Who cares what the symptoms are?! I’m sick–just… not well, of ill health, indisposed, out of it… o KAY!?

“It Sucks Being Sick at Christmas” is a belabor of love for Andy Bashford. Coulda been half as long, but so coulda the sickness. Alt folk pop.

Andina and Rich take “It Sucks Being Sick at Christmas” to a spiritual level. But it’s music hall comedy folk doggerel.

Joel Faviere equates mood with malady in his alt pop “Sick on Christmas Eve.” He needs some company to cure him. But with that falsetto, i dunno.

MXPX bestows punk to the suffering. “Too Sick for Christmas” cuts right to the heart of the meat: don’t. want. to. party. ‘m. sick.

[Heavy sigh.]

‘kay, there’s a song about Christmas clothes as a gift you may have heard. I even included it once. I think we should avoid it. (It’s TERRIBLE.)

(And the excellent parody by Robert Lund.) (But not the Scary Pete equally perverse version.) (Or the trailer park satire from TAL and CC Productions.) (Or the Truma family feud.) (And not the overlong Oddwalk Ministries expose of the kid scammer.)

A slightly punk version of the ultra-Christian cry “Christmas Shoes” by FM Static should cover this. Unless there’s some change left over…?

Got your cards bought yet? Dealing out a deck of commercially printed hastily signed holiday observations to select family and friends has gone outta style what with the electronic age. The old insult ‘snail mail’ to indicate paper posting is so past it as to seem quaint. But there was a time, kiddos and kiddettes, when the measure of social value was how many cards you sent and how many you stacked on your mantel. Why, it was a form of decoration in and of itself. Being ‘cut from the list’ just about began feuds and vendettas to last generations.

[Confusingly, many ‘Christmas Card’ songs are themselves the sentiment that you would see transcribed in the card. Those are way too schmaltzy for this irony man. Only songs that mention, describe or feature cards may be permitted herein.]

Let us not fret about the wheres and whys of this passé pose, but instead celebrate the choosing, signing, and stamping in song.

No more fitting tribute than the creaky old reminiscence “An Old Christmas Card,” about that folded fragment of your love found on the floor–from before you left! Ray Smith first (1949) got cornpone cowboy about it. Jim Reeves most famously sealed the sadness.  But let’s get even more emotional–Severe gushes punk all over. Now that’s a cover.

It’s like a joke, no? Danilo Jeza rambles and babbles in near English “Another Christmas Song” so Elvis-ish that it is to point and ridicule. Or weep.

Thomas Causey grunges up the garage with “Just Another Christmas Song” full of angry backbeat and synthed social commentary. Another two inches and it’d be metal.

Destructors 666 bring us this day our punk “Just Another Christmas Song” to make judgment upon our profligate bourgeoisie. That for you!

The need for gifts can overtake a weaker mind.

Rappy McRapperson reprises one of my favorite grabby bits “Gimme Stuff for Christmas.” Comedy rap.

Ria Mae is puckish and hesitant with her alt “Gimme My Presents (Take the Bows Off).” Nice experimental take on the kid-near-insanity POV.

PROCACK delivers us Michael Prokop’s helium-voice hiphop in “Gimme My Presents.” A diverting trifle.

Screechy little girl vocals in Greencastle Homer’s “I Want Presents.” Cutesy big band kidsong.

Affecting Bela Lugosi (or is it Family Guy‘s Stewie?) (or the Grinch?), Jerry Becker swings big band fun for “Christmas Presents.” To hell with the pretense, bring on the presents!

More punk than selfish, The Elftones amp up the tone for “Get Some Present.” Tinsel, too, guys?

How sad can you get from a penniless holiday?

Marcus Oglesby moans the blues and Creek Don’t Rise humps the harmonica with “Daddy’s Broke for Christmas.” Well, kids, maybe the trauma of it will repress the memory for you later.

Sean Cole the Outlaw raps thoughtfully for “Another Broke Christmas” remembering the empty Christmases of his childhood. Poetical.

The saddest songs are the worst. Mike Rob is truly awful, and his rap is criminal. So, don’t listen to “Broke Again This Christmas.” Don’t do it. Just don’t.

Pissed about your list, Dragstrip Riot punks all over your cheer with “Broke for Christmas.” There’s some rollicking garage ufn here, however, so excuse my underlying glee.

No money all year round means no money for Christmas gifts. No comedy. No calamity. It isn’t what it isn’t.

George Naschke figures he’ll ride out “Christmas Broke” nonchalantly, just taking it as it comes. His numb mumbling accompanies a killer blues guitar.

The Mansfields celebrate the sentiment succinctly with “Broke on Christmas Again.” Just so. It’s barely a 3 on the Anger Scale.