It’s over. You’re alone. Christmas day. Look around. Whaddya got? SELF-PITY!!
Banging on the toy piano Mind’s Eye circles the drain with “This Christmas Sucks,” a callback from this blog, but worth the wailing guitar solo. Angry over lost love!
Steve Lukather & Friends hammer rock into the blues with “Broken Heart for Christmas.” Is that a happy ending after all, or are you so deluded with sorrow you imagined it?
Okay, he/she didn’t really leave, just physically unavailable at the moment that counts. So there’s songs for that separateness.
Hadn’t, couldn’t, don’t–Katharine McPhee is having contractions without you. “It’s Not Christmas Without You” is a pop diva directed diatribe of non-situations, soaring yet wallowing. The official video shows him just down the road until the surprise happy ending.
Lena Anderssen is going through the Christmas motions but “It ain’t Christmas ’til You’re Home.” Miss you, miss you is the issue with this twinkling soft pop.
The Lonely Hearts Elvis swing the blues with “Christmas Without You.” Breathy, probably because they’re phone-sexing.
So, I‘m the stinker?!
Cherrywodd ha-has up a buttload of Australian honky tonk for the irresponsible “Broken Heart for Christmas.” It’s catchy, it’s seductive, but you wind up with an pounding emptiness afterwards.
Just let it out! And get out! And over it! And then some holiday spirit….
While puddling, Martin Nievera soul wails “Christmas Won’t be the Same Without You.” It is to cry.
B2K black boy bands the R+B pop pitiful meltdown of “Why’d You Leave Me.” ‘Cuz you got no dignity, fool. Embarrassing, man. Soulful, too.
1970 wants its emo back! Jermaine is crying and the Jackson 5 explain the R+B with “Christmas Won’t be the Same Without You.”
Corby Sullivan turns the pain back on her with “Black and Blue on Christmas Eve.” Getting mad here in The Great American Trailer Park Christmas Musical – Original Cast Recording. Bluesy pop sells it.
Metamusic fun!
Dr. BLT sings about himself (wishfully) with the wistful romantic fast folk “Songwriting Santa.” Or maybe it’s moving too fast. He croons to woo. A bit later he writes to Baby Jesus that “I’ll be Writing You a Christmas Song.” Heartfelt folk with kid backup.
Matt Roach can only do one thing for you (it’s writing a song). “Christmas Morning Eyes” is an alt stumble through the love-you/no-present-though. Near miss.
Amateur hour from The Paulson Family Band. “We Wrote You This Song for Christmas” really seems like a peek into a private family+friends exchange. Their earnest folking is nearly enchanting.
Your-gift-is-my-song rings out more successfully from Jason Lancaster with the throat shredding piano recital power ballad “All I Can Give You.” Goosies!
Red State Update has decided to eschew all carols in favor of their “Christmas Tambourine.” Hard rock (i think).
Also limited, Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. Simply Weasels) asks “Santa Tune My Guitar” so the songs can get going, you know, euphonically like.
Wendell Ferguson picks the old style country rock while sheepishly admitting to “Workin’ in a One-Hit Wonderland.” Slight BLUE ALERT, but cuddly cute.
Terrible, bad, heinous songs may briefly be considered. The inconceivably Eurotrashy Günther serenades you with ‘Ding dong! It’s a Christmas song!’ in his “Christmas Song.” Awful, baby, simply ’70s disco awful.
Greg and Brian’s “The Worst Christmas Carol” is jk cheap funk with childish sentiment. Unfortunate, more than sick-making.
More easy comedy-attempt from Tony Caravan. Familiar hockey rink electronic piano pounding as with the last, but “The Worst Christmas Hanukkah Kwanzaa Song Ever Written or Sung” is a recited comedy routine with the barest syncopation. And just a smidge of a snark.
Geraldine McQueen crosses us back over to the weird (ambiguously sexually slanted enough for us to make up our own aesthetic) with the show tune “Once Upon a Christmas Song.” Come along with me: love, hate, love hate… (over and over again).
