As a cheeky break in the wind of drug-oriented Xmas carols, here’s a 1966 novelty from ‘Little’ Georgie Holiday NOT about sniffing glue. In order to trap Santa in the house, we’re getting out the paste pots, and we’re going to “Have a Gluey Christmas.” Tee hee hee. I fooled ya. (No, there aren’t any songs about huffing or sniffing for yule that I’ve taken note of.) (But Peggy King with the Mitch Miller Band also plotted “I’m Gonna Put Some Glue Around the Christmas Tree [So Santa Claus will Stick Around All Year].”Actually–that’s pretty creepy.)
Kids eat Christmas dinner at the small table, but they get a couple songs to go with it.
Neurotic Films Oficial has posted a marvy pop song about “The Christmas Dinner for Kids” (without crediting the young wailers) which invites kids to party in their mouths with edible presents.
Disney has a princess album for Christmas with original songs, so let’s try to guess which dwarf is singing which line for Snow White’s “Christmas Eve Dinner.” It’s a course stopper!
Turkey is the traditional Christmas meal for the English. Songs celebrate the healthy carnivorous choice, and also cry the warnings for the fowl.
Sometimes we just say “Big Dead Bird” for dinner without mentioning the type. Be suspicious of this melodious easy-listening comedy (with accordion) from Lou and Peter Berryman. It may not be the bird you’re thinking of. The whole meal stinks, in point of fact.
Riddim fun from Echo recommending “Run, Turkey, Run” away from Christmas men with their cleavers. Turkey trot might be the appropriate step.
Of course ‘turkey’ means more than bird. Jenny T posts the “Xmas Turkey Song” reminding us losers we are what we eat.
Turkeys at time get revenge on us as with Learn English Kids’ “Turkey Trouble Song.” It’s a bit plodding (teaching reading), but wicked fun for the childrens.
Antsy McClain and the Trailer Park Troubadours make a bit more merry with “Frank the Christmas Turkey,” a pop-alt folk stew of charming, chanting fun. Deadly though.
There will be a time to be named in the days to come when we will visit nations thither and yon and know their Christmas songs.
This is not that time.
But, to honestly discuss foods for yule fuel, mention and attention must be paid to the descendants of Romulus and Remus. No “Italian Christmas Time” can be sung without scraps of food fitting into the chorus. Mike KC authenticates, with a little help from ‘finicula finiculi.’
Granting equal time, the ‘Irish’ applied to “Christmas Time Spaghetti” from Max DeGroot (featuring his imaginary helium voiced bear friend, Tipper) admits to the coopting of international foods, rather than some bizarre post-colonial power struggle. I mean, it IS a kids’ song. And a darling li’l parody of ‘Kilarney.’
We were talking about fries the other day and i shoulda mentioned tuberous growths as a fine winter-time repast, ‘cuz they keep in the root cellar so long.
Nickelodeon’s Game Shakers cable show has a song about the “Reggae Potato Christmas.” It furthers the plot about 12-year-old video game millionaires and their shaky alliance with litigious rappers… or it just sets the black guy on fire. Something like that.
Slightly more authentic is the blues number “Cold Potatoes,” celebrating the best Half Deaf Clatch’s mam could do for the poverty-laden holidays.
Parry Gripp has figured out the formula for the classic novelty Christmas song: one parts odd, two parts odd. “Roy the Christmas Potato” helps Santa (spoiler alert) without being eaten. Bouncy childish fun.
A little more breakfast for Christmas:
John Joyce is a self starter kid-rocker stylized as Poochamungas. His children’s music is simple guitar banging, but his songs are young-alt-rock. Try on “Santa’s Eating Pancakes.”
Man waiting for Xmas cannot live on sweets alone. Songs about the other food groups have peppered the media for years. So lets follow the bountiful ball through these comestible carols:
Rosie O’Donnell had her fifteen minutes of talkshow host fame before she became a professional ‘pig.’ She even dropped an album of holiday duets with her willing guests. Here she salivates with Gloria Estefan (and admits to pigging out) with “I’m Gonna Eat for Christmas.” Psst–It’s okay to make fun of your own weight to the world in a pop song, it’s (theoretically) humorous!
[ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU PARODY ALERT! Doug the Pug internet sensation leads the lackluster shopping spree to “All I Want for Christmas is Food.”]
More silly parody from Pete LaMaster singing dad jokes to ‘Beginning to Look’ (with ample Star Wars references) a la “Holiday Eating.” He’s polite and discrete, so okay.
Be careful with your holiday diet: what sounds like more Plank Road Publishing bemoans “Don’t Eat a Poinsettia” for Christmas. Holiday romper rooms everywhere sing this one (we would hope WITHOUT a Mexican accent on the chorus).
Not everyone eats American for the holidays. Trinidad riddim mon Jahzy lets it all hang out with “Eat Muh Belly Full” without specifying too much exotic sauce (there’s wafer). Get up now!
