Now for the rough stuff.
“Who Mugged Santa?” does result in some jolly leg cast and merry missing toys. This odd Welsh kidsong from Carlton Lawrence with some dub step beats pulls no punches, or banjo strums–but there’ll be a happy ending if you can just hang on.
Unlike local area networking (LAN) the wireless networking technologies of Wi-Fi have been trademarked. So now i have to capitalize that forever….
A couple years ago it seemed hilarious for little kids to parody the ‘Where are You Christmas?’ from ‘The Grinch’ with “Where are You Wi-Fi?” Most of these fame-grabs are pretty horrible. Here’s Aaron rehearsing his skit before the school assembly.
A handy dandy means of communique since the 1970s (for some), the elctronic-mail didn’t quite bury the USPS but it has become the default unfiltered word vomit for our age. Whatever you think–there it is! (It’s replacement is in the works.)
Rosie O’Donnell’s “I’m Gonna Email Santa” actually was a cover (duet) of little Billy Gilman’s hit(?) from 2000, aka “Santa.com.” Gareth Pritchard adds the honky tonk.
More giggly silly children’s drek from some Broadway lyricist sung by 13-year-old Kara Oates (voice of Dora the Explorer), “S.A.N.T.A. Dot Com” is all show tune (piercing, man, piercing).
Even worse is the so-called precociousness of Treypac McKaughan, who at not-quite-three, squalls “I Wrote an Email to Santa Claus.” I hope he asked for ADHD treatment.
Son of Hog gets the snotty kid routine down with “I’ll Just Send an Email to Santa,” a bouncy beerhall twist of sarcasm we can all sing along to.
The future was ours in the ’80s with pagers and home videogames and… the telefacsimile. Now, like in Star Trek, messages could be beamed through wires to be recreated onto what seemed like paper for a lucky recipient miles away. Only a dollar five per page at the Kinkos to get that info to your landlord–don’t forget the cover sheet.
Some 1990s school assembly song touted this wild technology with pop dance party disco in “Fax the Facts.” It’s not your father’s letter to Santa!
Not many years later, coin operated machines played the hits as those with silver selected them. (Although the first ones may have only unlocked the machinery so you could crank it yourself.)
Andy Beck and Brian Fisher continue to churn out the elementary school assembly holiday pageants with their “Jingle Bell Jukebox,” a jazzy fast-paced showtune for very high voices.
Parties for Christmas! Parties for birthdays! How ’bout a party for Jesus’ cake’n’candles?!
Orange Kids’ Music ‘happy birthday’ the Jesus out of “Christmas Party!” a pop children’s celebration. Hosana and ice cream.
Who’s coming to your Xmas shindig? Probably not Frankenstein.
But first, a word on who you really shouldn’t invite. Dom Powell warns you that “Satan is coming to the Christmas Party.” In appropriate light metal, the metaphor rings the bell on bad actors who don’t dig what you’re trying unironically to celebrate.
A Peter Pan Players holiday album Monster Christmas Mash (1974??) follows the Universal Classic Monsters (post Bobby Pickett mashing) as they attempt to integrate into Christianity–but learn their wanting to was all the goodness they ever needed. Or something. The album is bedeviled with silly story, but contains a kids’-Dixieland show stopper from the man-of-many-parts Frankenstein: “Nobody Ever Asked Me to a Christmas Party.” Who would Jesus host?
In the spirit of Juneteenth, the Black Power movement in the 1960s USA embarked on a holiday for the cultural values shared by those with a proud African heritage. Others can stand outside the circle and learn a little of the seven principles.
By way of introduction, a children’s chorus from Kutsal Gun intone the honorarium “O Kwanzaa.” It’s for the kids! Be ready to take notes (the song repeats because there’s so much information)!
Trying for more authenticity, Quaver Music’s “Kwanzaa Celebration” uses more drumming. Seven days, class–who wants the time off?
