Meet Me Under the Bristles, Go

Who else wears hair on the bottom of their face around the holidays?

Phineas and Ferb‘s very own Baljeet and Buford (Maulik Pancholy and Bobby Gaylor) rewrite “Good King Wenceslas” to include biographical details, like how he was unshaven. It also includes threatening gift suggestions.

Kunt and The Gang BLUE ALERT salute god-as-man with the pop dance number “Jesus (Baby with a Beard).”

Michael Warner succumbs to cheesy country western to identify God, “Old Grey Beard,” as the reason for the season. I wonder how old he’ll have to get to get a great white beard, like Santa’s.

Goatee Tell It on the Mountain

Santa’s Beard is Stuck in the Chimney” IS a line in the Birthing Stirrups garage screamer. Santa’s still attached, too. But it all winds up all right.

BOOSB is the band’s name, as well as the name of their song: “Beating Off On Santa’s Beard (Beavue Cleavue cover).” This punk garage seems to think revenge is best served close. I wouldn’t….

Weird with a beard? Try The Lumberyard country caterwauling about “The One’s Who Dwell in Santa’s Beard.” As metaphors go, it went.

Gunna Celebrate.224 Valkyrie

Garrett Forge needs cheering up around this time of year, in fact a “Cup of Cheer“–or twenty. But he watches all the right shows (Ralphie gets his B.B. gun), or he has to–the kids insist. He’d rather watch the bowl games. Perhaps another cup… poor sloshily spoken pop singer.

Eddie Money goes middle of the road with the ‘rocking’ “Everybody Loves Christmas.” My daughter Chealsea wants a doll that talks; Little Johnny wants a BB Gun. Wake up, Eddie… you don’t have a son Johnny. (Oh, he’s dead? never mind.)

Joe Diffie’s somewhat-country “Mr. Christmas” also delivers A Barbie doll and a little toy gun. Not to much acclaim, it would seem. Somnolent pop.

Guns are called to silence by prayer by John Denver in “Christmas Like a Lullaby.” Easy Listening country to put you to sleep.

Gunna Celebrate.204 Ruger

I may have made it clear, Jean Shepherd is a good writer… ‘A Christmas Story’ is an unfunny, bland movie. Regardless, ’tis the season.

Cruel Buddhist simply mixes samples of the dialogue into lofi for the unimpressive “Red Rider BB Gun.” You’ll do WHAT with the rifle?!

Colburn Sound Express does a nicely hyperactive big band sound for their interpretation “Red Ryder.” Speak softly and open carry an air gun.

Radiant Radish gets more rock and roll with “I Don’t Want Your Tinker Toys.” Guess what he wants instead.

Daryl Girard goes down on the farm with his country take on the real wishing. “Catalog Dreams” recalls a time long past of shopping for Christmas through the mail, not mall. Despite the likelihood of hundreds of choices, we only hear about dolls and BB guns. Should cover it.

Gunna Celebrate.19 Calhoun Hornet

A song to the “Christmas Gun” by Michael Gross, Bryan Szymanski, and Matt Glass features ratatat rock and fatalism.

Valley of Love ups the Tarantino quotient with a slow-mo guitar introspection, “My Boy Got His Gun.” Christmas is the backdrop for this pending doom.

Angry Johnny & The Killbillies have graced our posts liberally–‘cuz they’re awesome–but we haven’t taken a moment for “Shootin’ Snowmen.” This soft country song about a rural tradition you might want to avoid addresses a strange xenophobia and the redneck response.

Damn That Holiday: Hell.6 BLUE ALERT

Rapping with enunciation danopposite lays out his case for why this is “Christmas in Hell.” Sore feet? Bad gifts? That all you suffer from? Come on.

Snarky Off-Broadway tunes from the musical ‘Christmas in Hell’ include “Every Day is Christmas in Hell.” Ensemble BLUE ALERT about a kid in the wrong place at the right time.

