Category Archives: show tune

WHAT ELSE? Can We Has Festivus

Protests against the Christmas combine have rallied and failed many times. Apparently the Frank Costanza bit in Seinfeld predates to the O’Keefe household, one of the writers from that show. I’ll leave it to you to research what’s the deal with this Dec. 23 hoo-hah, as i prefer to learn about life through song.

The story comes to us by way of Joel Kopischke with “The Festivus Bunch.” One man with a uke and some research catches us all up. Ain’t loinin’ fun?

Ben Kling attempts to catch you up with the sitcom mythos in his pretend Seinfeld: The Musical. (The woes of overpopulation, too much about nothing.) “Festivus” features bad impersonations, jazzy rap caroling, and a little humor. Enjoy.

Bob “Rogro” Grow is less successful with his adorable folk lovefest “The Festivus Song.” Some of the pissy annoyance is captured, but it’s a bit light-hearted to represent Angry America.

Also introductory by way of lounge jazz, Brett Houston cools out “A Festivus Holiday Jam” by comparing major celebrations one at a time.

Brian McCarthy gets weird with some horror movie soundtrack inspired moaner “It’s Festivus.” Appropriate. But i think melacholier than thou.

WHAT ELSE? Is It Racist?

Can we make fun of ethnic differences from a comfortable chair and NOT be mean-spirited? Is it fair to mock all but those we bear a burden of guilt from? What?

All i know is, please approach these wacky novelty holiday songs with care.

We’ve already considered “The Kwanzaa Song” from Futurama. Antic!

D.L. Hughley hires a white jewish guy to write the epitome of the Kwanzaa carol.Jeff Marx’s “White Kwanzaa” is a showtune of uncertainty, backpedaling, and a shared wink.

Gone in a wink is Sizone’s tecnho-garbledygoo “Kwanzaa is Here.” The message is medium warm.

Sam & Bill’s live “Kwanzaa Song” is the usual floundering of white guys with an uncomfortable topic. Attention deficit theater folk.

Barnes & Barnes apply more white sentiment onto “Kwanzaa’s Here Again.” This trembling hawaiian folk is awkward and light-hearted, not in that order.

It’s All Relative, lovelovelove

If love had a center, it should be in the home. All the possibilities of growth, hope, being begin in a happy warm hearth. Christmas, we could wish, is the opportunity to express, share, and achieve the pinnacle of that completion.

Patch the Pirate (?!) creates a musical cartoon for the ears with “Christmas at Our House,” a religious orgasm of happy family time. Quaint kidsong.

Errol Brown electro-R+Bs “Family Christmas Time” to the pinnacle of ecstacy. Family is it, man. Nuthin’ better.

Soaring above the mundanity Ann Hampton Calloway (and sis Liz) praise and ask “God Bless My Family.” Not so much with the Christmas gathering, but a pretty good contribution to the spirit of the holiday.

It’s All Relative, pathology

You know the meme: ‘If you met my family, you’d understand.’ It’s as funny today as ‘I’m turning into my mother!’ was 25 years ago. But families don’t just have a chemistry (good or bad), they have a diagnosis.

They might be poorly sung: the family rehab showtune from Monique Madrid “Family Christmas Song” wherein the digs are made with love/hate.

They might be soulful parody: the ‘Silver Bells’ unplugged acid resignation as “Frozen Smiles” from Nancy McKeown. Cue the discordant whistlers!

Passive-aggressive gets its own spotlight. “Have Yourself a Passive Aggressive Christmas” from Keef Baker tosses us another parody. Or else… what? Joshua Tyra resupplies our amateur showtune (this time with more range) in “A Passive-Aggressive Christmas.” Growling through gnashed teeth! Original talent comes from queens Jinkx Monsoon (feat. Major Scales) and their “Passive Aggressive Christmas.” Jazzy showtune about how to swallow it.

EX-Mas, not so gaily BLUE ALERT

Heteros don’t own commitment issues. Queers can spit all over the perfect coupling, at that time of year.

Adam Ray parleys his amateur snit at your cheatin’ ways with “The Ex Song.” It’s set to ‘Jingle Bells’ rather than addressing the holiday blow up. But it’s nasty.

David Pevsner gets showstopping with his naughty ultimatums in “Merry Ex-Mas.” You had it coming, you hussy!

ReduXmas: Toymakers Local 1224

Airing the grievances of subordinate Clauses led to many songs about how much these oompa-loompas like to slave away. I worry about the subtext for children to sing-along. So i made sure to insert surly, nasty, and violent songs about elves and their workshop. Politically speaking, this idea has legs.

First, some introductions: “Adam the Elf” is experimental concerto from Iline (Something Awful presentations). It’s that name repeated to medieval minstrelizations.

“Elvie the Elf” is a cornball country kiddies’ canticle by Billy Kringle. That’s the most deadpan ‘tee-hee-hee’ i’ve heard.

