Category Archives: rock

Eating Cookies (BLUE ALERT)

Bill Clinton might be the one to ask about ‘the definition of sex,’ but i guess we’ll include them willies and bajingos for our search of Xmas sex songs. When a man and a woman eat each other very much… well, mostly the woman… well, listen:

Margaret Cho and Red Peters revisit us with “The Christmas Gift,” all jazzy and smokey and unzipped.

JR De Guzman shyly tries out the naughty words with “A Christmas Song, Sort of.” Soft club blues to put you in the mood–to laff!

The Beaver Boys get nostalgically retro rock with “It’s Christmas and You’re Sucking on My Balls.” Santa features significantly, and a bit rudely. But surely you’ll forgive his indiscretions given the lively jazz riffs.

Coal in Your Stocking (BLUE ALERT)

Santa Claus is such a strong symbol that he seduces all of us. Boys, too.

Einar Mathias Egenes’s “Super Sexy Santa Claus” is a flamboyant, heavily made-up electronic dancing queen.

Kiki (also Continental, reference that spanking rod bit) get all anticipatory for their “Sexy Santa.” Pop bounciness, with a catty swipe at the Mrs.

Jack and Tyler get wry and rocking for “Sexy Santa Claus.” Straight-faced, but not straight.

Licking the Envelopes (BLUE ALERT)

Flip the script, it’s girls’ night at the novelty Christmas music chorale. Now, we’re woke enuf to know most of the songs about women are about men’s fantasies and are at times insulting, and at others criminal. But we’re here to shit all over everything any way…

Instructive male psyche goes into the little boy who wishes to Santa for a “Vagina for Christmas.” He’ll take care of it just like it were a hippopotamus.

More exploitative, the return of Courtney Stoddard’s “Mistletoe Bikini” pops the pop outta our topic. Not much under the shrubbery action, actually.

Supposedly uncomfortable boardmen are mind altered by Andy Smushkin’s folk soft rock video “Christmas Cunnilingus.” It’s National Lampoon approved. Killer psychedelic guitar solo.

Buttering the Cookie Sheets (BLUE ALERT)

Now, for the ladies…

How do women express sexual interest for Xmas?

Ari Mason sashays in front of the Grand Canyon (really, girl?) asking for “Christmas Sex.” Not sure about the Sisyphus allusion, but she alt rock insists she’s a ‘freak in the sheets.’

The Stilette-Hos pop rock out that collectively “I Want Sex for Christmas.” They ain’t subtle, but they are bouncy.

Frolicsome Uninhibited Calliope Knells (BLUE ALERT)

Dysphemism and Christmas needn’t be cacophonous. Nay nay! Let’s try on some sugar-coated songs with less than parliamentary language.

I guess ‘cuz i like the rock and the roll i find Fear’s “Fuck Christmas” euphonious. Sue me. It’s short.

The Mr. T Experience stadiums up the garage anthem with “Merry Fucking Christmas,” a positive greeting of some warmth. And beer.

Austin Litz injects a modicum of calypso into easy listening with the funny “Fuck You Christmas.” Swinging, soothing, sarcastic soft jazz. And the sleigh you rode in on.

Poppy neutered harmonica on Andrew Giachetti’s “It’s Fucking Christmas Time” too fun to miss. Don’t.

“Fucking Hating Christmas” is a winsome pop musing from Gary Agg that won me over quite a bit. I just listened to it again.

Jason Bieler’s Owl Stretching have a bone to pick with the calendar (its days are numbered!). “Fuck You It’s Christmas” is a newage folk protest about the meanness of the masses. Christ! (But it’s pretty.)

Amping up like ’70s party rock, Rollercoaster X sneaks in the fulminations with “A Merry Fucking Christmas to You.” In the nicest way possible, thank you.

Females Understand Carole King (BLUE ALERT)

Cursing is a jolly boys’ game. But girls can play, too. Women bear a significant load of Christmas jeer.

Let’s not overlook boys AS girls with DWV (Detox, William, & Vicky Vox) gettin’ jiggy wit’ it (or certainly suckin’ on it) for “That Christmas Song.” Nasty as they wanna be, boys.

Kim Wilde fronts Lawnmower Deth for a British rollicking prog metal “Fuck You Christmas.” Jolly that, wot?

From Usurped Christian Kingdoms (BLUE ALERT)

Foul language against the competition as well? Sam Hill right! Get on board the cursing cruise as we drive-by Kwanzaa and Hanukkah too!

Thugzy Bunnie cracks me up with his hippity hip hop smashing on all winter celebrations out at the mall, beginning with “Fuck Christmas.”

Cuntgod rattles off the standard list with “Fuck Hanukkah.” Clotted metal punk with a hint of klezmer. Get the guy a lozenge.

The Skivvies (in their underwear) practice “It’s F*cking Hanukkah” for us live. Whitey rap is so hilario.

Much more positive, but also only a draft, “Light the Fucking Candles” from Eva Moon & the Lunatics calls on the Chosen to get with it. Fun folk rock.

Faux Untrue Crafty Kidding (euphemism edition)

Let’s all take a breath from the naughtiness with some made-up words to stand in for the bad shit.

One of the most anime wallpapered youtube redoes is Frickin A’s “Merry Frickin’ Christmas.” Pop hating on the weird fam.

Bowling for Soup power rocks the rage in Bowderlized con mots with “Merry Flipping Christmas.” You KNOW what they mean. Haha points for self reference.

Fornicatin’ Unsanitary Cocksucking Kajooblies (BLUE ALERT)

You wanted the real dirt?

Certainly Denis Leary should be revisited for his funny study in contrasts “Merry Fucking Christmas.” It’s like something for the kids! In the ’90s!

More angrily, Corey Taylor middle fingers all y’all with his “XM@$.” You’ve been abused with classic rock tinged with country folk, you fool. Dance!

HATE Xmas.10

DIY your own Christmas wrath!

“Dan Zig Hates X-Mas” from Dan Lorenzo slows his metal roll for a steamroller ride over the presents. 1st gear to get our footing.

Zebrahead island-beats their “Deck the Halls (I Hate Christmas)” with punctuations of comic pop refs. ‘It’s not for everybody’ ain’t hatin’, so much as toleratin’.

Sorrowful Angels go full retro rock (so percussive!) with their “Anti Christmas.” This is a thing, gang, usually on the solstice, but hating everything our own Pro Christmas stands for. (More with Satanism, later.)