The African-American Mr. Rogers NGUZO SABA recites “The Kwanzaa Song” to a badass backbeat, rap with values. He’s friendly, but morally authoritative. Heed to his Herbie Hancock backdrop.
Without the holidays you might never wad the kidlings into the SUV and trek all the way over to the ‘rents. It’s so much work to see ’em get older and more clueless; it’s so draining to put up with their expectations and judgments.
So here’s to the family! Love/hate ’em! And then turn into ’em!
Each day of this month we’ll listen to songs that thrive in the lap of mommy & daddy and then pit them against songs that howl about the dysmerogenetic dysfunctional dementia from the descendants. Winner takes all for 24hrs.
The Dropkick Murphys have already blessed us with “The Season’s Upon Us.” The unkind kin are trotted out celtic punk-style like unwashed laundry flags. Oi.
Buttered corn from 1959 serves up Dennis Day fresh from The Jack Benny Show warbling “Christmas is For the Family.” More listing, almost all the way over, but this time about the fun activities that bring big, fat smiles to all.
Deadly serious, the winner is the cover of that same cheese by The Christmas Crickets, released the same year, but rereleased–now with irony–in 2011. Ladies and generalists, i give you “Christmas is For the Family” insect infestation.
Many holiday songs that promote chuckles poke childish greed with a stick. A few are retweetable, but not just about the one thing you want.
For example, Gordy Pratt unpacks the problems with making your wishes clear to S.C. in “Clause.n.pole.com,” a childish bit o’ toffee.
The importance of the Xmas list is underlined by King Lou Fernandez (Something Awful) in “Secret Santa Jambawamba.” This bossa nova rap is experimental dream jazz (bowling alley, golf links sfx) that may scare you to the pen and paper.
Then there’s just “Gimme Christmas,” the punk-lite extravagance of MxPx. A planet, hey!
Existential angst plagues Jay Brannan with a supercool alt exploration of the meaning of the holiday with “Dear Santa.” He wants nothing (more than just to believe). Don’t forsake him, Big Guy!
Different landscapes, different lists. Sean Morey gets third world vs. suburbia (for The Bob & Tom Show) with “Dear Santa.” It’s funny ‘cuz it’s so tragic–and bluegrass.
The usual list reads YOU, BABY. Creeping out the concept, Shark Uppercut continues the experimental collection with “Christmas Presence.” The uncanny valley of romantic thought.
The usual comedy list reads “Cash Cash Cash,” as in the jumpin’ folk tune from Heywood Banks. Now that’s a funny guy.
Is it enough? “I Want a Million Dollars for Christmas” romp stomp The Andersons! with some fun alt energy.
Also–a girl! Pop rock this side of disco from Bey Ireland detailing “All I Want for Christmas is a Go-Go Girl.” She knocks him out.
(Or, a better girl. Jenny Talia vamps up ‘Hippopotamus’ with “I Want a New Set of Tits for Christmas.” It’s funny because it’s so horrible.)
And… drugs! lil aaron is on bended knee cuz’ he (feat. Goody Grace) says “All I Need” is a bag of weed. And a friend. And backup. Needy elctro rap.
‘Course the other funny routine is to ask for CHRISTMAS TO STOP! “Dwarven Dirge” from Piedmont Songbag is a curmudgeons’ lament that this noisy time of year is back. And ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO SHUT UP. For “All I Really Need” for Xmas for them, refer to the beer section… then some other odd stuff.
Less usual is the super specific weirdness of Watch Out for Rockets’s soft rock “All I Want for Christmas is the Criss Angel Platinum Magic Kit with Over 250 Magic Tricks.” Just get it for ‘im.
And then there’s the disappointment espoused by The Roundheads in their pop rock “All I Got for Christmas was a Brick.” What exactly did you ASK for? That magic trick kit?
The traditional straight-up letter to Santa comes unironically from Brian Kinder. “Dear Santa” is the children song of cowboy hopes and dreams. (Socks, no; guitar, yes.) Play along, kids. It’s fun