Robert Boog has a less-than-impressive rap woe, that is born on Christmas Day. As an “Xmas Baby” no one celebrates him much, in fact it’s looking dismal: So I jog six blocks to my apartment Landlord lookin’ at me like he want the rent, Yank open the door and what a surprise–they’re all there to sing Happy Birthday! Yea!
Die Roten Rosen reggae juice up “Jingle Bells” just a BLUE ALERT bit, adding how I’m looking for a girl, I think you know the kind, The kind that makes you come six times by the end of your sleigh ride. Another Christmas miracle!
In the same rut, xKja slyly raps “All I Really Want,” which he feels he deserves since Been practicing these moves to use on you In different ways Put you in 6 positions baby… and BLUE ALERT.
The “Reason for the Season” is DCTalk’s reason to rap: The first six letters drop the why’s–Yo! c-h-r to the i-s-t. Old school (old schoolhouse rocks?) rap seems so juvenile these days. Learn!
Shy Boyz get BLUE ALERT righteous in “Master of Christmas.” See, that Santa/Jesus confusion is for the fools. He’s coming home swinging low In his chariot, six-winged seraphim karaoke Holy! Holy! Holy! they rap ironically. Wild words in this one, fellas.
In 1963 The Osmond Brothers compared best ages to appreciate how “Christmas Means More Every Year.” It starts: When you are six and don’t know many things You don’t appreciate what Christmas brings. But this barbershop harmonizing doesn’t end ’til you’re thirteen. Bear with it.
“North of Heaven” is south of Hell warbles the vibrato of metal Gods Wisdom for their anti-carol. When I Was 6 Xmas Was Sixmas go the acid-washed hell-lyrics. Oh my.
From the parental POV Buck Owens gets old country bragging on his littlun’s Xmas wishlist, and i quote: Well, I’m-a gotta quit a-actin’ like a kid, I’m six years old and it’s time I did. Still, the lists asks for “One of Everything You Got.” You know, to make it easier on Santy.
Oh, When I was six years old All I wanted was Candy in the stocking, trills Johan Glidden in the precious pop of “Everything I Had.” See, he didn’t want much. Everything he wanted he already had. Like Jesus.
Also indoctrinated early is the young questioner in The Statler Brothers’ “Whose Birthday is Christmas?” It’s hard to understand in a big peoples’ land Especially if you’re six years old–is the cornball easy listening country rationale.
You want bourgeoise? Try Bette Midler barely making it though the ‘Home Alone 2’ love theme “Somewhere in My Memory.” Where in this memory? Memories of my childohood When I was 5, 6, and 7. On Christmas Day. A cry for help.
When does that Santa/Daddy betrayal hit? Is it so young?? Waiting for presents Christmas Eve, the main character in Kulina’s “Christmas Song” sees someone else stumble down to the Christmas tree. In his own words, his reward: I’m only six years old, I got nothing but coal. Somebody help this waif!
Perhaps the epiphany isn’t evil when you realize what Mama went through for ya. Now that I grew up, I’m the gift, ain’t that some–Every day it’s Christmas, when you’re Six, I’m too legit, raps 6LACk & Summer Walker in “Ghetto Christmas.” Heartfelt.
Julius Pe happy raps “Coming Home” to see the family. He’s so wiggly he claims, I feel like I am 6. Sweet! Too sweet! Stop with all the sweetness!
Your family?! Reality Student Ministry wants to invite you to “A Family Christmas.” Uncle Joe’s got 7 toes. Paul collects action figures. Mammy’s got hard sucking candy. Rap it!
el enigmA has a similar pitch wherein the family members are Different but together like a 7 layer salad. “Grateful” is a rap or reverence, however, while still smiling.
For others, the more the merrier: who’s at the door; I’m sure there’s room for 7 more; We’ll make some pallets on the floor… country drawl out Joey + Rory for “It’s Christmas Time.” Comfortable chaos under control.
Bitching on the bandwagon, Saucy Samurai Spice’s “Holly Jolly Saucy Samurai Christmas” bemoans the length of the season and all the folderol–but finally admits to a list: I just want a big fat tellie, Or can you give me seven crates of beer. The rocker ends on a happy note, so file in the nice cubby.
Cammi Rockey has the lowdown on “Rudolph’s True Glow.” A folk ballad (with rock guitar solo) that begins with a gallon jug of rye. Seven bloody Marys keep him going. If that’s true he’ll never liver it down.
Jocie Denae gets flirty with “Hey Santa.” She’s rapping naughtily to that seven figure man to get what she wants. Better check that list twice.