Sunny Cowgirls recount an Australian smorgasbord (edible and in-) with their own wacky child-style pop song “Ate Too Much at Christmas.” Don’t spew!
The Fairy Tale Pops is the 21st century version of sweatshop kids’ music. They crank out albums into dollar bins based on fairy tales Disney made movies out of but don’t own the Grimms’ copyrights to.
I don’t mean to malign their talent, verve, or business acumen (although their fan site has “0 fans” as of this writing). I think this flashy, percussive, bubblegum is just as good for children as Mozart in the womb. It has a formative place in human development.
I say all this because they have a complete album devoted to a particular Christmas cookie: The Gingerbread Man’s Christmas.
Featured tunes include the swinging pop “Gingerbread Man, Gingerbread Man” set to ‘Silent Night,’ a sassy ersatz-rock “The Chase,” and sweet harmony country style “Sweet and Tasty Pastry.” Set to ‘Up on the Housetop’ “The Great Christmas Eve Cookie Calamity” sets the whole story up, however, with vertiginous rhythms and electronic orchestrations out of science fiction.
Not that cookies are more kid-friendly than candy canes, but the pedantic Christmas chants for little brains add too much sugar and not enough spice. So here are our nominees for most over-enunciated, staccato syncopated, simply loud songs about cookies for Christmas.
Spelling the word cookies (with a mean Spanish guitar) Allie Jo Thomas folk-teaches the rug rats with “Christmas Cookies.” Short and sweet.
Kids like recipes and following rules, so mix that up with an Island beat as Maple Leaf Learning suggests “Let’s Make Cookies for Santa Claus.” Okay.
Slinging an agenda to the ankle-biters Cherry, the Resurrection Rabbit (unironically) sings “Christmas Cookies” in an undecipherable falsetto about cookies, Christ, and Easter. Huh?
More funny speech impediments from Patrick Roberage Productions, Inc. swinging the kids with the whiny complaints of crappy cookie making in “Christmas Cookie Jam.” Slap that grandma.
Playing the Goofy card Brent Holmes sings “The Christmoose Cookie Song” like a moose, though not a religious one. Moose are stupid and make kids laugh at them, in case you weren’t sure.
Silly hillbilly music makes kids kid like, i guess. Crime and dogs, banjos and harmonicas, John R Erickson romps and rollocks through “Christmas Cookies.” And if you learn about the history of American music in the mix, well fine.
Nothing like a military march to rouse the tots into cookie singing formations! This one seems like Plank Road Publishing (a hothouse of school assembly song production), but i don’t have a source. “Christmas Cookies” here features a fast and a slow side with a point counter point round for the finale. All i really hear are exhausted first grade teachers.
What kid songs can do is cough up a big production show tune like the renaissance of Disney musicals did back in the ’90s. Veggie Tales wants kids proselytized to Christianity with singing produce and a dash of wit, a dollop of talent, and I must say some delirium. “Oh Santa” features an anxious boy cucumber with a plate of Christmas cookies, three wisemen (asparagus burglar, pea viking with an odd trace of Hebrew, squash IRS auditor), cheap sets, samaritan examples, slapstick, and a bellicose tomato Santa. Take a peek:
Other confectionary carols?
Well, let’s skip ‘We Wish You’ with its oddity of asking for figgy pudding… although, Plank Road Publishing has some classy antique school-kids’s song entitled “What is Figgy Pudding?” which is as good an excuse for a song as any around the non-ecumenical holiday singing assembly.
Dunkin’ Donuts has a holiday album celebrating fried dough from 2004. It’s fresh from the Phillipines, if that matters. Please to praise “Merry Munchkins” ’cause it’s about love. Sam Concepcion, Cheska Ortega and Audie Gemora sing bilingually.
Everybody loves a great pie. Christmas time, pies tend to be mincemeat. We’ll explain why tomorrow. For now, let’s look at generic tarte. A few singers sell the basic pastry, like Mongstar with “Christmas Pie (Christmas Cock Riddim).” I think there’s chicken in this pie, but it’s got an island beat you can eat to.
Some singers like Music Box improv tell us that “What’s in the Pie? (An Improvised Christmas Song)” is not meat, minced or otherwise. Lively, but in an unbalanced way.
Kirby Heybourne claims his “Wassail & Apple Pie” is other than the traditional as well, but his driving guitar and cracking vocals promise a standard-setting song.
Larke makes “Xmas Pie” about corporations getting their piece of it. It’s not flaky or savory so much as symbolic and censorious.
Coming in somewhere between Barenaked Ladies and Brain Setzer is Fayetteville Ska Alliance with the remarkably fun “Have Another Piece of Pie.” Party pie please!
I’d rather go Victorian for your victrola. “Dame Get Up and Bake Your Pies” comes from the traditions and doggerel of Mother Goose and whatnot. While it’s become popular to delve into the dank origins of why the maids lay and the ducks lost their wings (political scandal and bad health i’m sure), let’s simply listen to The Revels Children’s Chorus lull us into holiday horrors with this rendition: