Category Archives: polka

TreeMendous Holiday Fun: Softwood Claus

Some musical acts shortchange an audience with simplistic imagery, cliche, and mind-numbing repetition.

Some are just bad.

While on the topic of Santa and trees, a few horrible songs stood out and i thought i’d share them with you.

You don’t have to get me anything.

Half baked and over-miked, Glenn Diamond waits by Christmas Tree, “My Christmas Tree” for Santa to bring something… in my memory. It was all a plodding country dream!

Garnet brings the holiday mood down a notch with the somnolent “Santa’s Christmas Tree.” I wanna say the guy has trouble with English, but–it’s just awful.

Also so off key you can’t listen away, Jean Humanic asks “Santa Sit Beneath My Christmas Tree.” No, it’s not even suggestive it’s so off-putting. Machine beat with a pretty good guitar solo.

Katiah is a bit hyper about her “Christmas Tree” (or, rather, ‘Kwismuss Twee’), but she does know, in kidsong fashion, that tree up = Santa come. The condescension to young people makes me wonder what her o-face really looks like.

Breathy, hesitant rapping (w/o beatbox) “Wrapping up Present By The Christmas Tree” by Aquayemi-Claude Garnett Two Thousand Akinsanya astounds and confuses us with her patient routine around the tree.

Scandihoovian G-MAN hoots it up with “Santa Christmas Tree,” the disco quest of a man for a fir. More might be lost in translation, but maybe you’ll get something out of it. I can’t.

Behold a Star: Marilyn Monroe

Norma Jeane Mortensen was a foster kid bounced around homes and careers and men until she became a glossy prop for Americana. Whether or not she ever was allowed dreams of her own, she became the dream of millions and that’s all that needs to be said here. Sadly.

Lou Mencell and His Mambonicks has a listing January 1955 on Billboard for new pop releases. His hangdog nasal “All I Want for Chanukah is Marilyn Monroe” has been featured on my blog before. But come on. It’s cool.

Tripping Bells: Prozac

Reds to wake, whites to sleep, others for other moods. What’s your holiday wish?

Let’s tag in Xanax here because Loretta Jenkins’s “Walkin’ is a Xanny Wonderland” is NOT so bad it’s good. It’s bad. Yeah, i get that she means to be off key. Still bad.

Lynn Marie has a larf and a harf with a parody of ‘Nuttin’ for Christmas’ entitled “Christmas Prozac Song.” It’s creepier with an adult woman hoaxing a child’s bratty bit. Though it is a good parody for all that.

Wired and stuttering, Hungry Mans Army jitter through “Christmas on Prozac.” Apt, i reckon. I give it a solid B. (Not the video, though: C-.)

Accordian Joe from the Spud Goodman Show is thanking god for that little green pill in “A Prozac Christmas.”

Knackered for the High Holidays

Sots sup! Or they lap, toss, bib, quaff–you know. Hard drinkers don’t need an excuse to drink. But Xmas is the reason for the saucing, if there ever were one.

So here’s to the boozehounds! We should laugh at them! Go ahead, you have permission.

The New Wave of Swedish Celtic Punk may have begun with Finnegan’s Hell. Their “Drunken Christmas” toasts and toasts and toasts until roasted. Beware their video: neglected children, wasted pregnancy, and punched Santas are not the worst of it.

Swallowing his lyrics and BLUE ALERT swearing up a storm, UZ Worm swaps out ‘Holly Jolly’ for “Alcoholic Christmas.” Silly old sot.

Grayson Walker and J McLaughlin cut a jig in their “Christmas Alcoholic” ruining the yuletides for all but those who wish to laugh and point. It’s pop lounge with a dash of oompah. He ho ha, lookit that.

Jack Kuper has a festive number “An Alcoholic Christmas,” which not only explains how to get high as a kite, but adds footnotes, marginalia, and popups to decorate this bouncy fun little number. Partake!

Consume-mas Quantities: ya shore yew betcha

Scandinavian foods kept men alive during hard winters despite the oversalting and lye. Christmas celebrations up north may involve chest pounding and double dog daring to eat the nastier bits of the smorgasbord.

Red Stangland and Terry R. Shaw go with the obvious parody “O Lutefisk.” Funny accents and mournful singing and self denigration abounds.

Stan Boreson (previously Yogi Yorgesson) and Doug Setterberg sing “Just a Little Lefse” so gleefully i excuse the omission of the holidays for this dull flatbread.

The Oslo Glee Club sums up our fear of the pungent foodstuffs with “Don’t Cook Santa Lutefisk.” It’s more Sing Along with Mitch than Lawrence Welk, so sway with them.

Consume-mas Quantities: polish the star

Special foods for special times of the year from special corners of the world make for specialities that no one else would ever eat.

The Pala Brothers, however, are super confident of their polka-based cuisine bragging that “Sausage & Sauerkraut for Santa” made him jolly and fat.

The Polkaholics, however, make grotesque this stuffing of the face with stuffed meats with their own punk polka version of this same song. Lala lala lala, but ironically.

Xmas Dance Party: polka dotty

Polka is so overbearing a musical style, it seems at times to mock itself. Or the misdirected will do that for you.

I suppose if polka is done for the wrong reasons, it seems ridickio. The Wiggles try to juvenile “The Christmas Polka” reducing the beat to a nauseating see-saw of wavering around the floor.

