Category Archives: rap

HATE Xmas.21

Mr. Big, the guy in charge, the head deliverer–not JC, but Santa Claus– deserves our disdain and blame for the whole holiday hopelessness. Hate Kris Kringle! Say it with me! Ho ho hope you die!

I suppose that sentiment might make you a villain. Certainly Stormella fills out that form with 1998’s ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie,’ an animated flop (budget 10million, take 100thousand) that allowed for the stagey tirade “I Hate Santa Claus.”

More fun (The Monkees + Sex Pistols) from Important-Looking Pirates with “I Hate Santa Claus.” It’s like superangry Scooby Doo chase music in this two-guitar garage.

And more screaming from Dave Pantaleone with “Santa Sucks,” a metal rant of moderate proportions.

On the other planet, Insane Clown Posse lisp out their hiphop bro chant “I Hate Santa Claus.” Radio play ready, with only a couple BLUE ALERT moments late on. What the format?

Much more BLUE ALERT Anybody Killa death raps “Kill Santa Man.” Angry bells, man.

And still BLUE ALERT Kevin Bloody Wilson revisits “Hey Santa Claus” for us. A kiddie classic of unashamed vitriol.

Logan Paul keeps it white with his rhymin’ bombs “Santa Diss Track.” Trying too hard is art too.

Sick of Christmas: diabetes

The pain of Type 2 increases with the sweetest of the holidays. Most diabetics can dodge Halloween candy, but Christmas is all about simple carbs, and added sucrose. Coma on now, people!

Some of the amateur songs are skippable, but The Diabetes Cowboy has a ‘Blue’ mockup “Type 2 Christmas” you might enjoy partially. Hope it’s not insulin you.

I’ve already honored “Santa Claus Gave me Diabetes” from Stuckey and Murray in my sweets phase, but this talky blues is worth another prick of the finger.

Chedda Cheese raps the pain to stay with “Diabetes for Christmas.” Fight the pancreas failure!

Don We Now: doff

With Christmas over, don’t we need to unclothe?

Well, there’s the “Strip Club Christmas Eve” by Drew Jacobs. But it’s comedy from tragedy, man. Folk rock lite drollery.

But then there’s Keno Project rock R+B-ing “Take Off Your Clothes.” Party on!

Goldie Lookin Chain pop raps a comic set with “I Don’t Want to Wear No Clothes on Christmas Day.” Lots of phrasing for exposed parts.

Don We Now: (sweaters) BLUE ALERT

Let’s get ugly.

Jeremy Turner uses psychedelic pop for his “Ugly Christmas Sweater.” The twisty weird music (with whoops) adds to the nausea.

Just plain bad singing accompanies a ‘Que Sera’ karaoke for Cameron J. Orr’s “My Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Deserved that one.

Pretty disappointing. “Christmas Sweaters Instead of an Xbox” from Lil Poverty Angels marries rap and techno to set the angry mood. Your move!

What use IS this thing? Bradly Allingham is gonna ‘get her’ with his “Ugly Christmas Sweater.” It might be the eggnog talking, but this tenor pop country is gonna land him in the drunk tank.

Sha Na Na is proud to say that their “Ugly Christmas Sweater” is their possession. Not their proud possession, just something they wear. Standard rock, limp sentiment.

BLUE ALERT. DashieXP gets to rappin’ “Chillin in My Christmas Sweater” but feels more like a meltdown, saved by the comfy warmth of that itchy shit.

BLUE ALERT. Big Slack do some odd sampling, mean rhyming, and cazzy dissin’ on the “Ugly Xmas Sweater Song.” This hiphop deejaying sounds like they don’t like it. Yet he would kill you for one more.

Take a Card: hip hop

Urban dissent rhymed out for the masses to feel the pain of discrimination has been abused once it hit profitable margins (circa 1994).

HighTyde reminds us how white people problems are quite different than black peoples’. “Christmas Card” follows the travails of a po’ hungry guy what slips on the ice. Will a sentiment found on the street save him? Will the karaoke ‘Carol of the Bells’ in dubstep?

Pop folk beats with a rock rhythm frame the essential rhyme-alism of PC Muñoz’s “Send Me a Card at Christmas.” It’s more Latin than Detroit, but it carries the banner.

Wool See gets it. “Christmas Card.” Casual crudeness,  ‘cuz why not? Pressure cooker anger w/a glimpse o’ an ending w/an actual promise o’ a glimmer o’ a possibility o’ hope.

As Seen on TV: Futurama/Robot Chicken BLUE ALERT

Most of Matt Groening’s scifi sendup has been played out here, like “Robot Santa Claus Song” and “Neptunian Elves’ Song.” Good stuff. “This Trinity’s Going to War” pits Robot Santa against Kwanza Bot and the Chanukah Zombie–except they’re not fighting one another, just Christmas. Meh. “Kwanza Bot Song” gets more editorially expository, like science fiction should. Pop Caribbean.

