Category Archives: eezee lisseneen

EX-Mas, do over

Oh, there’s a song or two about wanting my baby back for Christmas. Let’s touch on the treasure trove of time-travel wishes.

O.B. Buchana smooves the soul with “Santa Bring My Baby Back.” It’s almost hypnotic with insistency. Then there’s the deep bass Barry-White one-on-one with Santa at the end.

Girl rock from Glam Skanks also asks those who can to “Bring My Baby Back for Christmas.” More into the guitar solo than the romance, you ask me.

Country blues from Seckond Chaynce listing the wants/needs for Xmas. “Santa Just Brang Her Home” he drawls, just Jesus won’t.

Alexandra Lawerentz infuses pop into the country blues so all’s that’s left is pop. “Bring My Baby Back (for Christmas)” is just crying to the music. (The zombie reinterp video accompaniment is sufficiently odd enough to warrant a wink and a nod.)

Owen Adams goes easy listening with a soft pop “Christmas Wish” hoping she’ll come back. This is the cornpone you’ve been looking for.

ReduXmas: United We Christmas Tree Stand (BLUE ALERT)

My collection of Xmas (about USA) songs was a mishmash of odd references. Couldn’t tell if i was saluting or kneeling. (Aren’t those both reverential?)

Take Brian Kinder’s “Fruitcake” song that invokes the founding fathers. What in the name of children’s music is that?

The Hamilton parody on Rudolph was so good, Six13 returns with a Hanukkah Hamilton, entitled “A Hamilton Chanukah.” Tangentially American. Wait, The Maccabeats do this, too? Theirs is called “Hasmonean.”

Most of the down home corpone i shoveled out was about how much we miss our troops this time of year (Marc Sardou’s “Soldiers Christmas” and Dr. BLT’s “Daddy’s Gone off to War (On Christmas Day)“), or about how patriotic we can be (Carly Clo’s “Christmas Time in America“). Talented, but so oversentimental as to be boring.

Biting the hand, Johnny Setlist pushes 1st Amendment limits with a BLUE ALERT bit o’ the irony “Christmas in America (Every Single Day).” Folkabilly that hits that mandolin hard, mocking by protesting too much in honor of.

Just as funning, F. Lobot intones ‘The Night Before’ to the karaoke of ‘Star-Spangled’: Yes, it’s “The Star-Spangled Christmas Tree.” Stand up, godammit.

What i DID not pursue that first iteration was that political ping pong tournament of Dems v. Reps. You want that hairpulling, read whichever news appeals to you. But i have found an irreverent easy listening country piece about how both sides should get along for the holidays. It’s BLUE ALERT time, so take a tranq, get comfy, and listen patiently to Red State Update’s “Divided Nation Christmas.” (It’s like ten years old, so historical… and what’s the saying about tragedy + time = comedy…?)

ReduXmas: Calendrical Carols

Yeah, i bit off more than i could chew thinking i could find a Christmas song about each other month of the year. Only set aside half a month to do this three years ago.

Found some more.

The tough nut was March and April. Little did i know Benny Goodman had this covered with his smooth “Santa Claus Came in the Spring.” It’s a standard. How do i NOW know? ‘Cuz of the covers–Mark Shane’s Xmas All-Stars grind it up, Jeudi gypsies it up, Putney Dandridge fronting Johnny Mercer jazzes it up (like bands did in 1935).

Half the off-date songs about Christmas are in July. So here we go. Therapy Sisters swill down some steamy honky tonk with their “Christmas is July.” Highly recommended.

Piedmont Songbag leans into the jazzy heat with “Santa in July.” More than highly recommended.

The New Anxiety gets jittery with “Christmas in July in December” ‘cuz, you know, climate change. Damn. Why bother celebrating or loving one another? Pop folk. Slightly recommended.

K-Drama raps out his joyous reckoning “All Year Long.” No, it’s not an excuse to leave the decorations up!

Salsa bet-up pop from Midwest Merry Makers brings us “Christmas All Year Long.” More brotherhood for its own sake. Yea.

Makin’ Eggnog (BLUE ALERT)

Some of this foreplay for the holidays is tortured and awkward. I’ll just fall asleep waitin’ up for Santa.

5 Alive (a BOY BAND) fist pump the hint while making kissy face and moaning pop music for “Sex this Christmas.” Baby, if you believe it’s not the meat it’s the melody, then puddle up for these jailbaits.

Future Rama uses the riddim method to have “Christmas Sex.” Smooth yet syncopated talk. I’m guessing….

“It’s Christmas (Let’s Have Sex)” is the old big band lounge tribute just this side of Mel Tormé, and it’s on fire for you. Go, Duke Tomatoe, go.

Sick of Christmas: cancer

The king of maladies, the doomsday diagnosis, the terminal terminology this is the big C. Not Christmas (although the latter does get the capitalization). Two cs together and you have 2cc of uncomfortable song.

