You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: over the limit-1

After leaving the truck stop, pat yourself down to make sure you didn’t leave anything–say like your sobriety.

Drunk Christmas will be covered later. Drunk driving for Christmas is an even more serious subject. So let’s sing about it.

Garage rocking band Boozer settles comfortably into “All I Got for Christmas was a DUI.” Bourgeois blubbering regret. What they got against Elvis?

Spoken word poet Shawn Mafia gets mad at Santa while busting a crime in his “All I Got for Xmas was a DUI.” Mad verbal skills, but what’s he sound like sloshed?

J.D. Rogers tells quite a “DUI for Christmas” story to the tune of Keen’s ‘Merry Christmas from the Family.’ With the continually puking and cop cam roadside testing i guess this is supposed to be some kind of joke. Kinda liked the song.

I am contractually obligated to mention Bob Rivers whenever i can. “Carol of the Bartenders” is a clever bit of PSA. Perhaps too flip.

Jakson Lee goes deadly serious with his little ditty for a school project. The first minute and a half are a fine folk number, then he includes a slide show for–i think–his little sister with a reminder how to get fun things for children. Wha-huh? “Christmas is Dead (Don’t Drive Drunk).”

You Auto Have a Merry Christmas: model-2

Patti Jo-Roth Edwards is one of those singer songwriters who can’t help herself. She writes, she sings, she records and posts.

I’m not saying she’s any good. She just gotta sing.

It’s a mistake, for example, to twist out a rocking tune like “Santa Drives a Candy Apple Red Cadillac” unplugged and dogged. Her mush mouthing the lyrics is fine, but her Judy Collins women’s folk coloring outside the lines belies the hella good time promised by the story. Hmmm. Cadillacs deserve something more urban.

Christmas Every day: February

2/2 is officially Mid-Winter with the groundhog prognosticating what’s left of the horrible killing frost. But not so always. Christmas originally was Mid-Winter, ’cause of political calendrical churchy battles. You could look it up.

“In the Bleak Midwinter” is a traditional hymn about Christmas and it’s sung by many, many, many who have the pipes to back it up. I’ll just mention a Hampshire set of twins, Ward Thomas, partly because my wife loves young girl harmony, partly because their video here is all agenda-ed up with vetserans’ charities. Pretty but deadly.

Other Winter/Christmas songs of note: “The Winter Song” by Eisley from the Maybe This Christmas Too album. A trudging, mournful, soulful searching song.

Isaac Hayes also blues it up with “Winter Snow” from several Xmas compilations (mine is Christmas in Soulsville). I feel compelled to point these titles out because it is not sounding like Christmas.

Thee Olde World loans us classic carols like “Drive the Cold Winter Away” here brought to life by The Trail Band. (Album: Making Spirits Bright.) Seems totes apropos here for Feb.

But, to stay novel and titular, let’s get our coffeehouse beat on with Lou Reed. His “Xmas in February” of course is about how the spirit has left us this late in the year. It’s spoken word blues about loss from the Vietnam War. But the title really works for me, so there.

Christmas Every Day: January

Christmas is meant to be a frame of mind, not a box in the calendar. Not that i can find a lot of ‘Christmas in April’ songs (okay, i did find one really cool one).

Let’s roll through the twelve months like it’s the twelve nights and find something to celebrate for each of my pin-up’s pages.

January is a bit of a burn-out for the Holidays. (I am NOT going to insert any ’12 Days of–‘ songs here because after a dozen days we’re into the first month of the year. And mostly because i hate nearly all novelty versions of that heinous hymn.) But there are a couple fun AFTER songs…

In fact Jim Sarthou sings about wanting “An After Christmas Song.” It’s sentimental enough, but not rally catchy enough to hum for the following weeks of taking down the decorations. This is an Aunt Irma song tribute. If you wanta get up and dance to it, click on The Skavengers‘ version. These Filipinos shake it up.

More into the spirit of the decreasing’ reasons, Lost Dogs sing the “Song for the Day After Christmas.” Its folky and snarky and yet religious, too. Feeling it.

Weary but still on the dance floor, KC and The Sunshine Band allow for “The After Christmas Song.” It has flavors of the Caribbean, and down home funk.

The Snowflakes Christmas Singles Club is another gimmick to get worthy unknowns into your field of vision. Each year they (UK) offer up a spendy limited pressing with A-side original Christmas music, and B-side reimagined Christmas song (which you may not have in your rotation). Cool, cool, cool. So try out this Nancy Wallace song about missing loved ones on 12/25 and having to spend the holiday with them LATER in “January.” It’s daintily folksy and loving and, despite close listening, does NOT seem Cristmassy.

Manger Management: Don we now our Key

Donkeys are there, in the manger, when it happened, that Christmas thing. So they get plenty of play.

Dominick the Christmas Donkey” is Italian, Santa’s friend, and a hit for Lou Monte way back when we thought all Italians were funny-talkers.

