Who’s the biggest cowboy of them all? Santa Claus! Because he herds deer. Or something.
“Santa is a Cowboy” raps Isaac Stancill, with a mandolin backbeat. You heard me.
Did you know that “Santa is a Texas Cowboy“? sings Red Sovine. Hey, allow some privacy for the guy. Or at least a dignified song, not this kids’ pap.
Tex Ritter identifies with “Ole Tex Kringle.” Bass announcing to the kids seems scary to me. Big band high falutin’ fun.
The whole cause célèbre for Xmas is the birthday. Apart from three wise men, no one much noticed the day Mr. Christ was born. But celebrating that calendrical point becomes more and more special as the millennia turn.
And yet… don’t other people have the same birthday? Is that a thing?
(Not much of a one as it turns out, few songs make this case. And according to a senior lecturer at Boston University 1/3 less babies are born right on 12/25 than say on a day in the middle of September–in the USA.)
The big number here (“My Birthday Comes on Christmas”) was made famous by Spike Jones and his City Slickers. As is usual, it was a cover of someone else the year before. Dallas Frazier and Joe “Fingers” Carr perform a schtick-y low rent version complaining about only ‘getting half of what I oughter.’ Trout Fishing in America gets home-styled folksy for 2015 in theirs. Adam Brand swills sweet country tea in his 2018 entry. Overblown orchestral production arrives fully formed from the cracked redhead of Lindley Armstrong Jones 1956 (vocals by George Rock, the ‘Gettin’ Nuttin’ for Christmas’ guy).
Unwanted and intimidating attention has been criminalized since 1990 in the ol’ USA (seeming to lead the globe in deranged surveillance). And during such a romantic time of year (i blame Hallmark), up your Xmas creep on the famous, prior intimates, or even strangers.
Light touch from The Fatty Acids who are in the first bloom of “Christmas Stalking” with some lovely retro ’70s rock and balladeering.
My absolute favorite weirdness i will repeat is Rocket Summer’s “Elf Creep.” It’s alt-tastic.
Lis Mata has a swirling pop number for “Christmas Stalking” which mashes up Taylor Swift and Mariah Carey (in the worst possible ways). The song, however, is disturbingly darling (‘Fatal Attraction’ for millennials).
The guy version from Matt Roach seems much more sinister despite the pop elements to his “Christmas Stalkings.” Domestic abuse call!
‘Let me be’ complains Dr. BLT of your “Christmas Stalking,” an experimental folk acid trip. He can’t have any Xmas fun without you being THERE.
Mary Cobham of The Maughams is “Christmas Stalking” Jay Ferguson (of the Canadian rock band Sloan) with slipshop pop (as verisimilitude for her unbalanced state) (i guess).
Surely it can’t happen to little old you…. But, “Santa Claus is Stalking You” warns Ella Rue with some graphic imagery you should steel yourself for. Jolly uke folk.
Tinhorn symphonia from Linnzi Zaorski is better at the playfulness (well, less torture) with “Christmas Stalking.” I can see a 1930s ‘Merrie Melodies’ cartoon rolling out over it.
Blasting into the Nineteenth Century the latest whadjamajiggit will allow us to communicate Christmas better.
Why the ‘phone might even replace the postals for catalog ordering! “555-Ho! Ho!” from Hal Willis is the country comedy that gets some to knee slapping. It’s sad, it’s funny, it’s uplifting, AND it’s pretty stupid, too.
Many moons later the idea of a telephone connection is taken pretty much for present. When separated “Christmas on the Telephone” may be the only exchange possible. Thus, saggy smeary pop tunes like Brian Gari’s.
And if you won’t even call… “Christmas by the Phone,” a rock driving country womper of heartbreak from Good Charlotte.
Somewheres over a century ago was recorded “I’ll Telephone to Santa Claus” as sung by Stanley Kirkby on Edison Blue Amberol cylinder 23315, 1914. Get a quiet corner to hearken, children, to the tinny timpani of antique jazz band.
The stages of grief over losing your love include bargaining.
Harmonic blubbering from East 17 ruins the merries and jollies with “Stay Another Day.” Boy band emo. You’re embarrassing her, man.
More slick, still heart-on-sleeve, “Ex-mas Song” by Young Rog tries to imagine Christmas wivowt da two uvuss… ca’t do it! R+B slow roll.
More comically vis-à-vis Rudy Casoni pulls the Chairman of the Board schtick (coming off more like the King of Comedy) with “Sno’ Balls.” Suggestively waving what she’s leaving behind as she sashays out. (Not quite x-rated.)
Gimme gimme gimme songs about Christmas shopping, wrapping, unwrapping, and returning gifts. Boy howdy.
Indicting capitalism Matt Roach likes “Giving Christmas the Business.” The more you spend, the more you love God. Alt garage.
Where to start? Try “K-hristmart” from Norick Eve. They have everything in alt-rock sizings.
Or, try “The Corner Store on Christmas” from Bowling for Soup (feat. Jaret Reddick). This alt pop gives us the ideas no one wants, but i like it. A lot.
Or, try “Christmas at the Old Mall” from The Likes of Jeff Pittman. The idea of a mall being old is so millennial! This jouncy country pop makes it sound like a hootenanny.
Trouble shopping? “Shoulda Went Online… Capiche?” swings out Bacio with some heavy brass. Never too late to pay extra for expedited shipping.
Teen pop swings the greed with “Give Me Everything.” The Aftershow might be a talented group of kids, or a corporate algorithm. ADHD bouncy.
