Category Archives: garage

Merry Criminals! just say no

OR–

you can stay at home, surround yourself with loved ones, and NOT COMMIT CRIME.

Try it.

You could follow Santa’s example. The rule-followin’ good boy is documented by John Vosel in “Santa Knows,” a country ballad that might bore you. Or you could learn something.

Tarrus Riley represents the reggae of #crimefreechristmas with “Crime Free Christmas.” Put down your gun and play.

Dryer is not into Christmas, still garage/punk-advises “Don’t Steal or Kill This Christmas.” It’s like The Kinks but trying much harder.

Merry Criminals! shoplifting

What a perfect time of the year to perfect the five-fingered discount.

Tamale House Migas Plate rowdy down the garage with “Shoplifting for Christmas.” It’s for the kids.

For the rest of the family Rx2 homestudios the chiming and rhyming easy listening “Shoplifting for Christmas.” Ask for anything–the size of his pockets!

Done Lying Down uses ‘that greedy little palm of my hand’ for some “Christmas Shoplfiting,” funky alt-blues rock with an agenda.

New Bad Things explores experimental garage with “Shoplifting You Something for Christmas.” Some of those boxers, ‘kay?

And a Party in a Pear Tree: the Guest of Honor is Santa

Santa giving a party is one thing. What about that party for Mr. Claus?

Keith Whittal gets bucking country for “Santa’s Christmas Party,” all the while seeming slightly racist and fun.

The ACOUSTIX get even more country mean with “Santa’s Christmas Party.” Explicit reindeer games involve Grandma, but in a way that’s worse than death.

Lord Nelson add Caribbean big band to “A Party for Santa Claus.” Dance, everybody!

The kids may be best equipped for throwing the shindig. “Christmas Party Time” is a kids country rocker with all the fun that would entice and invite Santa. Roy Fulton knows.

Waiting for Santa is almost like a party. Robby Grant has a light garage swinger in “North Pole Christmas Party Band.” Puts me in a mood.

WAR! hate you (BLUE ALERT)

Wars are draw-out conflicts that grind up collateral damage like fruitcake. Is there ever a reasonable reason for a war?

Ramshackle Glory has a fun rant with their “War on Christmas.” It’s just a little too early, man. Alt poetry that’s quite against smiles.

Stiff Donut manifests their social warfare with “Class War on Christmas.” You think they hate, YOU hate with all your trees, and wreaths, and–American flags?! Garage party. BLUE ALERT

Dependent Claus: she’s gone too far

Mrs. Claus wouldn’t stray completely away–would she? I mean, not as the town trollop?

Vince Lundi gets sophomoric with his indictment of her sleazy easiness in “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Claus!” a rock tribute to the ho ho ho who sits on his north pole. It’s that way.

The folk approach from Matt Roach offers “The Mrs. Santa Sleeping Around Song.” The innuendos go up-you-end-os.

Garage folk (or just ‘unplugged’) recommends “Hold Your Head Up Santa Claus” ‘cuz yo’ wife a whore. Less attempt at humor, more attempt at music from JWJ.

Dependent Claus: some other guy’s first base

Mrs. Claus looks so lonely that one special night. Could just give her a kiss.

“A Kiss from Mrs. Claus” would be the best present. Alt from Hoggle’s Jewelry (Arbor Christmas: Vol. 1).

Lips’ll be locking with the jazzy pop stylings of Baggio with their “Mrs. Claus.” You got them singing. Your fault.

WSLY (feat. Hazen) has been a good boy and offers a sleigh ride for her–and let’s see where it takes us. A kiss? You don’t say! Breathy garage pop for “Hey Mrs. Claus.”

Dependent Claus: straying friends

Poor ol’ Mrs. Santa, she’s left all alone for a day no one should be lonely. Can’t she have, like, a friend to carry her through the isolation–?

Placeholder Confidential offers that “Mrs. Claus, Oh My!” could use a friend. Cute pop garage in lieu of flowers.

WHAT ELSE? Io Saturn Aura

Perhaps the roots of Christmastime extend to centuries beforehand with the Roman empire’s Saturnalia. This celebration seems to have undergone generations of changes with opposite-world day for masters and slaves, carnivale, and rituals to honor the Golden Age (when old Saturn was king of the gods). After Christ’s time, it resembled a full week of partying-feasting ending on 12/24 (Julian calendar).

A (sad) comedy bit WITH SONG comes from Space Barbarian Productions. “Saturnalia” is a bitchy biz pitch gone trippy with Saturn promo-bombing the meeting. The song is a couple minutes in and charmingly glee-showtune barmy. It’s only a minute and a half, but should serve as introduction.

David Warren Solomons has a catchy electronic chant-song in Latin. “Io! Saturnalia” includes English translation, but the attempt to recapture what might have been an antique tune is sideswiped by the US political references of 12 years ago sprinkled about. Is it to laugh?

Saturnalia has been appropriated by Goths and Deathheads as anti-Christmas. Sure it’s pagan, but they were nicer than the usual barbarism and exchanged (gag) gifts. Cauda Pavonis (Latin for peacock) has the only offering i’m willing to take time with. “Saturnalia” is prog rock rowdyism that hints at upbeat anarchy.

What we were hoping to stumble across is that “Saturnalia” carol that respects with disrespect. Moka Only has an experimental garage rap that qualifies.

WHAT ELSE? Sick in a Box

Boxing Day can be confusing, just another random day trying to find its significance.

Ian Evans reminds me of Zappa with his experimental guitar wanderings and portentous verbiage. Try “Boxing Day” and say the first thing that pops into your head.

Gonna give Olav Risan the benefit of the doubt, his punnage of “Boxing Day” sets twangy deep country music to the task of overlapping domestic abuse with the holidays. True meaning targeted, but it’s a slight miss.

Malaprop gives us garage madness with their “Boxing Day.” Pissy worry and headaches for all.

Putting up the Tree (BLUE ALERT)

Now that we’ve brought up the penis, what shall we sing about for the holidays?

Dr. Danny Roadkill is aroused to sing about his “Christmas Boner” in a soft ukulele folk sort of way. Amateurish marvel, but not very long.

Euphemism alert: Evulva has a stumpy alt bit (supposedly Christmas-ified here) labeled “Erect My Heart.” Not foolin’ anybody, boy. Especially with that last line–gasp!

How about the near miss? Lil Mikey warbles how “She Gave Me Blue Balls for Christmas.” Bluesy (natch) rock. Awww.

Nerf Herder garage rocks “I’ve got a Boner for Christmas.” No hurry to put that away, and seems to be enjoying expressing himself.