Ed Ames brings us back to the blessed moment with an echoey symphonic chant, reminding us in “The Ballad of the Christmas Donkey” that The Son gives us all a chance–lookswise anyway.

More donkeys at the birth of Christ! In “Nestor the Long Eared Christmas Donkey” Marty Robbins tells the same ugly duckling story with a bona nova backbeat. Howza, Lord!

Gracie Fields had perhaps the biggest merry mule music with her 1959 “Little Donkey.” This catchy tune sold as sheet music faster than hotcakes. This mono recording may cause loss of equilibrium, but the message will heal you.

But the ass is not the only odd-toed hoped mammal with a reason for the season. And i don’t really mean Ren & Stimpy’s “Yak Shaving Day” (shudder).  Nor even the crafty parodeus “Save a Horse, Ride a Reindeer” by the Whiskey Santas (really?).

No, no, no.I’m referring to that staple of 3rd grade winter singing festivals “Santa’s Using Zebras Now.” In order to understand a few lyrics we’ll zone in on Paisley Yankolovich’s unplugged version. He looks as if he might not be allowed within a hundred yards of a school.

Manger Management: previously… (2)

What are dinosaurs but hypothetical dragons?

Not that dragons inspire epic Christmas music…

Most of the youtubes with dragons + noels are DnD video game snippets assaulted with dull tunes. I will give John Mapes props with “I’m Spending Christmas in Skyrim.” A bit o’ dragon and a lot of Millennial holiday spirit.

The best dragon carol has to be Roger Whittaker folk silliness “Darcy the Dragon.” And apparently several families have posted about this ’80s bit of ephemera. I like what the Heywoods did–no money, no talent, all love.

Manger Management: Simpler (2)

Also Mollusca are slugs and snails (but not little boy parts).

Their inclusion in holiday humorous hymns is hit and miss.

Snaildartha is an experimental jazz album playing under the spoken word jazz of (The Story of Jerry the Christmas Snail). If that’s your thing, go with Thelonius. Or you could start with “A Snail is Born.” It’s different. Not exactly novelty Christmas music.

More outre are The Snails, post modern rockers from Baltimore with band mate names like Snailpril and Snailliam. Their “Snails Christmas (I Want a New Shell)” is just what you want to hear before you go clubbing.

Folk On is a comedy folk trio from Little Dribblepatch. Gloucester. Reminiscent of The Irish Rovers and The Kingston Trio, they know how to set a mood and tell a story. Listen to the saga of poor little “Ernie, the Christmas Slug” as he moves out of the regular rotation as ‘the Little Pet Slug’ and becomes the saviour of the working class.

Baby It’s Cold: 1955 leaning forward

Look out, ’55. ICBMs are designed with nuclear warheads. The first nuclear submarine is launched. The fist McDonalds opens in Illinois. Disneyland opens. James Dean dies young. The Viet Nam war starts (technically: just Vietnamese fighting each other). The first American corp. brings in over a billion dollars in one year (General Motors).

There’s no turning back, world.

Unless you’re Andy Williams. Williams has been around about a year at this point, a regular on The Steven Allen Show. “Christmas is a Feeling in Your Heart” reveals his youngish crooner corniness. Love, Hope, Peace, blah blah blah.

Mercury Records ran their stable of big band bourgeoisie into the ’50s as well. “My Christmas Carol” by musical director David Carroll with the Jack Halloren Singers was based on a Chopin etude. Yawnsville.

Trying to jazz the martini set up a notch, “It’s Christmas Time” by Bubber Johnson, who would go on to ALSO record ‘Ding Dang Doo’ and ‘Dedicated to the One I Love,’ doesn’t exactly shake, or rattle, or roll.

By this point The Mils Brothers are getting old. They’ve been on most everybody’s TV show and reminded grandparents that they’ve been ‘okey-doke’ for like 30 years now. Their “You Don’t Have to be a Santa Claus” and “I Believe in Santa Claus” are leaning back in the barcalounger cool.

Recycling last year’s “Christmas Alphabet” smarmy cool Brit Dickie Valentine sways his way out of the bandstand and into the kids’ clubhouse. Starting to get smooth here.

Exotic Cuban Andrews knock-offs, the DeCastro Sisters spiced up Dad’s record collection with just the hint of an accent. My wife is a fan of “Christmas is A-Comin'” which is hard to find by big deal recording artists. Flipside is “Snowbound for Christmas” which is pretty hot stuff for these Carmen Miranda proteges.

BLUE ALERT: the s word (3)

Stevie Simpson (OneBlokeOneMandolin.com) makes it personal with “I Wish You a Shit Christmas, Dave.”

Between draughts of holiday drink, this coordinator for the Charlotte chapter of the Nashville Songwriters Association International names names for who’s been letting him down this season. Nick and Clint and Dave don’t meet his standards. And he cusses them out… but it’s mandolin strumming; it’s not that mean.

Piss.Ess: he’s got a sequel with tons of production values from Gun City. I’m not sure the inclusion of children helps his humor or ramps up the creep factor, though.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vBv9cioYZo