Category Archives: polka

ReduXmas: Tree-mendous Holiday Fun

The holiday pine is pretty Christ-symbolic, but we still plonk these songs into the non-denominational bin. Everybody sing sing sing.

Piedmont Songbag a cappellas “Hunt Hunt Hunting” for their Christmas Tree. A manly chant for the whole family.

Bobs and Lolo give us the kidsong of finding and erecting with “Up Up Up.” Dramamine anyone?

The tree gives us a not-safe-for-children lament “Far From Home.” The Rockhogs (by way of Something Awful) weep out the Celtic folk with an occasional BLUE ALERT rock outburst. Memorable.

Much more fun, doo wopping from The Stompers “Stompin’ Round the Christmas Tree” puts the party in parturient.

Also hating, Norick Eve strums the folk out of “I Hate This Tree.” Melodic emo.

Kid pop from The String Beans syncopates their irk from “Upside Down Christmas Trees” they saw in some other country. What’s up with that?

Decorating time! Brian Kinder swings the kidtune “In the Back on the Bottom,” that kidcomplaint about where your homemade ornament went.

Gordy Pratt takes the “Oldest Decoration” POV with a tinkly bit of pop folk. Antique nostalgia to make you take a moment.

Ornaments are one thing, the lights are a nightmare. A nice Argentinian nod in Watkins & the Rapiers’s “Christmas Lights Untango.” Fun frustration.

Here come the instructions from Dr. Duke Tomatoe. Rocking up some jazzy ‘billy, “Turn on Your Christmas Tree” should do the job.

Let’s overdecorate. Yes, i include overall/house decorations with the tree’s biz, but The Therapy Sisters do mention trees in “The War of the Lights.” Down home musical fare, but in war nobody wins.

Closed Heart Surgery gets experimental DJ mashing up old easy listening with exuberant young rap. “I Hope Christmas Lights Burn Your House Down” is more concerned with the rhyme than the reason, but it pops. Shit just got BLUE ALERT.

The jolliest romp comes from Piedmont Songbag (circular sawing!) with “Burning the Christmas Tree.” Sounds fun (except for the gasoline part).

ReduXmas: Naughty Word List

A natural response to the lovey-dovey songs from previous was to holler shit-piss-fartingdamn. So i scraped the bottom of the undies drawer for some mild profanity.

Trying too hard the Ozzie-styled tart Jenny Talia takes the piss with “I Wish You a Pissy Christmas.” Music hall, now with more sax.

Honorable mention to the comedy routine (not song) from Axis of Awesome, “Silent Night, Holy Shit!” It’s a ‘Cloverfield’-inspired song of noel-interruptus.

Also with less singing, Hunteroninski (BLUE ALERT) goes profane with the story of Christmas in “Shit, Shit, Shit.” They’re not exactly quoting scripture with their caroling.

The metaphor of terribleness gets the raspberry from Dr. Duke Tomatoe. Jazzing up the blues, “Christmas I Can’t Take It” subs in a phbllt! for every mention of the s-word. Cool, man.

The actual shit is addressed in Kristin Key’s “Rudolph, Don’t Go,” a delightful country cautionary about what to do before a long trip. Ha, she said ‘duty-free!’

Fa-la-la-latulence is harder to pin down, so Kevin Bloody Wilson to the rescue with “Grandad’s Finger,” jolly bluegrass about the miserable old cusses with their insipid practical jokes.

And here’s one more tasty morsel: Phil Olson’s “Grandma Cut the Christmas Cheese.” Polka time!

Take a Card: or not

The zen balance of cards you give and cards you get is zen.

So counting becomes a means of exacting justice.

Newby’s Diaries sadly, retro-pop-ly regrets. “I Don’t Expect Many Cards This Christmas” rolls out the punctured inflatable holiday yard art that won’t ever stand tall.

Or just “No Christmas Card,” the chant of children (actually Citizens of Nowhere) in electronica parang.

Watkins and the Rapiers sneak their message “Don’t Expect a Christmas Card from Me” in some serviceable polka. But, (while self righteous) remain vigilant–and hopeful!

Presents of Mine: shopping wherever else

Some specialized shopping destinations for Christmas herewith.

A scary pop song commercial for the UK TV channel Ideal World summons you to spend. Flexi-payments! “The One Stop Shop This Christmas” must not be listened to alone.

The Fallen Angel Choir yuk it up for a Walmart spree with their parody “Achy Breaky Shop.”

How about “Christmas at My Comic Shop”? Joe Quesada and the Idlechatters rock it for the geeks.

Jerry Darlek & The Buffalo Touch have a hint how to help the Christmas party: do your “Christmas Shopping Polka” at the liquor store. A personal message of sumfin er edder.

TreeMendous Holiday Fun: Softwood Claus

Some musical acts shortchange an audience with simplistic imagery, cliche, and mind-numbing repetition.

