Let it snow for Xmas! Our less than zero drug of choice from the yuppie era is your basic blow. A bit spendier than some brands.
Stitches self destructs large withdraw fueled holiday pieces. “All I Wanted as a Kilo” is dirge paced hip hop complaining about all the problems that might go away with the administration of certain powders.
All those songs about alcoholic drinks remind us that Christmastime is about celebrating full out, red solo cups tipped to the ceiling, regrets solidifying while inhibitions melt. And i wouldn’t spend so much time on the subject if there weren’t so many songs about it. Originally i figured about to offer you a month of half drunk Christmas songs and half stoned Christmas songs, but we can’t stop composing ourselves in re alcoholism. So let’s indulge in a fun bit of slang to denote each entry (alphabetical, natch from about right to zozzled) but we’ll be climbing the stages of toasting to tipsy to totaled to a friend of Bill’s to hungover to rehab, while also slipping in some drunk daddies, Santies, Jesuses, and maybe Rudolph or someone else. Damn son, i need as shower already and i hain’t even started.
One of the easiest targets, songsmiths–i’m talking to you, is parodying ‘I’ll be Home for Christmas.’ And while Harold Swords fulfills the comedy needs of the few with “I’ll be Drunk for Christmas,” we can do better–like smurfswacker’s entry which splashes in a dash of class. Or Hilary who throws her diva range all over her take off (warning: karaoke soundtrack/no picture).
Face it, most of this stuff is going to be low brow hollering fun: Zach Smith plays BLUE ALERTadolescent humor to a pretty folk echo in “I’ll be Drunk This Christmas.” Funny.
But Curt Brash poses “I’ll be Drunk for Christmas” with jazzy scat and cool lackadaisicality. It’s barfly Tom Waits, or–you know–Tom Waits.
Then comes the garage gentleness from The Blood Moons, which turns their “I’ll be Drunk for Christmas” into a bar band anthem that sells this sad sentiment. It’s morose and hopeless but you can dance to it.
Scotch whiskey is just whiskey from Scotland. There’s more to it than that, but who cares?
Well, millions apparently.
Laphroaig has a clever commercial setting customer raves to traditional Christmas carol music. Almost right up my alley. There’s two of these.
Lord Kitchener doesn’t exactly savor the flavor of the thirty-year-old distillation when he wants you to “Bring de Scotch for Christmas.” It’s partying he wants to enjoy with his parang calypso conniptions.
Just as low fi (is it experimental rock when it’s indecipherable?) come I Don’t Know Margo with “Christmas Scotch.” This is oddball enough to hang on your tree and play for your couldn’t-think-what-to-say toast. Skoal.
Scary adults flouncing around singing about Christmas candy–probably full of drunkenness–should frighten a child. But it is candy from not so strange authoritarian figures… so let’s go for it.
Stephanie Sayers dreamily reflects on love (not for baby j) by comparing it to a “Candy Fisted Christmas.” Bittersweet, or at least heartbreakingly treacly.
Breatlessly Angela DiCarlo belts out a musical number “Christmas Candy” in a production of ‘Candy & Chaos: Chicken in the Snow.’ Find me a ticket post the hell haste. This is not for children, friends.
Okay, huh? Peoples gots too much free time on their hands… DJ Firth took the karaoke of Wham!s ‘Last Christmas’ and sandwiched 50 Cent’s ‘Candy Shop‘ into euphemistic naughtiness. I don’t know what to tell you.
Tech minimalism from Manel Diaz barely registers as an Xmas song. But, if you insist on listening, “Christmas Candy” will reward you with basal beats and wintery warnings.
Feature the barfing noises in The Hot Buttered Elves’ “Santa’s Candy.” It’s loud, discordant, and instructive. Not the funny kind of lesson, kids.
Christmas list making is all about childish desperation. Let’s find a party anthem and get immature with Simple Plan. ‘I want everything!’ is the first line of an impressive list, so check your inventory, Kringle. Here comes “My Christmas List.”
Before we had our regular Noah’s ark of a petting zoo, other creatures were there…
For examples: prehistoric thunder lizards. What’s Christmas without ’em?
If you’re not sure about the blessings of the Son on animals before He was born, may i introduce “Dino the Dinosaur’s Christmas Tree,” sung by Alan Reed as Fred Flintstone.
Bob Brown uses that ‘Hippopotamus’ formula of begging with a game plan for “Santa Bring Me a Dinosaur.” Perhaps i’m a little disappointed that the singer does not plan Calvin-style mayhem on other playmates with his gift-to-come.
Just as Brit but one-tenth as kid-friendly, The Lovely Eggs is an enchanting chanting garage rock band from Lancaster, UK. All you need to know about how little they suck is to listen to “Tyrannosaurus Rex for Christmas.” You may dig the dino-war chant at the end the very most.