Some pop music seems so manufactured it’s as if a corporation strung cliches Mad Libs style over a tuneless beat. Easy listening. Middle of the road. Flavorless, but for some attempting.

David Meece is slinging the sounds of “Almost Christmas Time” as loudly as his vocal coach will let him. My ears are empty, though, and ringing.

Kidsong tends to pander in such an unwholesome way i believe only real squares can dig it. “I’m Almost Ready for Christmas” from Kidzone has such apple-cheeked gusto i’m tempted to adore it ironically. But, no.

Rob Hegel and Nataly Lola put the Bacharach in country music (not a good smashup) with “It’s Almost Christmas.” Is this about anything but mood?

Well, we need something good, so let’s put on some comedy. Sunfacer Productions fools around but gets to a folky rock over synthesized laffer “It’ll be Christmas Soon.” That’s how you sell mediocrity! (With an angry message sugar-coated with wispy woo-oohs.) Yea.

It’s leading, it’s guiding, it’s got a map unfolded and a ray pointing… Look! That star!!

Studio Musicians (!) set a military march beat for their caravan figuring what to do “With a Star That Bright.” It’s definitely guiding us, hup to.

Slim Whitman lends his charisma to “Star of the East.” It’s guiding us all, my children. Hope. Tranquility. Eternity. Go on, now. (Judy Garland‘s take on this is much less reassuring.) (Oakwood Waits make a stentorian antiquity out of this–yowza!)

Let’s anthropomorphize that Star of the Nativity a bit more.

Diamond Rio compares the beacon with a candle in the wind in “The Star Still Shines.” It beckons, wise men. If you lose your way, you get this hint o’ light. I mean today.

It shines, it dispels, it beckons, it guides all y’all. “Star of Wonder” from James Loynes is middle of the road easy listening for a grand recital showing. What a busy star.

So that star of Bethlehem… what’s it doing pre-xactly? Well, that depends on the carol. Sometimes it just shines.

“Shine Like a Star in the Morning” helps us identify (God knows I’m gonna…) with that blazing point of light. If not Nativity, at least folk power ballad. The Seeger Sisters antiquify it. John Reischmann and the Jaybirds prettify it. Elizabeth Mitchell simplifies it (digging that snare).

It only shines on Christmas Eve, ’cause it’s the “Christmas Eve Star.” So say The Boy From Space. If you believe. Odd alt.

More personalization from NoNameBand with “I am a Star.” The brassy offkey marching music makes me miss Ethel Merman. But the star just brightly shines. (And the song seems to cut off, is this just a teaser?!)

The ‘Jingle Bells’ juggernaut has bestowed upon us an industry of songs that aren’t the standard. And you can’t have an engaging story without some conflict. So let’s look at the broken bells a bit. Cry amongst yourselves.

“Ding-a-Ling the Christmas Bell” fell and broke his harmony, according to Lynn Anderson. 1971 was full of such ugly duckling lessons: don’t judge his horrid noise! He saves Santa!!

“The Bell that Couldn’t Jingle” was a 1962 number from Paul Evans, penned by Burt Bacharach. This time the handicapped kid gets a magic fix. And probably got an office job with people who invited him to their backyard bar-be-cues. Bobby Vinton tried this in 1964 with more talent (the same year The Baby Dolls swaddled it in bubble gum), Bobby Helms takes it down to country moroseness in ’65, then the Burt Bacharach Singers make a mess of it in 1968 (the same year Herb Alpert’s players enfolds it into cartoon fun)… hoo-boy let’s leave it at that.

Okay, okay ONE more. (It’s who i am.) The diva-like devotion to the over-orchestrated overly serious Catherine McKinnon version out-camps them all. Are you serious?! Just listen:

Sometimes you get no Xmas presents ‘cuz you get no food, clothing, or shelter.

Poverty is pretty sad, pretty harmonic, and pretty syncopated in “Christmas Came Just the Same,” a smarmy Whoville country ballad that makes ‘came’ several unnecessary syllables. James Leo Oliver delivers as per usual.

Homeless homilies pepper the slightly more musical “I Have No Gifts” from Michael J Thoma. This tootles off the country pathos into easy listening with some unstoppable oboe. Spoiler: this song is the gift.

Irony cuts both ways. While touting one idea beyond the pale, the humorist wishes to make the point that said idea is beyond okay. Yet, the sis and the boom and the bah waggle it in our face so tantalizingly. When you use sarcasm, first dig two graves.

Watkins & The Rapiers paint a pretty worst case scenario about when to wish what to whom with “Are You Man Enough (To Say Merry Christmas)?” The digs are torturous with the soft jazzy folk (Salvation Army influenced).

Horrible sopranos aren’t all tributes to Mike Douglas’s Mrs. Miller, but Dysfunctional Family featuring Metropolitan Melinda taking on the left with “Politically Correct Christmas” sure takes me back. This song gets made over for the Christian right here and there, but who’s getting poked after all?