Some are just bad.

While on the topic of Santa and trees, a few horrible songs stood out and i thought i’d share them with you.

You don’t have to get me anything.

Half baked and over-miked, Glenn Diamond waits by Christmas Tree, “My Christmas Tree” for Santa to bring something… in my memory. It was all a plodding country dream!

Garnet brings the holiday mood down a notch with the somnolent “Santa’s Christmas Tree.” I wanna say the guy has trouble with English, but–it’s just awful.

Also so off key you can’t listen away, Jean Humanic asks “Santa Sit Beneath My Christmas Tree.” No, it’s not even suggestive it’s so off-putting. Machine beat with a pretty good guitar solo.

Katiah is a bit hyper about her “Christmas Tree” (or, rather, ‘Kwismuss Twee’), but she does know, in kidsong fashion, that tree up = Santa come. The condescension to young people makes me wonder what her o-face really looks like.

Breathy, hesitant rapping (w/o beatbox) “Wrapping up Present By The Christmas Tree” by Aquayemi-Claude Garnett Two Thousand Akinsanya astounds and confuses us with her patient routine around the tree.

Scandihoovian G-MAN hoots it up with “Santa Christmas Tree,” the disco quest of a man for a fir. More might be lost in translation, but maybe you’ll get something out of it. I can’t.

Behold a Star: Marilyn Monroe

Norma Jeane Mortensen was a foster kid bounced around homes and careers and men until she became a glossy prop for Americana. Whether or not she ever was allowed dreams of her own, she became the dream of millions and that’s all that needs to be said here. Sadly.

Lou Mencell and His Mambonicks has a listing January 1955 on Billboard for new pop releases. His hangdog nasal “All I Want for Chanukah is Marilyn Monroe” has been featured on my blog before. But come on. It’s cool.

Tripping Bells: Prozac

Reds to wake, whites to sleep, others for other moods. What’s your holiday wish?

Let’s tag in Xanax here because Loretta Jenkins’s “Walkin’ is a Xanny Wonderland” is NOT so bad it’s good. It’s bad. Yeah, i get that she means to be off key. Still bad.

Lynn Marie has a larf and a harf with a parody of ‘Nuttin’ for Christmas’ entitled “Christmas Prozac Song.” It’s creepier with an adult woman hoaxing a child’s bratty bit. Though it is a good parody for all that.

Wired and stuttering, Hungry Mans Army jitter through “Christmas on Prozac.” Apt, i reckon. I give it a solid B. (Not the video, though: C-.)

Accordian Joe from the Spud Goodman Show is thanking god for that little green pill in “A Prozac Christmas.”

Knackered for the High Holidays

Sots sup! Or they lap, toss, bib, quaff–you know. Hard drinkers don’t need an excuse to drink. But Xmas is the reason for the saucing, if there ever were one.

So here’s to the boozehounds! We should laugh at them! Go ahead, you have permission.

The New Wave of Swedish Celtic Punk may have begun with Finnegan’s Hell. Their “Drunken Christmas” toasts and toasts and toasts until roasted. Beware their video: neglected children, wasted pregnancy, and punched Santas are not the worst of it.

Swallowing his lyrics and BLUE ALERT swearing up a storm, UZ Worm swaps out ‘Holly Jolly’ for “Alcoholic Christmas.” Silly old sot.

Grayson Walker and J McLaughlin cut a jig in their “Christmas Alcoholic” ruining the yuletides for all but those who wish to laugh and point. It’s pop lounge with a dash of oompah. He ho ha, lookit that.

Jack Kuper has a festive number “An Alcoholic Christmas,” which not only explains how to get high as a kite, but adds footnotes, marginalia, and popups to decorate this bouncy fun little number. Partake!

Consume-mas Quantities: ya shore yew betcha

Scandinavian foods kept men alive during hard winters despite the oversalting and lye. Christmas celebrations up north may involve chest pounding and double dog daring to eat the nastier bits of the smorgasbord.

Red Stangland and Terry R. Shaw go with the obvious parody “O Lutefisk.” Funny accents and mournful singing and self denigration abounds.

Stan Boreson (previously Yogi Yorgesson) and Doug Setterberg sing “Just a Little Lefse” so gleefully i excuse the omission of the holidays for this dull flatbread.

The Oslo Glee Club sums up our fear of the pungent foodstuffs with “Don’t Cook Santa Lutefisk.” It’s more Sing Along with Mitch than Lawrence Welk, so sway with them.

Consume-mas Quantities: polish the star

Special foods for special times of the year from special corners of the world make for specialities that no one else would ever eat.

The Pala Brothers, however, are super confident of their polka-based cuisine bragging that “Sausage & Sauerkraut for Santa” made him jolly and fat.

The Polkaholics, however, make grotesque this stuffing of the face with stuffed meats with their own punk polka version of this same song. Lala lala lala, but ironically.