Last word on warnings about how miscreance = coal for Christmas.

Smoking Popes has a maybe-it’s-about-Christmas/maybe-it’s-not pop piece entitled “Little Lump of Coal.” You may read an inconvenient truth into it as you please. I see Xmas everywhere.

More sinisterly specific, Bill Fitzsimmons realizes the consequences for shooting the wrong deer might be “A Big Lump of Coal.” Fun folk/country.

If you’re not familiar with the ‘bad tip’ protocol (wherein getting nothing is not as bad a getting a penny), there’s a song for that. That is, there’s a song (or two) explaining why coal for Christmas is a pronouncement on your maladjustment. Posted warnings include:

John Fontana drawls the blues in a frame of Mama sez for “Coal in My Stocking.” Take it to heart, young man–before Valentine’s Day.

Nolan and Jake from Canada have dropped a few songs on the ol’ Youtube as nolziz28. Of note today is their pop rap “You’re Gonna Get Coal for Christmas.” These Stranger Things runners-up get into the swing of the season, but ought to avoid close-ups. And avoid overlong comedy sketch set-ups, too. (A full minute before any singin’!!)

Haschel Cedricson employs a banjo to better effect with “He’ll Bring You Coal.” This pokey bluegrass masks bitterness with back woodsy folksiness. And that’s how you do humor.

Naturally as Santa is more powerful than us we joke about how he’s up to no good. But the finger pointing just got real.

At times the mud gets so flung pedophilia rears its childish threat. Kruxy croons “A Touch of Christmas” as a folky conspiratorial eff-you to Big Red.

Arlo Guthrie’s iconoclastic “The Pause of Mr. Claus” side-eyes the jolly old elf as if one of ‘these guys’ looking to get beat on by one of ‘those guys.’ He’s a dope-fiend, Communist, and worse through those narrow minds.

A treasonous militia seems to form around S.C. in the song “The Gift” by Do You Hear What I hear (feat. Screwy). Cheer and gifts are the weapons of his cult–so you’d better watch out. Electric blue grass.

The call to arms at the office Christmas party is alcohol. Get as sozzled as possible so you can get all resentments off your chest and no harm done. Right?

PSA from Shawn Hollenbach: “Don’t Get Wasted at the Holiday Party” preaches a pop/rap dance beat to consider.

Brent Burns slurs through his confessional “I Got Drunk at the Office Christmas Party,” a hoedown of oompah hilarity that offers no moral lesson at all. You’re welcome.

“Christmas Party Song” from Bob Rivers is the office party drunk that went all sorts of the wrong way. But the ornate orchestration and strong vocals (Karen Carpenter tribute?) make it fly.

Beatnik Turtle’s Song of the Day offers “Company Christmas Party,” a rock pop-up (with bongos!) which merely suggests drinking as the reason for all the celebratorily outrageous behavior. It’s all in order. Count it off.

John Vosel & the Party Crashers let you know the hangover dangers before they begin their electronic blues wiler “Office Party.” Wild.

Roberto Cassani rolls his Rs for an Irish sendoff “At the Office Christmas Party.” It’s syncopated folk (isn’t that rap?) about alcohol-fueled shenanigans.

Bluegrassy ragtimey warbling really sells the “Office Party” drunkenness. Shorty Garrett sends you home with a cautionary tale. (About how you can win the girl with an extra cup of wine.)

Time to recognize the few, the brave, the messed up groups out there who make an effort to eroticize the Advent for their own reasons.

HC Weinberg & His Midwest Merry Makers kerfuffle out of Seattle to jug band out the holidays with a wry ol’ creepy uncle wink. Beware, these guys only know one tune.

Their album Christmas Makes Me Horny from a couple years ago warm up with the innuendo of “Santa’s Little Helper,” a tribute to little blue pills(??) with some horny horns and cheerleader cheers.

“Frisky the Snowman” is also naughty-lite blue grassing this time concerning the romantic sojourn of a certain iceman. Frankenstein’s monster had the same trouble.

The ‘Uncle and Aunt approved’ version of the title song is “Christmas Makes Me Frisky.” Stop here if you redden easily.

The same song done earthy is “Christmas Makes Me Horny.” Basically the same thing. No BLUE ALERT necessary, but i got nervous and pressed the button prematurely.

A pure form of country is down home bluegrass, which loves the pickin’ and strummin’ over the speed limit more than the surly sentiment. It’s hard to be sad with bluegrass!

Lugubrious gospel bluegrass from Kelly Nolf & Wyndi Harp harking back to the posing for the picture of “Our Family Christmas Card.” It’s not good news, but–hey–bluegrass.

Mark Best swings and sways with Sunday school rhythms for his blue grass special “The Christmas Card.” He wants you to know why he signed your card. It’s ‘cuz o’ God.

A peek inside a God-fearing Midwest home during the Great Depression resonated with the Take-This-Job-and-Shove-It generation of struggling middle class haters. It calmed them down that such monumental problems could be solved in less than an hour.

After nine years the show was cancelled but wouldn’t die through specials and movies for decades. Then came Walton’s Christmas: Together Again, a 1999 holiday album of anachronistically rollicking country music.

Some tunes are covers of country faves, like “Follow That Star,”

and “That’s What Christmas Means to Me.”

Then there’s the original second eldest Jason’s ode to “Mama’s Applesauce Cake.” A barn burner.

And then there’s Grampa’s patient explanation about the heaven snowmen go to when they melt for the granddaughter’s weepy sake. “Snowman’s Land” is that talky Red Sovine country blather that means to tearjerk, but runs long with chorale backup.

But, heavens, when you think of Waltons, you think of the longshot of the darkened home with the endless “Good Night”s. So here’s the Christmas song to make you remember that old TV series. Goodnight, John Man.