Category Archives: punk

ReduXmas: Manger Management

I still pat myself on the back for that post group title about all the different creatures and the holidays. Some of the strangest songs ever were found for this taxonomy. Let’s sample more.

Starting with the basics “Cockroach Christmas” is a family beer barrel polka from Lou and Peter Berryman about how you can be the Santa for the less vertebrate.

More miss than hit, “We Wish You a Bloody Squidmas” from Rathergood.com gets all Cthulhu with threatening flaying from the Christmas critter in question.

“Festus the Christmas Crab” is a valiant folk effort from Gus Gregory, but his bathroom acoustics are only slightly worse than his sodden lyricism.

Red State Update showcases an animal impressionist who complains “I’ve Got to Give Up Bird Things This Christmas.” Sad kidsong, but hopeful in a twisted way.

Hipwaders get with the program with their krazy kidding kidsong “Christmas Vicuna.” Bachata corrido, muy bueno.

Riffing on the 1984 Band Aid sensation, Fortress of Attitude raises awareness with “Dogs Don’t It’s Christmastime.” Feed the daw-ogs!

The other kind of children’s music is the repetitive silliness of Brian Kinder’s “Kitty Kitty Christmas.” Wotta a mess for adults to clean up! His “Mooey Christmas” is a bit better. Bit o’ wit.

Grumpy Cat presents Cats Across America with the playful pop number “It’s Hard to be a Cat at Christmas.” Something to do with not getting enough presents.

More crazy, Kristin Key child pops “Christmas Kitty” to the fringe of sanity. I can nearly smell it.

Farmer Jason is Hee Haw Ho Hum, but he admits “All I Want for Christmas (Is a Punk Rock Skunk).” To help round out the farm, i guess.

Dr. BLT shuffle sfx to intro “Christmas on the Farm.” Then he gets down, gets funky. Wait for the fun. Red State Update gets right to the noises with their own “Christmas on the Farm.” Sounds like chores, t’me. Farmer Jason’s back with mariachi brass and foggy mountain bluegrass square dancing out “Christmas on the Farm.” Some mutts mentioned, but this is all about the party.

Not enough! Three Day Threshold & Summer Villains get kidsong with their list demanding “I Want a Zoo for Christmas.” Folk fun that smells.

A post-punk set-up from Flaming Lips in “Christmas at the Zoo.” I got agenda for Xmas, whadju get?

Festering Underclass Common Knuckleheads (BLUE ALERT)

‘Cross the pond, class anger is much more punk than urban. Oh yes, both suffer from narcissistic infantilism and drunken outrage, but Brit anti-establishmentarianism is so AGAINST the mercantile capitalism. Not socialist, per se, more anarchist. Which is just a linguistic step away from anti-Christ. So boo on his birthday.

Thorazine backbeats the hell out of “Merry Stupid *ucking Christmas.” It’s a song only a pierced oy boy could love. Gotta pogo to it, though, guv.

The Destructors play rage like a brand in “Merry Xmas & Fuck Off.” Catchy, but a bit empty on the inside.

Cherry2000 upload a bit of the old electronica to their “Merry Fucking Christmas” clashtastic caroling. Parsley?!

Tankard plays “Fuck Christmas” full of righteous self indignation. A family round to be screamed just before Santa is shot down. Charming.

Furious Utterings Can Kill (BLUE ALERT)

Open the hellsmouth and let the bile flow! It’s the best time of the year to be forgiving, so let us forgive unmitigated hatred… of Christmas!

From the film ‘Alien Sex Party’ The Pork Guys seem to try on their bad boy personae with “Fuck Christmas,” a warm up to paroxysm. Metalhead punk.

Actual punk is mushmouthed and breathless. Like MDC and “Merry Fucking Christmas.” Actual chords in here, however–and is that some polka influence?

Punk music likes to screw with you, so Immoral Discipline’s DJ sampling and extra warm up time may be excused. Once they get into their conniptions it’s all careful balance and near-enunciation. I can unnerstan’em. So i highlight it for you.

Sick of Christmas: infirmity

Who cares what the symptoms are?! I’m sick–just… not well, of ill health, indisposed, out of it… o KAY!?

“It Sucks Being Sick at Christmas” is a belabor of love for Andy Bashford. Coulda been half as long, but so coulda the sickness. Alt folk pop.

Andina and Rich take “It Sucks Being Sick at Christmas” to a spiritual level. But it’s music hall comedy folk doggerel.

Joel Faviere equates mood with malady in his alt pop “Sick on Christmas Eve.” He needs some company to cure him. But with that falsetto, i dunno.

MXPX bestows punk to the suffering. “Too Sick for Christmas” cuts right to the heart of the meat: don’t. want. to. party. ‘m. sick.

Don We Now: shod at sunrise

[Heavy sigh.]

‘kay, there’s a song about Christmas clothes as a gift you may have heard. I even included it once. I think we should avoid it. (It’s TERRIBLE.)

(And the excellent parody by Robert Lund.) (But not the Scary Pete equally perverse version.) (Or the trailer park satire from TAL and CC Productions.) (Or the Truma family feud.) (And not the overlong Oddwalk Ministries expose of the kid scammer.)

A slightly punk version of the ultra-Christian cry “Christmas Shoes” by FM Static should cover this. Unless there’s some change left over…?

Take a Card: oh boo hoo

Got your cards bought yet? Dealing out a deck of commercially printed hastily signed holiday observations to select family and friends has gone outta style what with the electronic age. The old insult ‘snail mail’ to indicate paper posting is so past it as to seem quaint. But there was a time, kiddos and kiddettes, when the measure of social value was how many cards you sent and how many you stacked on your mantel. Why, it was a form of decoration in and of itself. Being ‘cut from the list’ just about began feuds and vendettas to last generations.

[Confusingly, many ‘Christmas Card’ songs are themselves the sentiment that you would see transcribed in the card. Those are way too schmaltzy for this irony man. Only songs that mention, describe or feature cards may be permitted herein.]

Let us not fret about the wheres and whys of this passé pose, but instead celebrate the choosing, signing, and stamping in song.

No more fitting tribute than the creaky old reminiscence “An Old Christmas Card,” about that folded fragment of your love found on the floor–from before you left! Ray Smith first (1949) got cornpone cowboy about it. Jim Reeves most famously sealed the sadness.  But let’s get even more emotional–Severe gushes punk all over. Now that’s a cover.

Sing a Song of Singing Songs: ironic

It’s like a joke, no? Danilo Jeza rambles and babbles in near English “Another Christmas Song” so Elvis-ish that it is to point and ridicule. Or weep.

Thomas Causey grunges up the garage with “Just Another Christmas Song” full of angry backbeat and synthed social commentary. Another two inches and it’d be metal.

Destructors 666 bring us this day our punk “Just Another Christmas Song” to make judgment upon our profligate bourgeoisie. That for you!

Presents of Mine: greedier

You want more greed? How much more do you want?!

Repeated, but most appropriate, comedy from Mr. Rodney Carrington showcases his country swing in “The Presents Under the Tree (Better be for Me).” Narcissism is always a hoot.

Big Freedia (from The Office Christmas Party soundtrack) wants and wants (mostly cars and booty) is the party screamer “Make it Jingle.” Urban dance that won’t stop.

BLUE ALERT Lil Jon rap parody “Buy Me Presents” also gets carnal while asking for everything in sight.

Men and Machine shine a light on gimmie-ism with the bluesy electronica “Christmas Greed.” Dated but timeless ’90s screeching.

Parody help from Duncan G with Brian: “One More Gift for Us” takes its cue from Queen’s ‘Bite the Dust.’ (Mostly dissatisfied, the wankers.)

Brit punk is always about the class struggle. This time with suggestions, EDBM (feat. Sid Crowe) preach “Season’s Greedy.” Help!

Presents of Mine: greed

The need for gifts can overtake a weaker mind.

Rappy McRapperson reprises one of my favorite grabby bits “Gimme Stuff for Christmas.” Comedy rap.

Ria Mae is puckish and hesitant with her alt “Gimme My Presents (Take the Bows Off).” Nice experimental take on the kid-near-insanity POV.

PROCACK delivers us Michael Prokop’s helium-voice hiphop in “Gimme My Presents.” A diverting trifle.

Screechy little girl vocals in Greencastle Homer’s “I Want Presents.” Cutesy big band kidsong.

Affecting Bela Lugosi (or is it Family Guy‘s Stewie?) (or the Grinch?), Jerry Becker swings big band fun for “Christmas Presents.” To hell with the pretense, bring on the presents!

More punk than selfish, The Elftones amp up the tone for “Get Some Present.” Tinsel, too, guys?

Presents of Mine: end of the credit line

How sad can you get from a penniless holiday?

Marcus Oglesby moans the blues and Creek Don’t Rise humps the harmonica with “Daddy’s Broke for Christmas.” Well, kids, maybe the trauma of it will repress the memory for you later.

Sean Cole the Outlaw raps thoughtfully for “Another Broke Christmas” remembering the empty Christmases of his childhood. Poetical.

The saddest songs are the worst. Mike Rob is truly awful, and his rap is criminal. So, don’t listen to “Broke Again This Christmas.” Don’t do it. Just don’t.

Pissed about your list, Dragstrip Riot punks all over your cheer with “Broke for Christmas.” There’s some rollicking garage ufn here, however, so excuse my underlying glee.