s not edible, it IS retro ragtime jazz pop.

Farmer Jason brings us back to the real Christmas sweetie. “Eat Your Fruitcake” power rocks (kidestyle) the golden-nuggeted double entendre of clearing out the garbage/poop by downing this December dump inducer.

Busting out the Buddy Holly beat, Five Chinese Brothers add musical class to the old “The Fruitcake Song” joke. Regifting is so different than retweeting, don’cha know.

Not sure i ever made this concept clear. What if Santa was ANYTHING else? Not the embodiment of largesse. Not the one-night wonder. What if he was a brother, a father, a lover, a criminal? what if he had ANY other job?

What would that be like anyway? Arrogant Worms wakes us up and looks us in the mirror and pop rocks “Oh God, I’m Santa Claus!” There for the grace of God….

“Santa Claus Wants to be a Rock Star” from Dr. BLT reimagines the old elf as a struttin’ strummin’ douche bag. Now you rockin’ see!

The Castle Arms go more alt with this theme in “Rock n Roll Santa.” Haunting.

Is he dropping out off-season? Bowling for Soup posits “Even Santa Needs a Break Sometimes.” Power rock pop to see his overworked point of view.

Maybe he was from poor beginnings? “Santa Had a Dream” is a marvel of folk country from Adolphe Adam chronicling the WV coal miner who wanted to fly with animals.

Dr. BLT (feat. Jerry Rothberg) also wonder if “Sometimes Even Santa Needs a Shrink.” Here, Mr. Claus is the everyman who demonstrates how normal seeking therapy must be. You can do it too now with talky folk instruction (and subliminal sax).

Is that him lying there all homeless and stuff? “Sidewalk Santa” is actually a date proposal to pick up some dead ringer. Matt Roach is so confusing but folk rock cool.

The poor guy’s a victim so often. Piedmont Songbag wants to know, What’s so sad as a “Santa on a Crying Jag“? Hawaiian blues that makes you think.

Then there’s the optical illusion of ALL those Santas. “The Santa Claus Parade” is that Dixieland influenced clap-along Watkins and the Rapiers nails so well.

Garrulous Gordy Pratt gets country talky with the terrific take-off “Take This Santa Suit and Shove It.” He’s done. Anything else but THAT gig.

Will he let us down? Barnes and Barnes try for a Tiny Time sound in their “Santa’s Gone on Strike.” The bastard!

A loser! “21st Century Santa” is on the unemployment line in the alt-lite folksy Matt Roach ode. He’s replaced by our indifference! and computers!

A bad guy! Santa as hard-ass enforcer leaps out of Dr. Duke Tomatoe’s “Look Out It’s Santa.” Retro rock with a bluesy crunch.

Perhaps a… monster? “Serial Santa” from Jmaq may just techno-terrify you.

We’ll take some time for name calling now that we’ve called him out. “Santa is an A**hole” calls out Erin McKeown with fun lilting cowboy rock.