Christmas Countdown: 80*

Insistent soul from Sunny lists the wants, including an 80″ screen TV. “Sunny Christmas” seems satisfying, at least materially.

Waka Flocka Flame machine-gun-raps “Grinch” about Gucci had stole 80 pounds–but it’s reefer, brah. Not cool. Now there’s no tree.

Christmas on Interstate 80” is a juke joint country story from 5 Chinese Brothers. It’s as sad and as hopeful as you’d imagine.

Bish bash bong woo! We’ll be loving Christmas Day Oh, when we’re 80–or so says the headache-inducing pop of Girls Aloud in “I Wanna Kiss You so (Christmas in a Nutshell).” All i want for Christmas is my two Excedrin.

There are roughly 80 Christmases in a lifetime, begins “Adult Christmas” by Moon Moon Moon. This reflective alt-pop emotional exploration is BLUE ALERT brutal so strap in.

Legit country folk from Sofia Tolvak might redeem the whole mess. “One Last Christmas Wish” comes from when you’re eighty years old and you can still remember the love of your life around the tree. ‘Scuse me a moment….

Christmas countdown: 100&

Can 100 measure the love of Christmas? Follow the ribbons–

LeAnn Rimes warbles out in her diva pop “It’s Christmas Eve” that for all the lucky ones Who leave no “I Love You” undone They’ll see a hundred trips around the sun And know all that their dreams become. Well, it’s a love song regardless.

Brief reprise from the steampunking Eternal Frontier’s “100 Years of Christmas (She Melts Me).” Rock me, o mechanics.

As one-hundred hearts the lanterns glow metaphorizes “Christmas Lights in Every Tree” by Karin Tenggren. This high soprano folk prayer leads us home, bc home IS love. Sigh along.

Christmas Countdown: 118

God’s Christmas” by Johnathan Boggarty and the Yoghurt Man is the alt-folk rock argument the 118 year-old Jesus has with his dad (mediated by the Holy Spirit) about going out to a party for Christmas. He tries to trick his Mom into letting him go, but God turns the other cheek and–

Christmas Countdown: 350

Touchline clues us in to “A South African Christmas” during the pandemic, in which a citizen might apply for a grant of 350 rand per month (around 20 bucks). He doesn’t mean to break our hearts, but wish us ‘Merry Christmas’; yet rap being what it is, even in occasional Zulu, downer.

Big Nic gets a “Ticket” for Christmas, from himself to himself. The plane goes 350 miles per hour! But, then in the Caribbean he’s looking for BLUE ALERT connections he won’t find at home. Casual sex rap.

Waylan St. Palan & The Magic Elves spell out the family feast (including Pre heat the oven to 350) in the catchy folk rock “(Doin’ the) Dishes for Christmas.” Check their list: double boiler, candy thermometer, slotted spoon, spatula… but guess what they wish for Christmas (so they won’t have to Do Those Dishes anymore)?! This one’s magic, kids.

Christmas Countdown: 1000+

Let’s slow the whole love thang down and work up to it poetic-like. Courtin’ style!

LeLe wants to hold you and sing a thousand songs to you, since he loves you so much in “Christmas Night with You,” a vaguely Eurocentric soft pop. Such a charmer!

Doggomuzik also. wants to sing “A Thousand Christmas Carols” to you as a sign of love. It’s a musician thing, i reckon. Pop garage.

Also into holding, but now with dancing, laughing, matching socks, and sharing stories told a thousand times–Kat McDowell (feat. Kaoru Miyazaki) bounces pop frothier with “Feel Like It’s Christmas.” This is a real connection; they get each other’s jokes!

A Thousand Lifetimes” by Nieve Malandra from the Karen Carpenter school of lounge paints a picture of a holiday worth a thousand lifetimes–just me and you. Sultry jazz.

Ashton Edminster lays the innocence on just right for me. No innuendo, no taking-for-granted, but shy liking under a “1,000 Christmas Lights.” Just talking, just getting to know you (better), just good friends. That’s how love begins. Gentle, unplugged girl alt-folk.

Christmas Countdown: 1861

‘A Mighty Wind’ was another of those Christopher Guest mockumentaries that squandered talented actors on loser characters. The folk singing duo Mitch and Mickey (Eugene Levy and Catherine O’Hara) include their Civil War Romeo and Juliet tale “The Ballad of Bobby and June.” Their stars are crossed by the draft, though the poor Reb makes it home for Xmas with a hole in his chest. Gratuitous holidayism, but we’ll allow it. [Included is a church-set cover by Brandon Boring with Kayla Cardenas–see, this is what i’m: the satire is so serious no one gets it.]