It’s “Christmas in Fallujah,” children snuggle in their beds While the corpses of their parents dance around in their heads; Palaces and bridges, we burned them to the ground, ‘Cause someone got a contract to rebuild the whole damned town. Jefferson Pepper folk-pops the Hell on Earth to end all.
“Damn, Santa!” is the green-eyed rap from Delu. Lots of questions ’bout how he does it.
Working hard at all the rhymes and near-rhymes for ‘Santa,’ Dan Bull (from a JacksFilms idea) raps out gleefully “Damn, It Feels Good to be Santa.” A wild and profane ride.
Funk me, DJ Tenderloin mashes up soul, Queen, Ed Grimley, and plenty others with “About Damn Christmas Time.” Disco adjacent.
Best Damn Roofer offers the “Best Damn Christmas” album with all the standards sung with the word roof substituted for all the nouns. Watch out for the BLUE ALERT drug spiral. I dare you to last all ten minutes.
Seiza (feat. Biggie Smalls) has had enough of quality Christmas songs, and talent for that matter. “About Damn Time for an Actually Good Christmas Song” delivers on ‘Good,’ provided ‘Good’ is weak ass bad. BLUE ALERT
Daddy issues in Sniff’n’The Tears’s “Man in a Million.” This folk rock insight to the deadbeat dad offers for his triumphal return a question: Will he be home by Christmas With gifts of pirate gold…?
“Blackbeard vs Santa Claus” from Gridline Rap Battles pits a covetous historical figure against a braggadocio. Little effort to decide Santa wins over pirates.
Lori Mae Hernandez reappears (after rising to the level of America’s Got Talent) with “Yo Ho Ho (A Pirate’s Life for Me)” all about Santa’s bathroom habits.
Putting up the tree and mate yanking and swabbing the deck are just some of the “Christmas Time On A Pirates Ship (A Christmas Shanty)” fun-time activities by Cookies and Cream Entertainment (with Derek and Andrew). A rap masked as shanty with a strange Eastern European accent. Yeah, it’s like that.
Hello Wonder indies “Dear Santa (A Pirate’s Request)” from the daughter of a pirate to the only one she knows who can make her dad nice, not naughty. Too cute for words!
Captain Dan & The Scurvy Crew ask Santa directly for cannons and whatnot in “A Pirate Christmas” all the while planning on ambushing, robbing, and slaughtering the jolly old elf. These pirates bite off more brass monkey than they can chew. Kiddie rap.
Toy boat? How ’bout a beaut of a boat? Is that TOO much?
Paul and Tom’s ‘Holiday Spunktacular Podcast for December 13th, 2017’ from their podcast Hometown Sounds begins with Andrew Grossman’s band The North Country recording of “Don’t Shop Just Love.” This noted socialist doesn’t want a U-Boot, just warmth. So, no boat. (Continue listening to the podcast as you please. It’s okay.)
Unkle Funkle also disapproves of Xmas excess: I don’t need a car or boat or brand new skis; I don’t want a diamond ring or any of these–I just need a little Christmas romance, please! “I Want a Kiss from Santa” he funk-raps. That’s enough… for the lonely.
In the most aggro ship-hating, SHeDAISY (feat. Rascal Flats) gives away and burns your stuff (including sinking your Bass boat) so you’ll have more time for her. As a Christmas gift! “Twist of the Magi” is a pop country back-and-forth of fun.
[Repeat offender Amanda Shires brings back the actual want of a boat, and a pony, and a plane–anything but you! You she wants “Gone for Christmas.” Groovy blues.]
Crazy Kuzins want a ship and a skipper in their “Warning… Crazy Christmas List.” ‘Course they also kid-rap how they want a really smart newt to compute square roots, a mosquito burrito for my pet bat, pat, and a bowl of potpourri. So, no limits.
“Christmas Oranges & Sunk Submarines” is Buttonfly’s plea to stay home for the holidays and not see all the extended family with the baby. Gentle indie folk that bleeds the blues all over the tub toys.
Curly head dolls that toddle and coo, Elephants, boats, and kiddie cars too are just some of the booty you’ll see when “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” Not every version bothers with these carrots, preferring to terrify you instead with the stick of his seeing of you when you’re sleeping. Try Gastronomical Unit’s re-imaging.
The elf who DOESN’T get to make the toy boats is pretty pissed BLUE ALERT in Tessa Barcelo’s ‘Toyland’ musical. “Merry Christmas for Today” is a mad lyrical rap from Hanna Bielawa who is not satisfied on the shelf. Frantic and antic.
Christmas train songs can just be noisy and not mean anything.
“Train Trip” from the album Christmas Sobbing by Flore CF starts as a noisy journey, but interweaves multilingual background dialog so the whole mess just feels like holiday travels.
“Not a Late Night Train” from the album CHRISTMAS SPECIAL 2017 by Ann Eysermans is the back tracking weirdness of experimental pop. No idea what it’s supposed to be.
“Santa’scomin’baka’round!” by Toddiefunk yells out the rap like a black Paul Revere. It’s all good, it’s all celebration: Now after all the presents have been opened and the dinner consumed We’ll dance down a soul train line. Funk. E.