This Christmas I call Jesus out by Carving a seven claims Sharks Teeth in the odd chanted “Star of the Morning.” Go with it.
Jolly rap from Hrkbrkblake, “Holiday Spirit” jounces around with trade and digs [I ain’t Roddy this ain’t 7 but just say what’s in the box], but makes the time worthwhile.
Blues Traveler is feeling the blues ’bout the season, but with uplifting and reverential folk rock (like old Cat Stevens), My God in heaven now I feel like I’m seven! “Christmas” is a righteous journey, and you might end up somewhere you didn’t expect to be if you tag along.
Bethany Joy, also, wants to play in it all like a seven year old. But the cliches of easy listening haunt her “Snow.” Its jazzy undertones don’t save it.
Aware of cliches, Josh Worster wants the “Right Christmas,” even if the snow reaches seven feet deep. I just need you and I comes off more believable somehow, once the literary air has been cleared.
Dragonette is experiencing the time of the year: candy cane, snow is almost seven inches deep… but “Merry Xmas (Says Your Text Message)” on the 27th of December. Her reply is BLUE ALERT appropriate to your untimeliness. Swinging pop.
BVJ The Project doesn’t want much “For Christmas“–but a 40 inch wig and 7 inch heels are on there. Sassy rap.
Thiqq Miqq claims Santa is 3 feet tall, but wears 7 inch heels in the amateur rap(scream) “We Wish You a Merry Thiqqmass.” Skippable.
Not as dismissible, All Students can bad-rap, too. But for Christmas all they want is a toaster to drop in the bath, or a 7 foot tree to drop a noose from. Ever since Trudy left (and my car failed inspection) they’ve decided “New Year No Me.”
Eight was my favorite number as a kid or whenever someone would ask ‘What’s your favorite number?’ and i felt i had to come up with some kind of answer. Let’s explore its eight-ness to discover what that says about me.
Rap by committee from Jabez (feat. B. Wells, Magician G, Dek4y, Slikadaice, DaVan, Diizii & DefNOTBio), “8 G’s of Christmas” represents 12 G’s more than our featured number. This marathon places for perseverance, but the ‘message’ is all over the place. BLUE ALERT WTF
Much more fun is the rap “Christmas Bae” from Sora: Summer kiss under mistletoe–you are Christmas Bae, So cold you like ice, lemme do a figure eight. Young love can still blossom in the cold, in the beats.
Did you say figure 8? “The Dragon Sisters Holiday Special” from The Dragon Sisters raps out a flirty BLUE ALERT holiday come on: I gotta sexy ass body, I’m that figure 8 boss. Work it, dude.
Despite alcohol and weed, all that’s left for HeyMrNoOdLeS is “a sad christmas song” after you left and broke his heart. This BLUE ALERT alt pop is only music box sad, so no drastic hotline calls… yet. He does count up to 8.
We Like That use ‘Nutcracker’ to squeeze out the depressed “Home for Christmas.” This roller coaster of dysfunctional family fun spies out: My grandmother just gave my niece The ninth check of the day; And when my aunt found out She told her that she only gave her eight. But then the spier gets a bottle. Solid comedy.
Too much in his head, _patrickconnor applies his heavily orchestrated pop “Cynical Christmas Song” to itself. His meta-criticism goes like this: This song is the pinnacle of cynical devices That are present in the best Christmas tunes: Emotive chord-progression and a syncopated drone To get these feelings across to you, Eight-part harmonies, String-section bassline, descending… Excellent. No notes.
Hiding from Helicopters gets grrl kooky with “Bells.” This xylophone experimental pop takes poetry to the endtimes (Wait, are these the end times?) with lines like: Christmas is for hope And we left that in last year. Yet, we are encouraged to Light your pretty candles Light up 8 or 9, but only if you want. Hauntingly confusing.
8 reindeer? What if they get the flu? “Fly Possum Fly” is Grant Malory Smith (feat. EmiSunshine)’s bluegrass solution featuring critters (with 50 teeth in little mouths) who have eight, then six, then four, then two more hours to gitRdone. Wild stuff.
Kid stuff ready is VeggieTales with their famed “The 8 Polish Foods of Christmas.” This is polka ’12 Days’ with culinary edifying applied. Learn something. About meat.
Nathan Webb name checks a brand (Eating loads of cookies like they’re going out of fashion, Eating After Eights, yes please I’ll have the last one) while exploring the input/output math of “Christmas Farts.” This tootling Middle-Eastern rap rollicker makes a party game out of who dealt it.
Headscratching time from Blink! Their pop (rap) seems to be addressed to a number. “Christmas 22” is an adrenaline thumper of beat poetry and has nothing much to do with Christmas.
