Christmas is so full of expectation, that any loss is catastrophic and cuss-worthy. Jilted for joyeax noel? Time for snarling slang!
Those Dreaded Gnats roll up the woes with “Merry FXmas,” a tale as old as flat tires. Cool rock pop.
Niki Luparelli is crestfallen by your caddishness, so “Why Don’t You Go F Yourself (This Christmas)?” I mean really, to this lounge diva brassy bossa nova tempo, why don’t you perform all these euphemisms? G’head.
Cab Calloway’s kid tried a novelty in 1956. “Dear Santa, Have You Had the Measles?” is singsongy kid basic. Can’t tell if the child has any pipes. But we must hereto broach the idea that someone besides YOU is sick during Xmas. [Choral wonders VocalEssence also do this, with gusto.]
Toss your cookies, Ralph! We know you’re sick when you puke, barf, vomit, upchuck, or chunder. And we’ll give you space enough to drive the porcelain bus.
Enough of that! April Smith and the Great Picture Show are merely metaphorical with “Christmas Threw up All Over You.” This is kiddie ragtime expressing concern in how you overdo the season. As if.
But Arrogant Worms spews a great big band electronica “Dad Threw up on Christmas Day.” Man, that’s tasty novelty!
Let’s roll this old concept thru the decades of musical evolution and see how much steam we can build up.
(To be fair, musical categories become updated, revisited, retroed and otherwise played again in later decades. A most recent ‘big band’ tune–full of folk, country and jazz–hails from Andrea Carlson. Her “Christmas Card” is all the lounge diva with all the orchestration necessary to fill a homefront ballroom. Worth the tangent.)
Let’s play it orchestral way back in 1954 with Petula Clark and “Christmas Cards.” She’s only 15 at this point so her cutesy singsong chirping against the big band backdrop is cause for comfort and joy amongst almost all Americans.
(Alma Cogan does this with more adult assuredness the same year. Who needs it?)
Santa’s the big guy for Christmas. If you don’t see him at the mall, likely you’ll see him on TV.
“Santa as Seen on TV” by The Christmas Jug Band spells it in colorful washboard fun. Weee.
Bah & The Humbugs get serious with Santa’s guesting on Survivor, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and other “Reality TV” episodes. Caterwauling disco.
Or perhaps the television set is the big star. Mindy Carson leads us through a big band tinkler where she admits “I Want a Television Christmas.” This 1950 commercial is meant to change your household forever. For the kids. For Christmas.
Poor resources! While nearly 30 million living trees fall for Xmas each year, in the past few years half that number artificial trees are bought. So let’s not forsake the fake.
This quandry is the subject of the ‘Tannenbaum’ take-off “O Christmas Tree, Reusable Christmas Tree” from Richard Holley. Lively, but with an agenda.
The dilemma is taken to violent levels in the grade school musical ‘Home for the Holidays’ by John Jacobson, Roger Emerson, Cristi Cary Miller, Emily Crocker, Mac Huff, and Tom Anderson. “The Christmas Tree Feud” features both sides in a kidsong sing off. They both win!
A word of warning, some assembly required. The Puffers oompah some old fashioned country rock for their “Christmas Tree Catastrophe.” So lowbrow, it’s fox-worthy. (Now, with the Lord.)
Flocking a tree is still a dead plant, but “We Will Flock You” from The Mistletones is so good, i had to repeat it here in the artificial section.
Quite alt, “Christmas Tree Menorah” is a music hall comedy (?) skit from Three Quarter Ale getting medieval on the tree. It features a long spoken set up, protracted groans, and a final Wonh!
Caribbean steel drums crowd into the lively “All I Want for Christmas is a Big Palm Tree” from Gene Mitchell. It’s so much better than the traditional, Gene follows up with the sequel “Coconut Palm for a Christmas Tree.” Double dipping in the inspiration pool, bra.
Likewise, Singin’ Steve is out on the islands with “Coconuts on My Christmas Tree.” Kidsong that worries about Santa finding the right tree. And Santa’s definitely black.
Apparently Texas has some forestry difficulties. So the McGuire Sisters (in 1956) proposed a party switch to “The Cactus Christmas Tree.” Sanders Family has a more tongue-in-cheek modern hillbilly take. Can’t tell which is more offensive, i likes ’em so much.
Spanish influenced, “Tumbleweed Christmas Tree” portrays a poor family’s second best. Red Steagall & The Boys in the Bunkhouse know and play real country (maybe not USA).
Po’ folk gots to improvise, i get that. But this Loretta Lynn clone “Green Felt Christmas Tree” is so spot on loving ’70s country that i’d pay good money to Ella May Kay. Wowza.
“Hibiscuses’ Christmas Tree” might refer to a business name, or a family name, but this goofy S.Pacific Islander love song is so alternative, i have to believe it’s not a standard Christmas tree. Aloha, Ukelele Santa!
“My Fake Plastic Christmas Tree” is all LJ Jones needs in his gentle folk rock apology. It’s bright enough.
Electronica from Glial Cell (is that a moog?!) extols their free “Plastic Christmas Tree.” Sounds already lit up.
A triumph in housecleaning and safety, Tommy Emanuel’s “Artificial Christmas Tree” is always pretty and really ever-green. Bossa nova club music with a seductive sales edge. Yes, you want that plastic thing now, don’t ya baby.
Mistletoe, bah! Cedar pine now… c’mere baby.
Ron Glaser (or is that Elvis?) will be underneath the “Christmas Tree” where there’s room just for him and you. That kind of rockabilly.