Awesome Death take a more industrial pop/rock approach to their “Every Day is Christmas in Hell.” The more metal it gets the more philosophical it gets. Again BLUE ALERT.

Captain Chemical countrified his pop when he explains that when you’re in Hell it’s “Christmas in Hell.” The torment seems festive the way he sings it. BLUE ALERT

Damn That Holiday: devil.8

Fooling around Melodicka Bros have taken Slipknot’s nasty “The Devil in I” and cast it into Xmas music. Awful pretty. Maybe for your church choir–?

Luna Morning Star have made their “Even the Devil Likes Christmas” an electronic experiment… of your patience!

Who’s the devil? You are! You’re the devil!! “Slick Nick, You Devil You” is Fishbone’s gospelly pop to point out Santa’s failings. Guess he‘s not on anyone’s list.

Jim Barnett places Scratch at the Nativity with crazy honkytonk in “‘Ol Devil Raids Christmas.” They debate JC’s potential influence through Christmas (He’s a baby, natch) and The Devil begins to slip… STAY TUNED

X files-mas: Witches

Supposedly inspired by Witch Week (a week after Christmas in Italy) Bev Gant amateurly strums out “The Christmas Witch.” She’s nice.

Make Like Monkeys seal that deal with their “La Befana (The Christmas Witch).” Swinging pop will make you like her more.

Dark Holiday Music warns us of the persecuted burnt practicers of darker arts with a sly “Carol of the Witch.” Reparations, anyone?

Infinity Christmas” by Douglas Gwilym is experimental pop about happiness. How much happiness? Enough to melt the witch with water! If you see….

Holiday Roger heard that witches’ cauldrons was “Where Elves Come From.” Sprightly pop that takes a turn.

Sean Madigan suspects Santa has magic ‘cuz “Mrs. Claus is a Witch.” Wild words propped up with pop that veers into rockabilly just right.

Awesome country rock from Count D. that MIGHT remind you of The Man in Black, “The Christmas Witch” is nothing more than a pranking nuisance. But, ’tis also an awesome novelty song.

Yuletide: Cruise Enthuse

A commercial for the service, “I Want to Book a Brand New Cruise for Christmas” parodies ‘Hippopotamus.’ The Cruise World shines up this vacay mainstay with energy, but not much imagination.

Shouting the title over and over, Christmas! advises “Christmas Cruise” at least for the sexual freedom.

Laughing at YOU, Kent Goodson and Michael Panasuk calypso-ize and rhapsodize in “Cruisin’ for Christmas.” They list what they’ll do for fun that you won’t.

Wayne Pascall A Cappella has more specific destinations in mind with their calypso (lotsa beatboxing) “Christmas Caribbean Cruise.” Translators are standing by.

Tangentially, Judy Blank would rather have a “California Christmas” than a messy ol’ wintry one (y’know, the ‘Dreaming of’ kind). I’d rather learn to surf and sail a cruise she pop croons with no little talent.

More destination-oriented, Aubrey Wollett’s “Sandy Christmas” uses funky country to paint an idyllic pic: You can be on a boat, or lay on a pool float, Sipping on chocolate martinis with candy canes. Sounds relaxing.

A Slippery Slope.30

Wait, i’ve got more snowmobile songs!

Jimmy Jenson (with thick Scandi-accent) warbles over the accordion with “My Viking Snowmobiling.” That’s one tricked-out pony.

The Marty Gold Children’s Chorus treat us to “Roaring Sam The Snowmobile,” a kidsong of choral roaring.

A cute but clumsy parody of Jimmy Dean’s ‘Big John,’ “The John Deere Snowmobile Song” seems to be an extended ad musical theme. Worth it.

Another seeming ad is the equally unattributed “Ski-Do Song.” Brief country pop, with an instrumental chaser.

Stompin’ Tom Collins gets down with the popular country of the ’70s in his “Snowmobile Song.” Cool as carnivals, cats.