The stages of grief over losing your love include bargaining.
Harmonic blubbering from East 17 ruins the merries and jollies with “Stay Another Day.” Boy band emo. You’re embarrassing her, man.
More slick, still heart-on-sleeve, “Ex-mas Song” by Young Rog tries to imagine Christmas wivowt da two uvuss… ca’t do it! R+B slow roll.
More comically vis-à-vis Rudy Casoni pulls the Chairman of the Board schtick (coming off more like the King of Comedy) with “Sno’ Balls.” Suggestively waving what she’s leaving behind as she sashays out. (Not quite x-rated.)
Gimme gimme gimme songs about Christmas shopping, wrapping, unwrapping, and returning gifts. Boy howdy.
Indicting capitalism Matt Roach likes “Giving Christmas the Business.” The more you spend, the more you love God. Alt garage.
Where to start? Try “K-hristmart” from Norick Eve. They have everything in alt-rock sizings.
Or, try “The Corner Store on Christmas” from Bowling for Soup (feat. Jaret Reddick). This alt pop gives us the ideas no one wants, but i like it. A lot.
Or, try “Christmas at the Old Mall” from The Likes of Jeff Pittman. The idea of a mall being old is so millennial! This jouncy country pop makes it sound like a hootenanny.
Trouble shopping? “Shoulda Went Online… Capiche?” swings out Bacio with some heavy brass. Never too late to pay extra for expedited shipping.
Teen pop swings the greed with “Give Me Everything.” The Aftershow might be a talented group of kids, or a corporate algorithm. ADHD bouncy.
Draco and the Malfoys folk the flaunt with “Christmas with My Mom and Dad.” What didn’t he get? A tragic backstory? Oh yeah, that other kid got that.
Parody interlude! The Withers take down Faith Hill’s ‘This Kiss’ with “This Gift.” Some pretty bad ideas here, gang. Take notes.
Let’s look at who’s giving whom what. Powerful (and serious) Marc Sardou alts out “The Present (To Khloe Colon).” Oddly moving.
“You Give Better Gifts to Ben” from Norick Eve altrocks the fun stuff just opened. Sudden caroling joy and squirrely whistling add up to a party.
Getting weird with love as wrapping paper, Graduation Speech plays alt rock/folk philosophical into “This is a Gift.” Snap snap, man. Beat poetic.
The New Anxiety psychoanalyze us with their must-have present accessory, “Gift Receipt.” Jazzy pop folk.
Or better yet, BLUE ALERT “Regift That Shit!” Pop screaming from DJ Timbo.
Dealing with that regifting, Mr. Cork narrates “A Recycled Christmas Story.” Gentle jazz background reminiscent of a coffeehouse recitation of ‘Grinch.’
What do you need? I mean really? “All the Gifts I Need” is the joy of Christmas, swings JD McPherson. Cool, daddi-o.
I knew of some odd Xmas songs concerning automobiles and one thing lead to another. For all the roadster rock, however, there were as many trucker numbers about helping out delivering presents. And also some inbetween the category bits. What else is on the back lot?
How could i forget Lindsey Buckingham’s overtired “Holiday Road” from that one movie that time? That’s right, it’s NOT about Christmas! Not even when The Stone Lonesomes put in on a Christmas album with all the ‘billy you could ever want.
2 Live Jews parody ‘Frosty’ with “All Used Car Salesmen.” Funny, but no mention of holidays.
“Toboggan Boys” from Steven Courtney is not tired, but has a Beach Boys tribute that won’t quit. They’re movin’!
“Christmas in My Car” reroutes the topic to the suffering of the homeless via Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. No Kisses for New Years). Conscientious rock.
From the blues side, Matt Roach starts with Christmas in my car for “Christmas Blues ’95.” He gets around, but he’s not happy.
Bryan Kennedy is more down home with the plonkity-plonk in “Santa Drove a Dually.” The fiddle sells it. Cody Romshok goes electric with this.
Molly Starlite & The Sputniks saunters through “Hot Rod Christmas” without the need for speed. Slo-mo ‘billy.
Roadster rock should sound like Slant 6 and the Jumpstarts. Or is “HotRod Christmas” just a bit too familiar?
JD McPherson parallels without pause in “Santa’s got a Mean Machine.” Jolly jazzy big band ‘billy. Go go go. Gone.
Ahh, the 1950s, ostensibly the birth of novelty Christmas music (not counting Yogi Yorgesson or Spike Jones or… hmm, maybe the 1940s were the birthplace of novelty Christmas music. I must investigate further).
1959: Spike Jones is still trying it with “I Want the South to Win the War for Christmas” (feat. Phil Phillips and The Rebels). This isn’t quite as offensive as it coulda been. Swingin’ big band coolness.
1959: Clifford Charles Arquette plays the rustic fool as Charley Weaver with “Christmas in Mt. Idy,” an entry in pre-Woebegone countrified comedy. Chatty.
1959: Yay ’59! “When Santa Comes over the Brooklyn Bridge” is the wailing funky jazz blues doo wop, in other words, rock’n’roll. Jimmy Allen & Tommy Bartella don’t exactly nail it, but they try it on for size.
1957: The sort of novelty that you may be nostalgic for (widdle kiddie voices)! Kenny Bowers (w/Jimmy Carroll and His Orchestra) clown around as the feisty kid and the cornered Claus in “Weach for the Wafter, Santa.” Kids are just like us, but dumber and overdramatic!
1954: You thought blockbuster movies owned sequelitis! Eartha Kitt follows up ‘Santa Baby’ with “This Year’s Santa Baby.” Last year’s presents are SO last year. You can do better…. purr purr.
1953: I scored some of these from a 1980 Dr. Demento show recording someone posted, including this truly racist Harry Stewart (as the ah-so Asian stereotype Harry Kari) bit “The Night Before Christmas.” There’s your ’50s golden age for you.
Pete the Elf turned me on to Barry Gordon’s 1956 attempt to recapture lightning in a bottle like with the previous year’s ‘Nuttin’ for Christmas’ in “I Like Christmas.” OMG, does this kid LIKE Christmas. Bouncy band kid pop.
Christmas is so full of expectation, that any loss is catastrophic and cuss-worthy. Jilted for joyeax noel? Time for snarling slang!
Those Dreaded Gnats roll up the woes with “Merry FXmas,” a tale as old as flat tires. Cool rock pop.
Niki Luparelli is crestfallen by your caddishness, so “Why Don’t You Go F Yourself (This Christmas)?” I mean really, to this lounge diva brassy bossa nova tempo, why don’t you perform all these euphemisms? G’head.
Cab Calloway’s kid tried a novelty in 1956. “Dear Santa, Have You Had the Measles?” is singsongy kid basic. Can’t tell if the child has any pipes. But we must hereto broach the idea that someone besides YOU is sick during Xmas. [Choral wonders VocalEssence also do this, with gusto.]
Toss your cookies, Ralph! We know you’re sick when you puke, barf, vomit, upchuck, or chunder. And we’ll give you space enough to drive the porcelain bus.
Enough of that! April Smith and the Great Picture Show are merely metaphorical with “Christmas Threw up All Over You.” This is kiddie ragtime expressing concern in how you overdo the season. As if.
But Arrogant Worms spews a great big band electronica “Dad Threw up on Christmas Day.” Man, that’s tasty novelty!
Let’s roll this old concept thru the decades of musical evolution and see how much steam we can build up.
(To be fair, musical categories become updated, revisited, retroed and otherwise played again in later decades. A most recent ‘big band’ tune–full of folk, country and jazz–hails from Andrea Carlson. Her “Christmas Card” is all the lounge diva with all the orchestration necessary to fill a homefront ballroom. Worth the tangent.)
Let’s play it orchestral way back in 1954 with Petula Clark and “Christmas Cards.” She’s only 15 at this point so her cutesy singsong chirping against the big band backdrop is cause for comfort and joy amongst almost all Americans.
(Alma Cogan does this with more adult assuredness the same year. Who needs it?)
Santa’s the big guy for Christmas. If you don’t see him at the mall, likely you’ll see him on TV.
“Santa as Seen on TV” by The Christmas Jug Band spells it in colorful washboard fun. Weee.
Bah & The Humbugs get serious with Santa’s guesting on Survivor, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and other “Reality TV” episodes. Caterwauling disco.
Or perhaps the television set is the big star. Mindy Carson leads us through a big band tinkler where she admits “I Want a Television Christmas.” This 1950 commercial is meant to change your household forever. For the kids. For Christmas.
Poor resources! While nearly 30 million living trees fall for Xmas each year, in the past few years half that number artificial trees are bought. So let’s not forsake the fake.
The dilemma is taken to violent levels in the grade school musical ‘Home for the Holidays’ by John Jacobson, Roger Emerson, Cristi Cary Miller, Emily Crocker, Mac Huff, and Tom Anderson. “The Christmas Tree Feud” features both sides in a kidsong sing off. They both win!
A word of warning, some assembly required. The Puffers oompah some old fashioned country rock for their “Christmas Tree Catastrophe.” So lowbrow, it’s fox-worthy. (Now, with the Lord.)
Flocking a tree is still a dead plant, but “We Will Flock You” from The Mistletones is so good, i had to repeat it here in the artificial section.
Quite alt, “Christmas Tree Menorah” is a music hall comedy (?) skit from Three Quarter Ale getting medieval on the tree. It features a long spoken set up, protracted groans, and a final Wonh!
Likewise, Singin’ Steve is out on the islands with “Coconuts on My Christmas Tree.” Kidsong that worries about Santa finding the right tree. And Santa’s definitely black.
Apparently Texas has some forestry difficulties. So the McGuire Sisters (in 1956) proposed a party switch to “The Cactus Christmas Tree.” Sanders Family has a more tongue-in-cheek modern hillbilly take. Can’t tell which is more offensive, i likes ’em so much.
Spanish influenced, “Tumbleweed Christmas Tree” portrays a poor family’s second best. Red Steagall & The Boys in the Bunkhouse know and play real country (maybe not USA).
Po’ folk gots to improvise, i get that. But this Loretta Lynn clone “Green Felt Christmas Tree” is so spot on loving ’70s country that i’d pay good money to Ella May Kay. Wowza.
“Hibiscuses’ Christmas Tree” might refer to a business name, or a family name, but this goofy S.Pacific Islander love song is so alternative, i have to believe it’s not a standard Christmas tree. Aloha, Ukulele Santa!
Electronica from Glial Cell (is that a moog?!) extols their free “Plastic Christmas Tree.” Sounds already lit up.
A triumph in housecleaning and safety, Tommy Emanuel’s “Artificial Christmas Tree” is always pretty and really ever-green. Bossa nova club music with a seductive sales edge. Yes, you want that plastic thing now, don’t ya baby.