Draco and the Malfoys folk the flaunt with “Christmas with My Mom and Dad.” What didn’t he get? A tragic backstory? Oh yeah, that other kid got that.
Parody interlude! The Withers take down Faith Hill’s ‘This Kiss’ with “This Gift.” Some pretty bad ideas here, gang. Take notes.
Let’s look at who’s giving whom what. Powerful (and serious) Marc Sardou alts out “The Present (To Khloe Colon).” Oddly moving.
“You Give Better Gifts to Ben” from Norick Eve altrocks the fun stuff just opened. Sudden caroling joy and squirrely whistling add up to a party.
Getting weird with love as wrapping paper, Graduation Speech plays alt rock/folk philosophical into “This is a Gift.” Snap snap, man. Beat poetic.
The New Anxiety psychoanalyze us with their must-have present accessory, “Gift Receipt.” Jazzy pop folk.
Or better yet, BLUE ALERT “Regift That Shit!” Pop screaming from DJ Timbo.
Dealing with that regifting, Mr. Cork narrates “A Recycled Christmas Story.” Gentle jazz background reminiscent of a coffeehouse recitation of ‘Grinch.’
What do you need? I mean really? “All the Gifts I Need” is the joy of Christmas, swings JD McPherson. Cool, daddi-o.
I knew of some odd Xmas songs concerning automobiles and one thing lead to another. For all the roadster rock, however, there were as many trucker numbers about helping out delivering presents. And also some inbetween the category bits. What else is on the back lot?
How could i forget Lindsey Buckingham’s overtired “Holiday Road” from that one movie that time? That’s right, it’s NOT about Christmas! Not even when The Stone Lonesomes put in on a Christmas album with all the ‘billy you could ever want.
2 Live Jews parody ‘Frosty’ with “All Used Car Salesmen.” Funny, but no mention of holidays.
“Toboggan Boys” from Steven Courtney is not tired, but has a Beach Boys tribute that won’t quit. They’re movin’!
Farmer Jason digs deep into country pop with “Santa Drove a Big John Deere.” How’d i miss this cornpone?
“Christmas in My Car” reroutes the topic to the suffering of the homeless via Do You Hear What I Hear (feat. No Kisses for New Years). Conscientious rock.
From the blues side, Matt Roach starts with Christmas in my car for “Christmas Blues ’95.” He gets around, but he’s not happy.
Bryan Kennedy is more down home with the plonkity-plonk in “Santa Drove a Dually.” The fiddle sells it. Cody Romshok goes electric with this.
Molly Starlite & The Sputniks saunters through “Hot Rod Christmas” without the need for speed. Slo-mo ‘billy.
Roadster rock should sound like Slant 6 and the Jumpstarts. Or is “HotRod Christmas” just a bit too familiar?
JD McPherson parallels without pause in “Santa’s got a Mean Machine.” Jolly jazzy big band ‘billy. Go go go. Gone.
Ahh, the 1950s, ostensibly the birth of novelty Christmas music (not counting Yogi Yorgesson or Spike Jones or… hmm, maybe the 1940s were the birthplace of novelty Christmas music. I must investigate further).
1959: Spike Jones is still trying it with “I Want the South to Win the War for Christmas” (feat. Phil Phillips and The Rebels). This isn’t quite as offensive as it coulda been. Swingin’ big band coolness.
1959: Clifford Charles Arquette plays the rustic fool as Charley Weaver with “Christmas in Mt. Idy,” an entry in pre-Woebegone countrified comedy. Chatty.
1959: Yay ’59! “When Santa Comes over the Brooklyn Bridge” is the wailing funky jazz blues doo wop, in other words, rock’n’roll. Jimmy Allen & Tommy Bartella don’t exactly nail it, but they try it on for size.
1957: The sort of novelty that you may be nostalgic for (widdle kiddie voices)! Kenny Bowers (w/Jimmy Carroll and His Orchestra) clown around as the feisty kid and the cornered Claus in “Weach for the Wafter, Santa.” Kids are just like us, but dumber and overdramatic!
1954: You thought blockbuster movies owned sequelitis! Eartha Kitt follows up ‘Santa Baby’ with “This Year’s Santa Baby.” Last year’s presents are SO last year. You can do better…. purr purr.
1953: I scored some of these from a 1980 Dr. Demento show recording someone posted, including this truly racist Harry Stewart (as the ah-so Asian stereotype Harry Kari) bit “The Night Before Christmas.” There’s your ’50s golden age for you.
Pete the Elf turned me on to Barry Gordon’s 1956 attempt to recapture lightning in a bottle like with the previous year’s ‘Nuttin’ for Christmas’ in “I Like Christmas.” OMG, does this kid LIKE Christmas. Bouncy band kid pop.
Christmas is so full of expectation, that any loss is catastrophic and cuss-worthy. Jilted for joyeax noel? Time for snarling slang!
Those Dreaded Gnats roll up the woes with “Merry FXmas,” a tale as old as flat tires. Cool rock pop.
Niki Luparelli is crestfallen by your caddishness, so “Why Don’t You Go F Yourself (This Christmas)?” I mean really, to this lounge diva brassy bossa nova tempo, why don’t you perform all these euphemisms? G’head.
Cab Calloway’s kid tried a novelty in 1956. “Dear Santa, Have You Had the Measles?” is singsongy kid basic. Can’t tell if the child has any pipes. But we must hereto broach the idea that someone besides YOU is sick during Xmas. [Choral wonders VocalEssence also do this, with gusto.]