Category Archives: R&B

Picking out the Presents (BLUE ALERT)

Last month was all about the word FUCK in Christmas songs. This month is all about the act FUCK in Christmas songs. Still nasty… but is it more so? Depends on which side of the Mississippi you were born on.

Sexual intercourse is beset with code, euphemism for the uptight authority figurings. So we may encounter some positions not detailed A to B. I’m not here to help. I’m here to listen to some music–and connect the dots on my own. My imagination is just fine, thank you, good luck to you. (You have to gutter up the hidden meanings for all the posting titles for yourself.)

I have previously entertained myself with Furiously Stiff’s “I Want Sex for Christmas.” Wanting’s not having, however. So we’re not even to first base.

Newman McIntosh jollies himself (in his boat?) with a calypso easy listening “I Want to Have Sex on Christmas.” But, girl, he’s lusting for anyone but you. Burn!

Robert Curry is R+B gentle with “Sex for Christmas.” Soulful, meaningful, romantic (make it feel like Summer)… but then milk and cookies start to sound dirty. Hey now.

Fatherly Universality Chris Kringle (BLUE ALERT)

The omniscient, omnipresent judge of us all (with a name we can spell however we like, he’s okay with that), Saint Nick, represents the holiday perhaps more than that other guy. So he gets all the dirty blame for our depressing disappointments.

Bubbles & The Shitrockers gently honky tonks the hell out of the trailer trash tragedy that is hope for the lower classes. “Dear Santa Claus (Go Fuck Yourself)” tells it like beer goggles see it.

Bob Noxious throws music hall around the punk shop to holler “Fuck Off Santa.” Lest you think he’s hasty, check out his prequel of Santa antics in the ‘Bells’ inspired horrorshow “Where’s Me Fuckin’ Sherry?” Even for a Blue Alert this is graphic.

Motown checks in with jennyinstereo who pulls no effin’ punches with “Fuck You (Santa).” Damn girl. Harsh.

Take a Card: R+B

Rhythm and Blues was merely soft rock with too much jazz in it. R+B became code for a Motown sound that blacks had the inside line to. Sadly it opened the door to disco, but also sired rap.

Rudy Currence whines about his baby, but figures a homemade “Christmas Card” will win her over. I dunno, Rudy, those girlish vocals might do it, instead.

Marvin Sapp has a snappy rockin’ backbeat to his “Christmas Card,” but infuses his urgency with soul. (That’s different than R+B, right? Wit’ da funk? Right?)

As Seen on TV: Family Guy/American Dad

The anti-Simpsons barfed and farted briefly, before it was taken up as a cause célèbre by the slacker generation and became to big to fail, despite the best efforts of boy-men writers.

Comedy Christmas bits include the “Peter Griffin Christmas Album” full of mumbly, nonsensible parodies. Hee hee. Oh, and an ironic take on “Jesus Child” as brainwashed braying of the brethren. Bazinga!

Rerun: the best are the big musical numbers like “Christmas Time is Killing Us” (black humor), and “All I Really Want for Christmas” (naughty).

The later series leans on more groovy music. “The Steve and Krampus Duet” is an R+B jewel in a sad ‘Beauty and Beast’ takeoff. Not much Christmas here, but it’s got Slavic tradition.

As Seen on TV: Garfield and Friends

Like the Simpsons a bit later, this series began with a Christmas special. The songs in ‘A Garfield Christmas’ are standard fare for cartoons (for A Prairie Home Companion children), tending toward the sentimental.

Worst is “Christmas in Your Heart” reading off discount bin greeting card lines. Skip it.

“A Good Ol’ Fashioned Christmas” at the end is middle-of-the-road laundered country pop. I like the jew’s harp though (excuse me: lamellophone).

An interesting music hall ditty by John (Thomas Huge) and Garfield (Lorenzo Music) contrasts the wide-eyed owner with the id-centric cat. “Can’t Wait Till Christmas” is mercifully brief, albeit bouncy.

An unexpected gem is the motor music in the background of the cat spying on the dog. “You Can Never Find an Elf When You Need One” is swung by Lou Rawls, but i like Deena Moore’s instrumental in some courthouse.

The cool cat intro, however, buckles us up to the Garfield zeitgeist: “Gimme Gimme Gimme Gimme” by Lou Rawls is pop Motown without regret.

TreeMendous Holiday fun: Cedar People Praying

It’s not just the lordling’s sapling, it’s a pipeline to his house. Pray to the Christmas pine and you’ll be herd.

Annie Sunde (feat. Paulita Todhunter) delivers unto us a “Prayer by the Christmas Tree.” That firry pulpit provides for some fine gospel octave soaring.

Anna Marie Burden exhalts with each ornament on “Our Special Christmas Tree” for the love of God. That’s some serious decoration, with some slight country skill.

“Christmas Tree Shine” by John Tracy salutes the evergreen as a symbol of the everlasting love, or peace, or power, or what have you from God. Tender folk expression.