Ruby Rivers just refers to the overworked interchangeable mote as “Little Elf.” Jazzy sadness, but beautiful.

Now, some parodies: The Withers give us what we asked for, mocking Idol’s “Dancing with Myself’ in the form of “Dancing with my Elf.” Completely satisfactory. (Well, better than the Divinyls’s spoof “I Touch My Elf” from them.)

Drag queens Manila Luzon and Alaska Thunderfuck stomp through the show tune “Working Holiday” addressing the highs and lows of the craft concentration camp. Their harmony is labor-inducing.

The overthrow comes from Ivy Winters (the same album: Christmas Queens 2) in “Elfy Winters Night.” This is a power diva jazz manifesto, somehow ambiguously covering overwork and not enuf sex.

It’s gonna get CRAZY “When the Elf Comes to Town.” The Roundheads have warned us with their garage exultations.

Watkins and the Rapiers settle the negotiations with “Arise Ye North Pole Workers,” a hollering chant calling out the fat cat. This one goes out to my late father-in-law and surviving sister, shop stewards both.

Coming Down the Chimney (BLUE ALERT)

While we are on the subject of the Clauses, what about Nick?

Back to SNL for Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph, Kristin Wiig to get dreamy about how “Santa’s My Boyfriend.” Retro ’50s rock’n’roll innuendo.

Karen Petrocella also torches with “Santa Guy.” This is not a ‘Baby’ takeoff, but a jazzy love song (barely PG-13, but steamy).

Steel Panther glam metals “Sexy Santa” just right for all the girls and boys. You’d swear it was the ’90s.

Soul steals the show with The Louisiana Blues Brothers and how they heard “Santa was a Freak Like Me.” He’s on the prowl for the naughty.

Almost convincingly straight Dejan Milićević as LAZZ presents himself as “Sexy Santa Claus” with limp MOR rock and a lispy accent.

The Theme Song has an awesome collection of one-minute bust ups over whatever the beef of the moment is. Nasty time for Santa with this playful rap “Merry Motherfucking Christmas.”

“Naughty or Nice” is the moaning pop guzzle we’d expect from Francine the Queen of Obscene. Very, very naughty.

The Mulaney Sisters raise the roof to thank the Netflix ’18 flick ‘The Christmas Chronicles’ with their “Sexy Kurt Russell.” That ‘Christmas leather daddy’ is the present they want. (To ‘bone,’ not open.)

Little Elf Wish (BLUE ALERT)

Has a penis ever been a present?

Perhaps you’ll remember ’06 with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg and a little ditty they called “D*** in a Box.” The Holiday version.

Has a penis ever written a letter to Santa?

Just so happens i came across Buck Hujabre singing Angela Chan’s “Sad Penis Christmas.” No real Alert needed here, it’s loads of innuendo (see what i did there?)… but it’s a real show stopper. And yes, the penis wants love for Xmas.

Extra Ribbon (BLUE ALERT)

Some consideration of the primary sexual characteristics, before we smash ’em up for Christmas.

Starting with the crown jewels, then. You do know someone is gonna write a song or twenty about penises and Baby J’s birthday–don’t you?

Parodies of traditional carols muddied up with explicit content is a whole category. You’ll have to wait for that tedium… But ‘White’ gets a howlingly bad under-aged nympho cat screech with “Wide Penis” from Kwixotica. (Her channel also includes caroldies about pissing, shitting, and vomiting all over herself from partying too much.) George Takei is no better at this.

To redeem myself in your eyes, i submit Matt Mulholland’s “O Holy Night.” He conjured this song idea when he was thirteen and… well, please click on the link and be amazed. (His non-December related follow-up is worth the notice.)

Actually better than that, The Vandals bring unto us an original jolly pop folk number “Christmas Time for My Penis.” It’s melodic, sweet, and corny (not like a real penis at all).

Farming Unrelated Curs Kenneled (BLUE ALERT)

Overall, the hate aimed at Christmas flails a wide brush. Can we get more specific? Which aspect of the holidays spurred yer cursing? Well?

Well, we’ve investigated some of these heretofore. Tin Can Bros “F***ing Christmas Sweater” is sure pop music swell. Sure can’t fault the flute! And Kyle Dunnigan’s “Fuck You, Mistletoe!” is country catastrophe of the comic kind. Wild. I laugh every time i hear ’bout the ‘Sloppy Joe.’

Fortress of Attitude strums the folk tremulo to tell us “It’s Fucking Cold Outside.” It’s on their Christmas album (& it’s funny), so okay.

Big Sub-o (feat. Jim Dandy) raps wise against the economic constraints of the damned holy-day with “Fuck a Tree.” (Santa’s vilified as well.)

Okay, here’s what we’ve been waiting for. From ‘Another Fucking Christmas Play: A Fucking Musical’ comes “Another Fucking Christmas Song” by the original cast (feat. Eric Branget). Ah, the ennui. It is to kill us! (But until then, can anyone get me tickets?!)