More tributes to the King with The Ridin Dudes who also intend their assignations underneath the “Christmas Tree.” It’s a rockabilly appointment, so you know sometime.
All The Cute Lepers want under the Christmas tree is you, honeypie. “The Cute Lepers Christmas Song” is retro pop rock–even Jesus would skip out on his final peace… for you.
Cathie Fredrickson doesn’t need gifts, just you “Next to Our Christmas Tree.” Oh yes, and some kissing and hugging, too. Percussive folk.
A perfect gift for you and me is the side by side presence “Next to the Christmas Tree” for Jay Broadway is intimate, sultry alt-prog-pop. Too close, man.
More only you, this time with more country/western: Sam Mason and Songbird Jones repeat how the “Empty Tree (All I Want for Christmas)” means why-oh-you.
The Zac Brown Band (feat. Sara Bareilles) have nothing but love love love for each other, and it’s all underneath the “Christmas Tree.” Enormous band swing.
Hey, look everybody! I found one last corner not covered over with stuff on the Christmas tree–The top!
Pretty symbolic. Should be some nadir kinda thing up there.
(And bee-teedubs, that angel might be a metaphor, not actual ornamentation.)
Kenny Chesney country jams “The Angel at the Top of My Tree,” but it’s about his squeeze. She’s not just a heavenly being, see. She’s the acme of the holiday season. She’s pretty good.
Faron Young is a little slicker with his yodeling crooner “You’re the Angel on My Christmas Tree.” Silver tongued devil!
The Christmas Rockers (yeah, generic as their name) woof out “The Angel Underneath My Christmas Tree.” That, for class!
More amateurish, but with feeling, Glenn Diamond seeks out peace on this day from an “Angel on My Christmas Tree.” It might be an actual angel here. Country with electronic bells!
“(Sweet Angie) The Christmas Tree Angel” is a full tale of another unappreciated Santa-helper. This big band twinkler has short shrift from Fran Allison , grrl sweetness from The Spitfire Sisters, adorability from Las Campanitas, but heavenly harmony from The Andrew Sisters.
Earth Mama wants to sing about decorations, but “The Angel Tree” is folk with a lesson (what else is new?): give love!
Michelle Schmitt uses “Angels in Trees” as a brief bit of imagery to kick off her list of loving memories. Jazz folk along.
Just to keep you off balance, let’s hear from the little girls who wish to be “The Fairy on the Christmas Tree.” Henry Hall and The Three Sisters apply a [music hall] different religious aspect to decorate from 1936. (I believe they had Jesus back then, but, well–)
Cartoon characters like Christmas trees, too. And if you’re a kid, maybe you’ll excuse these songs.
Inappropriate lounge style punctuates “Cinderella’s Christmas Tree.” Her glass slippers hang next to her glass ceiling.
More in the spirit, “Dino the Dinosaur’s Christmas Tree” from the 1964 cartoon episode features Alan Reed as Santa Fred teaching the kiddies with his bouncy spluttering.
Flipside to ‘Suzy Snowflake’ was “Little Red Riding Hood’s Christmas Tree,” a Rosemary Clooney orchestral offering from 1951 that tootles its way around the decorations (you know, big eyes, big nose, big mouth…).
Yeah, there’s a song about it. Lara Herscovitch soars soulfully with “Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.” Her folk pop is more about home and love and Christ and getting away from the rat race. Not sure if the grief is good here. Or childhood values. Or trees, really.
So now let’s grow up! Janyse goes Betty Boop with “Elfy Under My Tree.” Swinging flirtiness! (She has a more womanly torch version, as well.)
The lack of snow is not just another day in December… it makes a statement.
Reese Lansangan is one of those talents you can’t understand is only on Youtube. Her fluent folk pop “No Snow” makes you believe in the poetry of young love.
Anuhea sings “No Snow” as exotic island beat, which makes you wonder how do they know about snow?
More hula-inspired honky tonk in “No Snow for Christmas” from Maureen McElheron.
Brian Protheroe has to make “No Snow Blues” about not getting love, but it’s so bluesy.
Blues rock from Lucky Luke in the form of “No Snow This Christmas.” Makes Elvis cry.
Graffiti6’s “No Snow” goes jazzy wailing over that loss of that girl that time of year.
Stephen Simmons gets cynical with “No Snow on the Ground.” Jazz ballad hates Xmas.
Stefanie Eskew bemoans inappropriate tropical paradises with her hard folk “No Snow.”
Pet Shop Boys, yes the most successful recording duo from the UK, bemoan the lack of standardization with “It Doesn’t Often Snow at Christmas.” It’s meant to do, y’see. Synthpop.
Boon & Millz make the Whoville case “No Snow for Christmas“: love only, nuttin else.
Ditto from NexCyx’s R+B pop “We Don’t Have Snow.” But they do have Christmas cliches!
Etc. from James Henson and his backroom amateur “There’s No Snow at Christmas.” We get it, especially via dad folk rock.
Celine Rae & The 20-73 party rock us with “Christmas Without Snow.” Now it’s all okay.
Chris Messtree (fet. Nico Laus) (yeah, it’s a joke) go prog electronic with “No Snow for Christmas.” BLUE ALERT German influenced chanting, so it like it.
Joe Pesci has a cute novelty number “If It Doesn’t Snow on Christmas” (A cover of the Gene Autry ’49 semi-hit). Have you heard the BLUE ALERT naughty version?!