Time for the full frontal irony: Tony Thaxton drops the humor bomb in “Another Generic Christmas Song,” with seasonal pop underpinnings. Got me!
What we were hoping for are wonderful songs about “Stupid Christmas Songs.” Piedmont Songbag gets funky country blues to atonally piss and moan about how Bing sounds like ‘blub blub blub blub blubblubblub blubblub.’ Burn!
The first February of my blog was about LOVE. (This last February was HATE. come a long way, baby.) The songs are unimaginative at best. But a couple you can dance to. Here are a couple more bittersweet numbers.
“ChristmasLove” by Something Awful’s tvallier is not pure, true, or holy. She’s going to bring the toys. Electronic party experimental.
Leaning into Dylan, Matt Roach proclaims “Forever Christmas” I’m your man! It’s a declaration of devotion that any hardhearted woman would flee.
Go-go-gospel! Rita MacNeil uplifts with “The Gift of Love.” It’s about God, not the losing of her virginity!
Hard pop gospel from SuperHErose raps “Birth of Love” as a testament to dance to.
The rhythm sells it! RemBunction prongs the riddim of “More Love” on Christmas Day. More and more every day, my Irie Bae.
R+B pop bitchin’ from Jiggly Caliente who drags “Christmas Luvin’” over the giggly salsa of gettin’ what a girl want.
Seriously R+B, but barely Xmas-adjacent, “World of Love” by Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings bluesies out the condition of mankind and how to repair it.
Even more coolly retro, The Crystalairs doo wop “Winter Love” about that warm hearth deep in the heart.
JD McPherson gets me in the mood with his bluesy orchestrally rockin’ “Every Single Christmas.” Watch my moves!
Other significant contributors to the sexualization of Christmas carols include the gonzo pyschobillyist Mojo Nixon. Neil Kirby McMillan Jr may be retired now, but he has left a legacy of ’80s frat boy scream-alongs that echo today with the the truth of sexual imperative.
With The Toadliquors 1992 Mojo gave unto us Horny Holidays! an album of blue material including “It’s Christmas Time” where the blues bust loose in a cry for lovin’ that is found under the belt area.
The cover of Jimmy Butler’s “Trim Your Tree” maintains the strain on the buttoned-up pants.
Horny Claus is a prime actor in “‘Twas the Night Before Christmas.” This rambles, shambles, and doublebacks. Man, that’s the nastiest!
The unacknowledged stepchild of country, the blues, gets more mileage out of misery. So a blues number railing over the unjust season of Xmas? Cover your ears, Mother.
The Legendary Tiger Man (One Man Band) holds no bars with “Fuck Christmas, I Got the Blues.” But he does keep some rhythm. So, testify.
Let’s narrow down some of the individual peeves what makes Christmas such an abomination. First: $$$.
The commercialism of the George Patience (??) 1986 MTV videotape music video belies the message in “I Hate Christmas.” It’s about the show! Terrible!
The freezing temperatures make poverty less and less joyous for noel-time. Cheetah Chrome dogpaddles through “Christmas Sucks” with some easy listening retro folk. Boo, capitalism.
Working class UK hiphoppery tackles this class warfare with E&D TV’s “Anti Christmas Song.” No wonder Robin Hood, innit?
Jimmy Witherspoon became a name in USO shows during WWII. His ’54 flipside to ‘Boogie Woogie Santa Claus’ is “How I Hate to See Christmas Come Around” (aka ‘Christmas Blues’). It’s calming blues, but it still wails about not having enough for the gal who deserves more.
Let’s go to the place people die, the hospital. Why would you go there?! At Christmas time?!
Feist from A Colbert Christmas album, has a lovely folk-version paean about being on hold during prayer, but i read it as being in the er hoping a nurse will finally help. Listen to “Please be Patient” and test that theory.
Larry the Cable Guy is more grisly with his parody “Call a Doctor.” He’s got no friggin’ hand!
New Orleans-man Louie Ludwig might be a bit too late… “Christmas at the Hospital” is slow blues rock… ‘but you’re not there.’ Now what does that mean?