Category Archives: Childrens

And a Party in a Pear Tree: left out

Who’s coming to your Xmas shindig? Probably not Frankenstein.

But first, a word on who you really shouldn’t invite. Dom Powell warns you that “Satan is coming to the Christmas Party.” In appropriate light metal, the metaphor rings the bell on bad actors who don’t dig what you’re trying unironically to celebrate.

A Peter Pan Players holiday album Monster Christmas Mash (1974??) follows the Universal Classic Monsters (post Bobby Pickett mashing) as they attempt to integrate into Christianity–but learn their wanting to was all the goodness they ever needed. Or something. The album is bedeviled with silly story, but contains a kids’-Dixieland show stopper from the man-of-many-parts Frankenstein: “Nobody Ever Asked Me to a Christmas Party.” Who would Jesus host?

WHAT ELSE? K-7

In the spirit of Juneteenth, the Black Power movement in the 1960s USA embarked on a holiday for the cultural values shared by those with a proud African heritage. Others can stand outside the circle and learn a little of the seven principles.

By way of introduction, a children’s chorus from Kutsal Gun intone the honorarium “O Kwanzaa.” It’s for the kids! Be ready to take notes (the song repeats because there’s so much information)!

Trying for more authenticity, Quaver Music’s “Kwanzaa Celebration” uses more drumming. Seven days, class–who wants the time off?

The African-American Mr. Rogers NGUZO SABA recites “The Kwanzaa Song” to a badass backbeat, rap with values. He’s friendly, but morally authoritative. Heed to his Herbie Hancock backdrop.

It’s All Relative, bugs

Without the holidays you might never wad the kidlings into the SUV and trek all the way over to the ‘rents. It’s so much work to see ’em get older and more clueless; it’s so draining to put up with their expectations and judgments.

So here’s to the family! Love/hate ’em! And then turn into ’em!

Each day of this month we’ll listen to songs that thrive in the lap of mommy & daddy and then pit them against songs that howl about the dysmerogenetic dysfunctional dementia from the descendants. Winner takes all for 24hrs.

The Dropkick Murphys have already blessed us with “The Season’s Upon Us.” The unkind kin are trotted out celtic punk-style like unwashed laundry flags. Oi.

Buttered corn from 1959 serves up Dennis Day fresh from The Jack Benny Show warbling “Christmas is For the Family.” More listing, almost all the way over, but this time about the fun activities that bring big, fat smiles to all.

Deadly serious, the winner is the cover of that same cheese by The Christmas Crickets, released the same year, but rereleased–now with irony–in 2011. Ladies and generalists, i give you “Christmas is For the Family” insect infestation.

ReduXmas: Listless

Many holiday songs that promote chuckles poke childish greed with a stick. A few are retweetable, but not just about the one thing you want.

For example, Gordy Pratt unpacks the problems with making your wishes clear to S.C. in “Clause.n.pole.com,” a childish bit o’ toffee.

The importance of the Xmas list is underlined by King Lou Fernandez (Something Awful) in “Secret Santa Jambawamba.” This bossa nova rap is experimental dream jazz (bowling alley, golf links sfx) that may scare you to the pen and paper.

Then there’s just “Gimme Christmas,” the punk-lite extravagance of MxPx. A planet, hey!

Existential angst plagues Jay Brannan with a supercool alt exploration of the meaning of the holiday with “Dear Santa.” He wants nothing (more than just to believe). Don’t forsake him, Big Guy!

Different landscapes, different lists. Sean Morey gets third world vs. suburbia (for The Bob & Tom Show) with “Dear Santa.” It’s funny ‘cuz it’s so tragic–and bluegrass.

The usual list reads YOU, BABY. Creeping out the concept, Shark Uppercut continues the experimental collection with “Christmas Presence.” The uncanny valley of romantic thought.

The usual comedy list reads “Cash Cash Cash,” as in the jumpin’ folk tune from Heywood Banks. Now that’s a funny guy.

Is it enough? “I Want a Million Dollars for Christmas” romp stomp The Andersons! with some fun alt energy.

Also–a girl! Pop rock this side of disco from Bey Ireland detailing “All I Want for Christmas is a Go-Go Girl.” She knocks him out.

(Or, a better girl. Jenny Talia vamps up ‘Hippopotamus’ with “I Want a New Set of Tits for Christmas.” It’s funny because it’s so horrible.)

And… drugs! lil aaron is on bended knee cuz’ he (feat. Goody Grace) says “All I Need” is a bag of weed. And a friend. And backup. Needy elctro rap.

‘Course the other funny routine is to ask for CHRISTMAS TO STOP! “Dwarven Dirge” from Piedmont Songbag is a curmudgeons’ lament that this noisy time of year is back. And ALL I WANT IS FOR YOU TO SHUT UP. For “All I Really Need” for Xmas for them, refer to the beer section… then some other odd stuff.

Less usual is the super specific weirdness of Watch Out for Rockets’s soft rock “All I Want for Christmas is the Criss Angel Platinum Magic Kit with Over 250 Magic Tricks.” Just get it for ‘im.

And then there’s the disappointment espoused by The Roundheads in their pop rock “All I Got for Christmas was a Brick.” What exactly did you ASK for? That magic trick kit?

The traditional straight-up letter to Santa comes unironically from Brian Kinder. “Dear Santa” is the children song of cowboy hopes and dreams. (Socks, no; guitar, yes.) Play along, kids. It’s fun

ReduXmas: Baby It’s Cold

Ahh, the 1950s, ostensibly the birth of novelty Christmas music (not counting Yogi Yorgesson or Spike Jones or… hmm, maybe the 1940s were the birthplace of novelty Christmas music. I must investigate further).

