Christmas Countdown: 5th

December 25th I’m chuggin on a 5th, raps YT (feat. The Don Smoke) in a boo… boogie woogieA Haunting On Christmas.” Not sure the trapping and drinking is a good enough excuse for the pouring blood down the street. Guess they’re being naughty.

BLUE ALERT from Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All (featuring Earl Sweatshirt, Tyler, The Creator, and Hodgy Beats) who also drank a fifth of eggnog and spewed the obscene hate that is “Fuck This Christmas.” Blackout drunk rap poetry.

The height of the romantic December season was the 5th we got it in and then we made some cookies. But it went downhill by the 10th. So it’s “Lonely for Christmas” a shrill alto soul ugly cry. Aryah got some chops and i’m not mad at the arrangement.

Lagoona Bloona is happy she got you for Christmas. No gift off 5th Avenue compares. Which is why it’s gonna be a “Blow Christmas.” Sassy drag queen R+B.

Old school rap from DJ Jazzy Jeff and The Fresh Prince, “Family Christmas” is about people: You cant buy happiness at Sax 5th Ave. Dance, Grandma!

Bebopping pop from LostAlone also sets the sights from Little Italy, Rockefeller Center, and 5th Avenue in the hyper “I Want Christmas Always.” Dingdong.

The funkiest dig at 5th Avenue comes from Sarah Pillow. She suggests moving west past the crushing crowds for a “Hell’s Kitchen at Christmas Time.” Suggestive it is.

Christmas Countdown: 10 longer and other measurements

Thomas Rhett may love “Christmas in the Country,” but he overdoes all the decorative trends like any suburbanite: You could be ten miles away And see my house from the road. More pop than country, despite the banjo.

Jim White was crying in a Greyhound Station on “Christmas Day” in 1998. Why? P.A. said the bus broke down 10 miles from the station. This alt-folk mini-masterpiece of the hope for love puts us in the scene, bittersweet though it be.

St. Lucifer the Outcast haughtily raps: Hop in my sleigh let’s ride (uh yea) Crusing thru I-10 and 35 (uh yea) Hitting 88 travel thru time (uh yea) And you know you my ride or die (uh yea). BLUE ALERT, natch, but “Nighty Night” comes off kinda sweet for the holidays. Sweet dreams.

Jesse Malin made his baby cry in “Xmas.” This soaring garage ballad begins with 10$ in his pocket and no prospects (even tried to make it clean). Sad but worth it.

Miss Lou loves “Christmas in My City.” Not that she doesn’t have something to comment about there in Singapore. Warm and wet as it might be, It’s not a winter wonderland; But we can play pretend: Walk into a mall and it’ll be 10 degrees. Jazzily matter-of-fact.

Christmas Countdown: 19!

Young Xmas love! We kissed beneath the mistletoe; We were just 19 years old sings Jack Mahon of his accented “Christmas Miracle.” It’s that kind of tinkly pop you can barely here in the back of a Starbucks.

A power outage for The Marsh Family causes the cry “Bring Us a Candle” for Christmas. Oddly the clock was stuck on 19… where are we?! Suprisingly good show tune pop.

And outside they were singing, The lights of Christmas Eve–But he’s lost in the darkness; Dreams are never what they seem Locked in Room 19 run the lines of the expressionistic experimental “Room 19.” Chanteuse Jill Tracy heralds in a scary Xmas.

Christmas Countdown: 37

Sometimes i don’t get it…. Punchline shimmy-shammies their BLUE ALERT rap “Punchline Christmas Rap” with So go ask Santa and his eight reindeer,
For 37 Everywhere
. Get it?

Why does Waylan St. Palan enjoy “Christmas at the Bar“? There’s 37 relatives that just don’t agree–And every single one of them has cornered me. Burlesque jazz squalling. Merry, merry, merr–I’m tellinya–yeah.

Christmas Countdown: 300

Three hundred may be magic for bowling, but what else can we say about it? Sure, it’s a triangular number and the sum of a pair of twin primes (149 + 151), as well as the sum of ten consecutive primes (13 + 17 + 19 + 23 + 29 + 31 + 37 + 41 + 43 + 47) and, okay, it is palindromic in 3 consecutive bases: 30010 = 6067 = 4548 = 3639, and also in base 13. But other than that….

John the Singer invites you to drink 300 beers now that you’ve made it through the shitstorm of this year. BLUE ALERT “Merry Ducking Christmas” ducks no punches in an experimental garage kind of way. Sounds like how existential angst feels.

The Macc Lads get way more BLUE ALERT with their “Jingle Bells.” Sex is like breathing for these hardcore punkers. See, when Beater found 300 johnnies in his Christmas stocking We didn’t see him ’til New Year’s Eve. That’s 300 condoms in one week, mathematicians.

Jamie Callum’s “The Pianoman at Christmas” has got three hundred songs about Santa Claus under my fingers. This psychological study adds symphony to the lonely. Worth a listen.

On the lighter side, June Christy wishes you “The Merriest” for Christmas and the next 300 and some odd days. This swingin’ jazz easy listening needs listening to. It’s hep, cat.

Ringers: Marvin

Balderdash & Humbug’s “Marvin the Substitute Reindeer” is another ‘Rudolph’ parody. But it does tell a story. (Have you ever seen Santa Claus mad, boys and girls?) Bit of a giggler. And the little girl digression tries our patience. Bit misogynistic actually.

David Ayers introduces “Marvin the Loud Mouth Laughing Reindeer” with braying guffaws. Not a fully rounded character. Not a chance to help with the sleigh. But the dixieland screeching is full on. Holee cow.

Name Seven, etc.

Donner may have began as Donder or Dunder. It’s a Germanic thing. But who cares–no mentionable songs about this reindeer exist. At this point we lump the last two together.

F’rinstance, “Donner & Blitzen” from The Peter Pan stable of singers flutes its way jazzily through a harrowing adventure through the awful storm.

X-claim: oh (pt. 1)

Mostly European the expression that looks like a Far Side character’s rounded-lips surprise acts as punctuation, or I s’pose these days, emoji to get your attention for the following pronouncement:

Oh Christmas” by Zefereli is the alt-zen folk lesson in calming down for the holidays. Soporific. So, i need something else.

Oh Christmas” from Calypso Rose is a cry for whiskey–and the celebration of Christ’s birth. Parang rager.

Oh Christmas, Oh Navidad” is Mundo Armijo’s order to children to play all day, in the name of God. Sweet salsa.

Oh Christmas” as Josue Alfredo Ayala tells it is a call to be a bird. Unintentional novelty returns with symphonic jazz tastelessness.

X-claim: huzzah (pt. 1)

Xmas being celebratory in nature, shoutings might include explosive ejacuations of exclamations. Huzza becomes hurray and other variations, it being a clamor populi.

Hurray Hurrah” is some of the most Carrib fun we can have here on the blog. Singing Francine leaves nothing behind with her hand-clapping, ululating folk synth party.

Whitening up the locale, “Hurray for Christmas” from Steve DeDoes & Don Sebesky (feat. April Tini) recall The Lawrence Welk Show with their carefree jazz simplifications and jolly harmonies.

Greg Helmer gets quietly personal with his 2016 USA woes and the blues in “Hurray Hurray for Christmas.” Mixed message, dude. But mightily talented.

Hooray Heroes change up the spelling and countryfication of the concept with the sassy “Hooray, It’s Christmas Time!” Like you don’t care!

Retro jazz from Janet Seidel continues our new spelling with “Hooray for Christmas.” Heavy on the drums, light on the interjection.