Category Archives: rap

ReduXmas: Wrap the Rainbow

Get your adult coloring books out! Purple Christmas and orange Christmas and grey Christmas–it’s all in song!

Kick off with a bang. Grammarchist gets political with “Mr. Red Christmas” a Communist take on the ‘Year Without’ groovy tune. Make allowances for the experimental nautre of it all and we’ll be fine.

Gary Wu’s “Red Sleigh” is a pretend metal tribute to urban carnage in Santa’s name. Oh, you.

Dr. BLT addresses crop failure with his “Orange Christmas.” We’ll allow it, because of the funkiness therein.

And then he comes back with “That was Before Our Christmas Turned Blue.” The blues. Duh.

Marvin Gaye soothes our blues with “Purple Snowflakes.” Yes, it’s better than John Legend doing it. (Too pretty.)

Back to Dr. BLT with the best in color. “Black Santa” is a spoken word-rapped ‘White’-backed racially tense situation, diffused with humor.

Riding Reindeer (BLUE ALERT)

The holiday intercourse may be announced as fact. Surrender to the male imperative.

Poetically, Greg & Brian mix metaphors in the inuendo laden “Yule Log.” It’s down and dirty, but with a medieval dancing beat.

FunnyMike freestyles his “Merry Christmas” about what he’s going to do to specific body parts on you. There’s a rhythm method.

Will Nunziata (feat. Amy Fitts) embodies the Disney princess (cable sitcom verzh) who must have the sex in “Jingle Jingle: A Dirty Christmas Song.” Santa raps countrapoint to her pop lollying.

Reggie Watts levels with all y’all that “Christmas is for Fucking.” Sensual R+B rap. Get it on.

Fatherless Urban Crypt Keepers (BLUE ALERT)

We’ve slapt the rap up one side of the wellspring of profanity and down the motherfunding other. There’s always room for more boxed in ghetto rage. ‘Specially for the holidayz.

Fortunato climbs the rhymes over bitches, riches, and absinthes with “Fuck Christmas.” It’s smarter than the average dawg.

The slow roll from Earl Sweatshirt, Tyler The Creator, Hodgy Beats harmonize the quiet crazy Xmas madness. “Fuck This Christmas” is not a song so much as a manifesto. Find me an exit!

Fabolous fronts the part, but as part of Funny or Die “I Don’t F*#k with Christmas” is a rappin’ carol of selfish childishness. I’m thinking funny hip hop, but… overall die.

Fond Upon Candied Kisses (BLUE ALERT)

So you love Christmas, i mean really love Christmas. So what’re you going to do, sing?

Hovey Benjamin of Funny or Die demonstrates with “I Fucking Love Christmas.” Rap comedy, of ‘the fireplace is lit’ variety. Mostly listing.

Kiwi Matt Mulholland goes beyond the pale with his white rapping “I Fucking Love Christmas.” Nasty boy, nasty boy, whatch goin’ tadoo–?

HATE Xmas.22 (BLUE ALERT)

Miso-santa-sts at times focus on the class schism Mr. Claus seems to bring to bear. Po’ folk get no present love from the North Pole. Do they mind?

Jack Douglass offers dozens of comedy snippets off his Youtube channel jacksfilms, including this idea: “Santa Hates the Poor.” Good things small packages.

Parang music reads the riot act to “Mr. Santa Claus” via RemBunction. He’s tired of socks and drawers. He may resort to grand theft bag.

Dumpster Baby (live club music alert) performs “Santa Claus Hates the Poor.” Metal madness, childish tantrum.

The generic offering from Christmas Comedy, “Poor Kids Hate Santa” shambles about like a drug-fueled Chipmunks amateur rap battle. They hate music too apparently.

Your Favorite Martian get more BLUE ALERT with more white hip hop “Santa Hates Poor Kids.” Nicely channeled rage, musically speaking. Yeah, seen this before. You’re welcome.

HATE Xmas.21

Mr. Big, the guy in charge, the head deliverer–not JC, but Santa Claus– deserves our disdain and blame for the whole holiday hopelessness. Hate Kris Kringle! Say it with me! Ho ho hope you die!

I suppose that sentiment might make you a villain. Certainly Stormella fills out that form with 1998’s ‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The Movie,’ an animated flop (budget 10million, take 100thousand) that allowed for the stagey tirade “I Hate Santa Claus.”

More fun (The Monkees + Sex Pistols) from Important-Looking Pirates with “I Hate Santa Claus.” It’s like superangry Scooby Doo chase music in this two-guitar garage.

And more screaming from Dave Pantaleone with “Santa Sucks,” a metal rant of moderate proportions.

On the other planet, Insane Clown Posse lisp out their hiphop bro chant “I Hate Santa Claus.” Radio play ready, with only a couple BLUE ALERT moments late on. What the format?

Much more BLUE ALERT Anybody Killa death raps “Kill Santa Man.” Angry bells, man.

And still BLUE ALERT Kevin Bloody Wilson revisits “Hey Santa Claus” for us. A kiddie classic of unashamed vitriol.

Logan Paul keeps it white with his rhymin’ bombs “Santa Diss Track.” Trying too hard is art too.

Sick of Christmas: diabetes

The pain of Type 2 increases with the sweetest of the holidays. Most diabetics can dodge Halloween candy, but Christmas is all about simple carbs, and added sucrose. Coma on now, people!

Some of the amateur songs are skippable, but The Diabetes Cowboy has a ‘Blue’ mockup “Type 2 Christmas” you might enjoy partially. Hope it’s not insulin you.

I’ve already honored “Santa Claus Gave me Diabetes” from Stuckey and Murray in my sweets phase, but this talky blues is worth another prick of the finger.

Chedda Cheese raps the pain to stay with “Diabetes for Christmas.” Fight the pancreas failure!

Don We Now: doff

With Christmas over, don’t we need to unclothe?

Well, there’s the “Strip Club Christmas Eve” by Drew Jacobs. But it’s comedy from tragedy, man. Folk rock lite drollery.

But then there’s Keno Project rock R+B-ing “Take Off Your Clothes.” Party on!

Goldie Lookin Chain pop raps a comic set with “I Don’t Want to Wear No Clothes on Christmas Day.” Lots of phrasing for exposed parts.

Don We Now: (sweaters) BLUE ALERT

Let’s get ugly.

Jeremy Turner uses psychedelic pop for his “Ugly Christmas Sweater.” The twisty weird music (with whoops) adds to the nausea.

Just plain bad singing accompanies a ‘Que Sera’ karaoke for Cameron J. Orr’s “My Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Deserved that one.

Pretty disappointing. “Christmas Sweaters Instead of an Xbox” from Lil Poverty Angels marries rap and techno to set the angry mood. Your move!

What use IS this thing? Bradly Allingham is gonna ‘get her’ with his “Ugly Christmas Sweater.” It might be the eggnog talking, but this tenor pop country is gonna land him in the drunk tank.

Sha Na Na is proud to say that their “Ugly Christmas Sweater” is their possession. Not their proud possession, just something they wear. Standard rock, limp sentiment.

BLUE ALERT. DashieXP gets to rappin’ “Chillin in My Christmas Sweater” but feels more like a meltdown, saved by the comfy warmth of that itchy shit.

BLUE ALERT. Big Slack do some odd sampling, mean rhyming, and cazzy dissin’ on the “Ugly Xmas Sweater Song.” This hiphop deejaying sounds like they don’t like it. Yet he would kill you for one more.