Casiotone for the Painfully Alone also pay lip service to the holidays in “Cold White Christmas,” a painful, electronic mess of a life without any meaning to any season. The countdown here is like waiting for death. Downer pop for the twenty-two year olds.
NYC on December 22, Lewis Watson has more misery in the light pop of “Christmas Eve Alone This Year.” Man, seasonal depression’s a bitch.
Oddly upbeat as well, B. Wells (feat. DaVan Official) force-raps to ‘Nutcracker’ about how cold 22 degrees is in “A Ghetto Christmas.” Cold = blazing up; so, no worries.
Not big on pop country, but gotta kudos the talent of Amanda Shires (bit of a Dolly warble that gets me). “Blame it on the Mistletoe” is a different song by a familiar name. More thoughtfulness, this time: So what it happened yesterday, December 25? We can call it what it is, What it was, the best merry Christmas, When you showed up.
Not a digger of rap, neither, but BLV Jeezy gets playful (and a bit BLUE ALERT) with “Woo Santa.” New Xmas phone: I’m sorry is this Santa on the line It’s the 25th december and you blessed me with this dime y’all. Santa hollas back, too.
Nesskaff (feat. Jonathan Panetta) garage the day with “I Just Want You for Christmas.” Not breaking new ground, but never underestimate the power of a killer backbeat.
Claiming you’re Crunchy like a biscuit, Cullan Baxter R+B raps “Candy Sweet Christmas” all ’bout you, honey. The double entendres fly like reindeer.
Sassy R+B (disco-ish) from Weihnachtsmusik, “Santa Tell Me” details a gal’s hankering for a a guy. Will he love for always? Should I wait a year? I don’t want a new broken heart.
Scotty Sires has got the rom-com grand gesture in “25 Christmas Trees.” It’s a bombast of a pop nugget, but it gets points for being a count of anything else but days.
Emily Weisband divas the larger-than-life pop number “The Holly Jolly Truth.” That truth?–you got 25 days to make a move right Baby you’re the holly jolly truth. Get some mistletoe, boi.
Ska love letter from Dr. Blackout, “Hey Merry Christmas,” gets one’s attention. Does it win her over? Dunno. ‘Sheartfelt… Let’s listen again.
“Christmas in Indiana” is not where you expect the urban opression to create fomenting rap, but: All around the state From the country to downtown From up north to way down south: Holidays won’t stop production Reluctant to stand complacent, This rap city like the basement, Bunch of 30’s on them Chevy’s, We ballin just like the Pacers–so rhymes Hoosier Boy.
Nasty BLUE ALERT rap from Sumo, “Santa” is all money and sex and guns (30 clip) and drugs and the usual Xmas excess.
“Merry Chrysler” is more playful rap from J (feat. Christian Sams). I guess a car arrives full of gifts including the rifle, a 30 aught 6. You’ll put your eye out!
Rapping to ska, Red was Here explains how to get to “Christmas in Devon“: Now we’ll take the A30 beat rush hour, straight up the 303 and onto Cobham (I like Cobham). Rocking punk is what it is.
“36 Presents” is a ballad from miniMATTHEW about life, family, loss, and anything else you read into this beat poetry set to minstrely folk pop. Pretty.
Tray GooD has a short origin story in “36 Days,” a rap announcement how he was born AFTER Christmas. Capable.
“Another Christmas Without My Niggas” is the BLUE ALERT nostalgia of Boogie Badazz. Lookin’ back isn’t sweet–nothing is. Miss my friend (Clutchin’ on the forty, got it hangin’ out the shirt, ain’t no hoes over here). Even “This Christmas” isn’t too good for ol’ Badazz: They just gave lil’ Bobby 40 ‘fore Christmas time (Damn, Bobby).
Even naughtier is the promiscuous new acquaintance Drago (feat. Freeah) makes in “Naughty List.” This bouncy rap (to the tune ‘Last Christmas’) veers from women to drugs (Got a 40 ounce of dro so we gon’ run it up) to the difference between composer and conductor.
LRN Nola (feat. Okill & LRN Fly) BLUEST LIST rapping responds to “I Hate Santa” with all sorts of other hatin’ [I’ll go get that .40 and pipe you down]–most of is misogynistic. Get it all out….
Ease up, ease up. “How The Grinch Stole Covid” by Reality Student Ministry re-raps the story with children in mind. Distancing at 6 feet apart? The Grinch laments, People won’t touch me Man, with a 40 foot pole!
Lamar Riddick gets up to family speed with the Christmastime cheer in his “Rudolph,” a rap of rapid word play [Iʼm a 4.4 40 yard Dasher]. Faster!
