Once we get to the actual presents for Christmas, we must bear in mind, some of the worst, schmaltzy, banal, time-wasting tripe in Christmas song is the I-WANT-YOU cliche. If that’s all you want for Christmas i hope you didn’t meet her last summer and wasted all Fall pining. And i hope you don’t think some magical Santa sack is gonna enslave her to your will, you pathetic wanna-be rapist. If, on the other scummy hand, you NEED-NO-OTHER-PRESENTS then you should take another look at the whole Western Civ notion of the holiday, ‘cuz either yo’ broke or unimaginative. When you’re more romantic than materialistic, why even observe the Big C? Don’t even cheapen the Hallmark moment with that word ‘presents.’

But…

Some pretty cool songs do metaphorize the gift for the giver. I submit to the saccharine for a week.

J B Summers grooves you back to the ’40s with “I Want a Present for Christmas.” Wailing pre-rock ‘n’ roll jazz band wanting on that present, ‘cuz he’s tired a’ bein’ alone. Tiny Grimes‘s verzh is more approachable, less raw.

Do wop that “Christmas Present” with Raymond Peace. You’ll be glad you did. It’s a song that money can buy.

Swing with Jon Aley and “The Best Darn Present in the Whole Wide World.” I’m glad i did. It’s a song i posted.

Swing dance is what you do when you hear hot jazz and can’t help yourself. Symptoms include the Lindy Hop and the Charleston.

Louis Prima infects ya with “What Will Santa Claus Say (When He Finds Everybody Swingin’)” from the Depression era. It’s bit measured and careful and, let’s just say it, white. That’s so you paying folks won’t hurt yourselves first time out.

Swing has evolved to become boogie woogie, jitterbug, and rock. But jazz and blues N’awlins-up “Santa Swing Me a Christmas Tune” by Banu Gibson and The New Orleans Hot Jazz. Just a dash too much Dixieland, dawlin.

Leaning more heavily into the jazz, Duchess Di and Dave Keyes make “Swing into Christmas” sultry and slow-dancing, and gee–not so swing. But saxy!

Also, not quite there–but not to be missed–the Mother Ukers ukulele band wit up “Santa’s Xmas Ukulele Swing” giving us a soundtrack to clap to if not sashay. (Sorry for the fragmentary sample… just had to hear it.)

Some cool chick Sylvia Aimerito decided she could sing as cool as any other jazz chanteuse, so we got “Swingin’ Santa.” Not complaining, but with a little money this could be a cool cool song.

Scatting out “Swing into Christmas” some music by committee group (Smashtrax Music LLC) has latched onto the messiness of jazz with brass, electric guitar, and velvety vocals. It’s tunes for the business class, but i am susceptible to its charms.

Jolly joyful music has now become codified as novelty nuttiness. Ho ho ho.

In terms of stright comedy, this year Tom Lehrer recorded his “Christmas Carol” both live and in studio. Once more, a reminder, how much the 1950s shaped novelty Christmas music.

Unintended comedy sounds like “Wistful Willie” by Jimmy Rogers. This was a clear miss despite the jazz drums and upbeat story. The guy just couldn’t learn from Jimmy Dean’s Sandy Sleighfoot.

We find another over-orchestrated promo 45 from Line Materials (this time w/word-jazz narrator, Ken Nordine): “The Kinds of Christmas.” Do kids today get such manipulative messages for free?

Unfortunate comedy results from Russ Regan triying some more of the Chipmunks’ schtick with “Dancer, Prancer and Nervous” The Happy Reindeer Song. Wow, that’s bad.

By 1959 The Three Stooges have dwindled to Joe DeRita trying to look like ‘Curly’ Howard. But kids’ shows are big bucks. So it’s a wise guy renaissance. Their shorts are making the rounds, full-length movies and cartoons are just around the corner. Hence, novelty tracks like “Wreck the Halls.”

Despite the hit-and-miss laughs, i’ve got to highlight a country-swing-rock mix from reliable Johnny Horton. It ain’t what i’d call funny. But “They Shined Up Rudolph’s Nose” is fun for kids, twisting teens, alcoholic dads… durnitall, it’s jolly and joyful for one and all. That’s music!