Having way too much fun with that tuba (isn’t that the musical symbolism of the fat man waddling?) The Mellomen featuring Thurl Ravenscroft repeat their “Jingle Polka” from last May. What fun.

Polka cowboy style is a fine mash-up. Jimmy Wakely borrows the term “Christmas Polka,” but delivers a yodeling guitar campfire tribute that smells more Hawaiian.

Wait, you prefer mariachi? Let Wally Gonzales, ‘The Christmas Bandito,’ melodize the Chicken Dance into his “Christmas Polka.” Is it racist?

Now stand back… here comes Jerry Darlak. With his buddies ol’ Jer has several albums of Christmas polka original songs discussing “Shopping,”  “What’s in the Box?” and “Santa.” All i can say is “Thank You Christmas Polka.” It’s listy but keeps the time.

In the same vein pumps Dennis Policy who is included in several compilations of holiday polka tunes. Not as jolly, but “Richie’s Christmas Accordion” is one of those tales of heroism we all need this time of the year.

For off the rails polka the bear fun, please do not go further than the wizard of weird Chuck Pickelsimer’s “Christmas Polka Cha Cha.” Thanx for the reminder, Chuck, that this is a dance–TWO THREE FOUR!

Xmas Dance Party: polka your eye out

When it comes to Christmas polka music you’re going to need a bigger blog: it’s a monster sub genre that goes on for days. Even when i eliminate all instrumental only pieces (which i do), we may skim the foamy surface only.

Let Jim Reeves lead the way with his “Merry Christmas Polka” because this one’s got chart, despite the prevalence of guitar over accordian. Skip to the loo, you’re full of brew.

Then we get into the big band foolishness of The Andrews Sisters with another “The Merry Christmas Polka.” This dollied up jump jive has whizzed all over the Germanic culture. (Bandleader Freddy Martin’ also takes on “Merry Christmas Polka,” but breezes through the biergarten with a dash of Spike Jones liveliness. It’s over orchestrated, but still fun.)

Sing along with Frankie Yankovic’s “Old Fashioned Christmas Polka” which is what your immigrant grandparents remember they heard back in the old country–but, it really isn’t. (Slightly better are Riders in the Sky leaning on more talent than enthusiasm for their version.)

Tex Ritter seems to be reading a foreign language while reciting the words to “Merry Christmas Polka.” It’s mercifully small box, but a bit horsey.

If you really wanna dance, i’ll recommend Sonny Cash’s “Merry Christmas Polka” and not just because it invites you to have a beer or two, but because of the tuba and working Christ into the lyrics. Dance!

If you’re still not sure what to do then GET YOURSELF A GIRL! So exhort the Bresenski Twins in their “Merry Christmas Polka.” Girls, girls, there’s enough to go around.

It may be time to settle for today: Brave Combo does some mean fusion of cowboy, folk, country, and funk. But here comes “Santa’s Polka” and you’ve got a song to listen to as well as fun word play as well as a dance call to stomp out. Can’t keep your polka face, baby.

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Xmas Dance Party: waltz, two, three.

The waltz is a Bavarian couples dance wherein those frisky outdoor folk whirl around so closely their faces almost touch (to three-quarter time).

The standard selection is “The Christmas Waltz” by Frank and Andy and Karen and plenty of others. This is a song your parents’ parents are embarrassed about.

!949 wasn’t embarrassed though. Tenor crooners with angelic girl backups trilling up and down the scales made us want to get all that foreplay in that we could in the way of ballroom slow-dancing (i’ve heard). Enter Buddy Clark (with The Girl Friends), singing “The Merry Christmas Waltz.” Gordon McRae has a more sensual version for getting to second base.

Marie Vernon and the Mellomen find the beat with more big band bounciness in their “Christmas Tree Waltz,” but all i hear (despite a nice jazz trumpet comin’ out of nowhere) is prison exercise music.

The Old West was somewhere near the 16th Century (at least in mouthfeel), so Gene Autry has a “Merry Christmas Waltz” for you. It’s like big band with a hip hop back beat.

Andy gets one more in there with his “Waltz ’round the Christmas Tree.” It starts out pretty, but gets TV over-orchestrated and ends up with shouting.

Who says the oldest dances have to be ancient? Red Foley and Judy Martin make it seem like 1954 with their “Our Christmas Waltz.” It’s a slow somber dance because it’s country style and they’re going to divorce anyways.

Now what we need is an ’80s power ballad. Dobie Gray delivers with “The Christmas Waltz,” a pop step down memory lane for lovers who want to be children again.

I also want sump’m purdy–like rock ‘n’ roll with a French influence and plenty o’ saxophone: The Olympics raise the roof with “Dancing Holiday“–ma cherie ma bell.

The waltz must remain a bit stiff and formal, though. I want to stay reverential, okay maybe even depress you a bit. So, Li’l Wally revs up his oom-pah ensemble for “Sleigh Bells Waltz,” resulting in a mad mess of melancholic minuet-ing. Have fun.

Santa Jobs: inanimate

I guess Santa makes a great decoration, he could make some extra scratch hiring out as a nativity scarecrow or something…

Please welcome the joys of The Christmas Jug Band (featuring lead Paul Rogers here) with there DIY instructions what to do with your jolly old elf in “Plant a Santa.” Grow a little merry tonight!