“Gather Around the Christmas Tree” from the cast of yet another ‘Christmas Carol’ musical is yet another Olde excuse to pray to JC directly. Fine chorale. Better than The Caroleers. More serious than Kidzone. Better harmony than the Robert DeCormier Singers and Ensemble. More Chrsitmassy pacing than The Ambrosian Singers.

Namedropping a little bit of messiah, Matthew Brandon Carlson expresses love for “Christmas Tree Lane (Let It Rain).” It’s a story of pop song romance while shopping, but–you know–and God too.

TreeMendous Holiday Fun: Sequoia Claus

Tree up? How else will Santa know where to direct the presents? Xmas tree marks the spot, little dudes!

This is such an essential concept it’s in every language! Well, at least two. Humberto Almaraz (with the kids) bi-lings the corrido “Santa will Love My Christmas Tree.” I guess that’s happy?

Gentle jazz-grass from Rough Shop catches “The Big Man Under the Tree” in the act. But–is that Santa? You might wanna get some ID, kid.

The Oak Ridge Boys sing about the boy waiting “Beneath the Christmas Tree” for Santa. But, in their own country/western way, it’s really Jesus. Sorry for the spoiler.

Keith Whittal and Friends also aim our attention “All Around the Christmas Tree” to spot the toy bringer. Stay awake, kids! Country pickin’.

Riddim from Kool: “My Christmas Tree” is to Santa like ganja to a Bob Marley fan. Dance off!

Just for chuckles Calvin Bremer parodies ‘The Hanging Tree’ from the Mockingjay movies with “The Christmas Tree“… waiting… waiting… waiting for Santa. Ha!

1959: Marguerite Trina shakes it down with the bluesy R+B rock of “The Rocking Tree,” beseeching that fat man for just the right greenery, daddi-o.

Anthropomorphic Snow Sculpture: pop 3

Twirling flakes and ice skates makes ya wanna dance (if you’re younger than 16). So, let’s get semi-nauseous with pop tributes to snowmen.

Technically a parody of the ‘hit’ ‘Chillin’ like a Villain’ from the Disney Channel’s Descendents show about offspring of cartoon bad guys, “Chillin’ Like a Snowman” is still so forced, so vapid, so MADLIBS tween slang edition that it qualifies as its category: sugar. Thanks, Sofia Carson.

While on the Disney juggernaut, travel back to ‘The Mickey Mouse Club’ to see Annette Funicello dancing and (eventually) singing “Hap-Hap-Happy Snowman” for all the leering cowpokes.

Michael Franks tries to pop the jazz with “When the Snowman Sings.” Ook ook a choke.

Just as jazz band fun is Ya Tafari’s “Mr. Snowman.” Yawn.

Vegas pop from Fancy travels back to the ’90s for which we are barely nostalgic yet for a heapin’ dose of “Snowman.” I am trying to avoide drug references for my snowman songs, but here–i can’t tell.

UK pop from Nathaniel Forrester in the bouncy form of “My Snowman.” Couldn’t get a date?

Pop pop from The Icicles (a Heyheyhey) fulfills emotional shallowness to the tune of “Snowman.”

Rock pop when Danny and Cindy Schneider ask the “Snowman” what he sees, thinks, feels, etc.

Nashville recording gamin Evin has a particularly puffy dance number in “Love Song for a Snowman.” She’s lonely so she makes an imaginary (boy)friend. That’s cool, innit? (His eyes are cookie dough, fagudnessake.)

Fun mod pop from Johnny & the Raindrops remind us these should be Xmas songs! “Someone Stole our Snowman”  is a search engine for where that ephemera went! Wot fun!

Retro romperama! The Del Zorros ’70s the pop with “Snowman’s Holiday.” It’s all cones and caps, baby!

Encore: The Crystalairs re-doowop up a flurry with “Snowman.” Put this on repeat, cats.

Back to the past for the actual fun! 1963 gives us Jaynetts’ “Snowman, Snowman, Sweet Potato Nose“–a real dance sensation. Dottdoo doddadoot doo.

Millie Small (‘My Boy Lollipop’) pops her heart out from 1964 with a similar sentiment but an opposite R+B tinged “I’ve Fallen in Love with a Snowman.” Twist and shower him with icy kisses!

Anthropomorphic Snow Sculpture: abominable detour 8

R+B from Friday Night Films spun off an amusing video they did parodying MTV True Life about a young Abominable Snowman trying to deal with modern times. Charlie Smedile’s “Abominable Snowman Song” is hard to hear at first as his filter is stuck on Barry White/Wookie. But hang in there. Fun stuff.

Parodies’ Paradise: 2014 “Bang Bang”

Jessie J, Ariana Grande, and Nicki Minaj’s number was the lead single from Jessie J’s third studio album Sweet Talker… by the next year it was certified 5× platinum by the RIAA… as of 2016, the song has sold 3.2 million copies in the US… debuted at number one in the United Kingdom… reached the top ten in fourteen countries including Canada, Australia, Ireland, New Zealand and the United States… nominated for Best Pop Duo/Group Performance at the 57th Grammy Award… won Favorite Song of the Year at the 2015 Kids’ Choice Awards.

Katie Wilson (w/Chrissa Sparkles and Michelle Glavan) go big skit production with “Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Wow.