1959: Spike Jones is still trying it with “I Want the South to Win the War for Christmas” (feat. Phil Phillips and The Rebels). This isn’t quite as offensive as it coulda been. Swingin’ big band coolness.

1959: Clifford Charles Arquette plays the rustic fool as Charley Weaver with “Christmas in Mt. Idy,” an entry in pre-Woebegone countrified comedy. Chatty.

1959: Yay ’59! “When Santa Comes over the Brooklyn Bridge” is the wailing funky jazz blues doo wop, in other words, rock’n’roll. Jimmy Allen & Tommy Bartella don’t exactly nail it, but they try it on for size.

1957: The sort of novelty that you may be nostalgic for (widdle kiddie voices)! Kenny Bowers (w/Jimmy Carroll and His Orchestra) clown around as the feisty kid and the cornered Claus in “Weach for the Wafter, Santa.” Kids are just like us, but dumber and overdramatic!

1954: You thought blockbuster movies owned sequelitis! Eartha Kitt follows up ‘Santa Baby’ with “This Year’s Santa Baby.” Last year’s presents are SO last year. You can do better…. purr purr.

1953: I scored some of these from a 1980 Dr. Demento show recording someone posted, including this truly racist Harry Stewart (as the ah-so Asian stereotype Harry Kari) bit “The Night Before Christmas.” There’s your ’50s golden age for you.

Pete the Elf turned me on to Barry Gordon’s 1956 attempt to recapture lightning in a bottle like with the previous year’s ‘Nuttin’ for Christmas’ in “I Like Christmas.” OMG, does this kid LIKE Christmas. Bouncy band kid pop.

Fashionably Unbalanced Cartoon Keepsake (BLUE ALERT)

Animation and swearing, it’s like chocolate and tuna fish! They shouldn’t go together, but somehow–

‘Nightmare Before Christmas’ is the easy target here, ‘cuz it’s a musical (duh) and also weirdos like it.

Gamma Secretase plays “Fuck This” as a Madlibs, poking in the swear word for some other word as often as possible. Your laughter levels will tell you how high you are at the moment.

Shorter and more clever (though with direct drug references) is Lord Jazor’s “The F*ck is This?” Yeah, i know, it’s a Christmas movie, not really a Christmas song. Still like it.

HATE Xmas.26

We need another day to address Ebenezer Scrooge inspired songs. Not musical adaptations, but holiday hotcakes to play at home. (Not EVERY such tip of the topper, only those that feature how much he hates. Esp. w/Christmas mentions.)

Ron Doros homebrews his “Ebenezer’s Song” with fine folk finishings. Haunting.

Chris Hensen enters a songwriting contest with the “Bah Humbug Blues.” A bit sloppy and too much of the whole story, but it’s awfully swinging.

Romeo615 gets n-word BLUE ALERT urban rhymin’ with his take on “Ebenezer Scrooge.” Not sure what the Minnie Pearl hogcallin’ is all about, but i likes it.

Funky R+B from Travis Hobson slaps a “Scrooge Song” with some sass. Bah to the hum to the bug. Yeah, like that.

Metal showtune from Black Adidas “Bah Humbug” sparks the lack of joy.

Mississippi Skinny Dippers bluegrass around the country with “Bah Humbug,” tongue in cheek o’ course.

Just as kidding, Tim O’Brien fiddles and banjos over “Bah Humbug.” Mountain life sucks.

Blues for whites, “Bah Humbug” from Danaher & Cloud jazzes and razzes the trappings from the dining room. When does Mama get a break?

Phil Gathany gets jazzy folk rock with “Ebenezer Scrooge.” Coffehouse weird.

Party metal lite with One Hell of a Christmas, something your gramma might get you out of the discount bins because you like that sort of thing, don’t you dear? Still “Bah, Humbug” is coolly singable.

Parody doowop time! “Scrooge You” from Richlove (& all the Something Awful peeps) makes us dance the hate away.

Keep up the comedy with Spanky Woods channeling his Heywood Banks into “Bah Humbug!” Jazzy hollering for the fun of the season.

I only have a corrupted copy of the A Christmas in Bedrock album, but i was after the “Don’t be a Scrooge” Motown hiphoppery Barney lords over Fred. Wild overorchestration to scare you into generosity.

Love Teresa Brewer summarizing the whole ‘Carol’ with her 1953 kidsong “Ebenezer Scrooge.” Spoilers! (Eddy Howard‘s take, not so fun.)

Sick of Christmas: rubella

Cab Calloway’s kid tried a novelty in 1956. “Dear Santa, Have You Had the Measles?” is singsongy kid basic. Can’t tell if the child has any pipes. But we must hereto broach the idea that someone besides YOU is sick during Xmas. [Choral wonders VocalEssence also do this, with gusto.]

Sick of Christmas: chix pox

The inconvenience of holiday illness becomes childhood tragic when stricken with “Chicken Pox for Christmas.” Damn.

Kimbo’s Children Music tootles bravely through the itchiness.

Sick of Christmas: nasopharyngitis

According to the CDC colds come on gradually, have sore throats and sneezing (but rarely chills or fever–that’s the flu).

So you’ve decided to come down with something that’s not just depression. Wait, you’re not sure? Take this simple test: does the song “Christmas Cold” by Cheryl Ladd in a hideous wig and Kaitlin Maher, ditto, (from ‘Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups’) make you feel ill? If not, you already ARE ill!

Only a year after the ‘Hippo’ hit, Gayla Peevey is back at it. 1954’s “Got a Code in the Node for Christmas” is precious and saccharine and all those other words that don’t exactly mean awful.

Cowboy Billy is nasally country twangy with “I Always Get a Cold for Christmas.” Earnest, if not Ray Stevens ready.

The least worst sniffley snuffley songey will have to be “I Got a Cold for Christmas” from the delirious Three Stooges. Stay on beat, stay on beat.