First off, Johnny Hobo and The Freight Trains punk up the idea “I Want Cancer for Christmas” BLUE ALERT by refusing joy and hope with a blazing middle finger to life. (I’ve posted this before, and there’s no actual mention of cancer in it… but meager pickings. And it’s catchy. And there’s a dozen covers by fans online.)

Balancing out the anger is the schmaltz of Carolyn of the Choir with “Pink Christmas,” a jazzy siren song sentimentalizing the survival of it all.

Okay, we went all that way so i could share Double Plus Good with you. This Something Awful contribution, “Cancer for Christmas,” stands alone in its MOR orchestration, country caterwauling, and ironic horribleness. It might ruin you. (‘Santa’s taking Grandpa to Heaven in his sleigh.’)

Sick of Christmas: premature ms

If you’re not preggers for Christmas, perhaps you’re moody, pre-menstrual. Peter Kevoian for Bob and Tom carols our way through “PMS for Christmas.” No, no, it’s not a sickness… just not tip top, you see. Healthwise. Hrm, i’ll just stop talking now. No, you’re fine.

Sick of Christmas: patients, please

Who else is sick this time of year? Ready of jerking of tears?

A fine Red-Sovine-style ‘Teddy Bear’ parody, “Sick Cripple Christmas Baby” by Red State Update, tells the story of a terminal child. Or is it?

Kyle Dunnigan trowels on the comedy/tragedy with “My Baby Lamb has Christmas Cancer.” This baby-voiced dirge runs the gamut of attempting humor. Certainly pings the odd meter at the top. (Yes, it’s about a pet lamb.)

Let’s revisit Red State Update for more absurd commentary on our mad world. According to them, Santa needs to be reassured that he can visit ALL on his list, even those suspected of highly contagious conditions. “Dracula Doesn’t have Ebola this Christmas” is pretty much what it claims to be, with saucy pop seriousness. Et in terra pox hominibus bonae voluntatis.

Sick of Christmas: hypochondria

The stresses of Christmasses may lower one’s ability to robustly fend off gramma kisses, fruitcake offers, and viruses.

Or we just want more attention than JC is getting.

So we might express our ill health a tad more emphatically than we experience it.

Red State Update present a poor sufferer unable to join in the tidings “Too Sick for Christmas.” Genius redneck traditional easy listening. [Why is he singing from inside a bowl of popcorn? Why not!]

Don We Now: –sweaters?!?

How Best to render the terribleness of the item? Listen (or run!):

Yakking to the smell of “That Ugly Sweater” The Spoons revel in revulsion with chimey syn-co-pa-ted pop music.

From the same radio station contest, Alan Frew and Sam Reid parody the 1986 Bryan Adams led Glass Tiger hit ‘Don’t Forget Me (When I’m Gone)’ with “Ugly Christmas (Sweater Song).” Poppy, peppy, mediocre.

Ugly and we know it! claim the “Ugly Christmas Sweaters” as related to Joke of All Trades. Lounge piano lite jazz presenting a shopping list of what clutters up your front.

Face Vocal Band just hates “The Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Country pop is cerainly the way to underline how bad this embarrassment is. (Doesn’t even match his eyes.)

Blues is more apropos. Ultra cool JD McPherson’s latest thing (His Holiday album Socks) wafts some Hawaiian guitar into a jazz fusion lament: “Ugly Sweater Blues.” Mama!

Let’s just say it: this is a punishment for naughty joes and jaes. Leonard Balistreri’s Mistletoe Conspiracy zips out a fine retro e-z listening rock “Ugly Sweater” with vim and vinegar too.

Take a Card: mor

Middle of the road music (for programming ‘beautiful music’ radio stations back in the ’70s) became a way to appeal to the corn belt without rocking the boat. This was less exciting than popular music, and less artistic than classical. It plain lacked talent so as to fill in the background and not arouse attention, and became known as ‘elevator music’ or the brand name Muzak.

Professional MOR-on Pat Boone (sadly past his prim prime here) embodies our message with “Christmas Cards.” Cliched, but mellow.

While not aged or old, Gregg Charmly resuscitates MOR with “My Christmas Card to You” song. It’s not about anything. Don’t listen except ironically.

Also beating the dead horse, Don Adams sends a melodramatic melancholic “Xmas Card form the Other Side.” It’s quavering blues, but without authenticity. Blahs-ville.

I count epic orchestration as show tune, and nothing fulfills my requirements more than Jerry Becker’s “The Man Who Writes the Cards,” with notes of Gilbert & Sullivan, Lerner and Lowe, maybe a touch of Irving Berlin. Wow.

“My Christmas Card to You” from faded Broadway chanteuse Marni Nixon tests the definition of ‘song.’ Uncontrolled warbling about what she’d write on your card is what will be playing in the waiting room of my hell. [This version comes with voice over instructions for the elderly.]