Seth Green’s cultural tantrums encompass childhood cartoons and pop, political, and religious icons in such a way to make all of them cartoony. And nasty, boy howdy they’s nasty.

For your consideration, a Justin Bieber “F*** Christmas” song for his own special.

“Santa Claus’s List” is an existential dilemma that may drive Big Red to eat an official Daisy Red Ryder Range Model 1938 Air Rifle BB Gun.

Just as offenisve, the “Hanukkah Gelt Rap” is not a play on the word guilt, but only more anti-semitism from that coy Jewish minx. See what he did there?

Presents of Mine: po’ verty BLUE ALERT

Feeling guilty yet? Let me help. Not everyone can afford Christmas. I don’t mean the fools who overspend, i mean po’ folks. What do they give/get?

DL Menard riles up a zydeco lilt with “No Christmas for the Poor.” It’s Cajun French so you won’t bum out.

Paul Kramer leans hard on that fiddle to describe his “Low Budget Christmas.” Making our own gifts, but how can bluegrass be sad?

Bad news for the family with a country downbeat. “The Gift I Can Return” is a new kind of gift from Dad to kids: moralizing, self righteous, better-than-thou love. GIVE IT!

Maudlin bluegrass from Rocky Zharp tells us about “Grandpa King’ S Last Gift.” A fitting legacy in a two dollar bill.

Michael J Thoma gets more trembly about the poor boy in church who sings “I Have No Gifts,” alluding to the Drummer Kid, natch, but resulting in a country kickstarter so the kid made dolladolla.

Weepy for can’t-pay-the-bills love, Randy Beard prays for “The Christmas Gift,” the gift of their child understanding he won’t get anything. The peripeteia is a three hankie alert!

Let’s turn that frown upside down into a profanity-laden spew! Your Favorite Martian raps out “Santa Hates Poor Kids!” BLUE ALERT Fight the N. Pole!

Presents of Mine: oh, i dunno, toys, or stuff

What do you ask for Christmas when your mind goes blank? Well, Ralphie?

Kid parang from Mýaand Josh proclaim the need for toys in “Christmas Gift.” Many possibiliteis get listed (but no socks!).

More vague is the execrable TV movie jingle with the toys singing “I Wanna be a Christmas Present.” Supposedly Kenny Rogers is in there somewhere.

A much better gift POV alt-pop song comes from Juju Garcia. “Christmas Gift” is a fun exploration of creativity just this side of improv.

Pinkie Pie (of My Little Pony) sadly figures actual presents don’t matter so much in a Ritalin Dixieland rousing version of “Pinkie’s Present.” Exhausting.

Flip it! Suzy Arnowitz suggests “Let’s Bring Presents to the Bad Kids” based on some kids book.  (Wow–toboggans, books, and planes!) Concertina pop!

While on the subject “What do Bad Girls Get?” asks Joan Osborne. Smokey electric blues.

Bilbo Kipler gothraps “Gift Rap” as praise for all the swag, bitch.

Presents of Mine: don’t blame the deliverer, blame these songs

The magic of sudden presents under an indoor tree excites many to write songs. And then they get recorded.

Okay, the only real stinker here is Alan Chong and the fundraising “Santa Claus Brings Presents to Town.” Chanty folk takes a dump on trad carols.

Kidsong tends to be a bit stupefying (when it’s effective) as with “Greatest Christmas Gifts,” a hoppy, happy ringing doggerel from Paul Morabito. Fun for the whole unable-to-stand family.

Smelling like Plank Road Publishing, that bastion of children’s assembly music, “Who Put the Presents Under the Tree?” is silly and shouting and (pretend) ignorant of Santa. But it’s cool swing.

Previously noted parody “Santa Got Gifts” takes a well done turn at ‘Baby Got Back.’ Duncan G with Brian provide us with holiday cheer every year–but for some reason, they’ve gone dark on the ‘tube. Somebody snitched. Poor us.

“Lots & Lots of Presents” from Ben & the Peanut Butter Problem deals with the problems of blame and white rap. Listen at your own payroll.

Presents of Mine: broke solutions

What to do when you’re unable to shop for Christmas?

Usually, the song is the poor man’s gift. Vincent Ortiz makes a valiant effort at this shtick in his “Broke Christmas.” It checks three items off his own wish list, so okay.

Phillip Hudson and DJ Southanbred elegantly dodge the unmoneyed moaning in “2 Broke 4 Christmas.” This hip hop may be mean and sexist, but only in the most ingenious way.