When asking nicely doesn’t cut it any longer, it’s time to get litigious. Civil cases may not be criminal, but they’re still illegal and stuff. I guess.

Dr. Elmo claims “Grandpa’s Gonna Sue the Pants off Santa” for that whole reindeer/grandma kerfuffle. I thought it was granslaughter, but then TV shyster’s got their mitts on the elderly. Cornball country.

The ultimate lawsuit, according to Bill Engvall, uses truck-driving country rock to explicate how “I’m Getting Sued by Santa” for a dog mauling. You’d think ol’ Nick’d have better things to do.

You don’t buy presents for just one person, do ya? So why would you kill just one person at Christmas? Let’s go full Herod and let God sort ’em out!

Angry Johnny and the Killbillies, once again, take us to mayhem-ville explaining why “Daddy Won’t be Coming Home for Christmas.” You know. But it’s rockabilly, so listen anyway. They attempt parody with “Slaughter in a Winter Wonderland” for those who like that sort of thing. BLUE ALERT

Leaning into the pscychosis Santa’s Angry Elves starts out with arson then moves up to “Murder by Christmas Tree.” Those carolers deserved a metal demise.

Captain Bob Frapples didn’t mean to kill… twice. But in the rock pop “Merry Christmas Murder” he’s willing to replace his wife by dressing as her. Anyway the yellow latex Santa hat goes or i go.

Least Christmassy, most murder-y “The Murder of the Lawson Family” (sometimes known as “The Story of the Lawson Family”) wails out the Daddy Lawson murder-suicide of the seven-member clan (a teen-age son out on an errand reportedly missed the whole thing) on Christmas Day 1929 North Carolina. Sharon Needles does this honestly but with old-timey filters and sfx which cheapens it just a smidge. Elephant Micah does this hauntingly with tom-tom and saw. Doc Watson adds a lilting pep to it–traditional yes, but eww. I do like Dave Alvin whose pacing and range adds gravitas. The Stanley Brothers are most reverential with this first of the tellings.

Blah blah blah social networking blah blah big four tech blah blahdiddy blah blah Zuckerberg. You know.

First: even though this isn’t the only social media outlet to sing about, let’s dump a ’12 Days’ parody all over it. The Socialist Series is a webisode biz poking at all things social media, and their “12 Days of Social Media” is actually a bit of fun. There, stop holding your breath.

Randy Franklin gets funky country with his homespun “Facebook Friend for Christmas.” Remember when the number of friends was a sign of personal wealth? Goofy times.

When assigning blame for all the world’s ills, especially when it involves the color of someone else, it helps to pick something seemingly innocuous so that you can hold forth lecturing at length about the involved, intertwining conspiracy which has heretofore gone unheeded.

The problem the angry Christians have today is not lion baiting, or Auto-da-fé, or even ageism–it’s how they’re not appreciated enough. When the accusation of racist can be considered a hate crime, these guys have A LOT to say, cross-plaining to all that would lend an ear.

Mountain Jerry Boy lets loose with “Merry Christmas (Not Happy Holidays)” for your enlightenment. It’s twinkly country with a passive aggressive bent. So get over it.

A bit more Hawaiian, Chris Scott warbles about ‘all that was given’ in “Doesn’t Anybody Say Merry Christmas Anymore?” It’s all family values and Hallmark greetings. Almost no whiffs of resentment… just asking.

Hoorah! We’re lonely! All of us together!

The Memphis Ukulele Band wishes “Merry Christmas Broken Hearts,” ‘cuz folk uke noodling is an indicator Santa will bring you new love. Awful pretty.

Dr. Elmo goes almost legit with “Here’s to the Lonely,” a country anthem to lift the spirits. Or get you to lift the spirits to your mouth.

It’s not just me, it’s the whole household you’ve abandoned! On Christmas! Only Virgin Mary would do that! (Well her parents, but you see whaddeye mean…).

The Growlers extend loneliness to the whole household with “Lonely This Christmas,” a swingin’ Elvis-stylin’ (karate chop!) bluesy rock crowd pleaser. Alan Williams fronts the Rubettes with this as well. Perhaps a dollop more pathos. K.T. Tunstall also warbles through this. More quietly = more endearingly.

The kids! What bout the li’l ones?! George Jones AND Tammy Wynette separately belabor the ordeal with “Lonely Christmas Call,” corning the pone slowly. So, who left whom? Let’s clear the Ol’ Opry stage, however, for offspring Georgette Jones and her lugubrious own offering.

POV switcheroo: what about the upside? The triumph of the dumper? The hidden joke of passive-relief? The whispered finally!

Savannah Smith unearths a tub of troubadour talent with her “Ex-Mas,” a bouncy folk bit about how she done ya, so there.

Cowardly country, “Break Up Before Christmas” addresses the creative economic advantages of not having to buy her a present if not together. Corey Hunt Band swaps commitment for drinking beer alone. It’s a helluva party… until three days later.

The easy present for Christmas is clothing.

Sometimes that’s a good thing. Not that often, though.

I mean if it was a flying suit–! Teresa Brewer intros “The Flying Suit Song” as a Christmas wish. Not a practical gift, so don’t ask me for that.

Carmen is asking: “Give Me Pajamas for Christmas.” Her folk recital is awful persuading with all the comfy and cosy.

Trey Stone couldn’t be happier! All he wants is a “3 Pack of Underwear.” With his group The Ringers he country lauds the perfect present. So happy….

Fate dealt you an Xmas cardigan… and it is ugh-lee.

Sam Wineman rocks his “Christmas Sweater“… he says. But his lugubrious folk rock seems to say something else (echh).

Surrendering to the crushing traditions, Party at the Moontower polka rocks out “I Need an Ugly Sweater.” Party requirements, folks!

That “Ugly Christmas Sweater Party” is their reason for Phil and The Osophers to gather. It defies pop folk music rhyme!

Generation Empowered has an “Ugly Christmas Sweater” dance for you, while peddling their by-the-numbers pop electronica and hating what gramma made by hand. Ingrates.

I guess it’s the contrast, babe. Patrick Thomas gets country clever by praising her beauty in her “Ugly Christmas Sweater.” Her blinking lights are up here.

Actual country music is much like folk music, hard living, hard loving, hard hardness. But more violins.

The Corn Fed Girls focus on that detail (those “Christmas Cards”) posted on your wall, which stands for something sad (and angry), so shove off. (But with a sweet mandolin sendoff.) And that’s country.