Category Archives: altrock

Baby It’s Coal: origins

One of the oddest traditions of Christmas is how bad children still get a little sumpin in the form of a lump of coal.

Let’s not rehash the various histories that various nations claim to originate this Santa shenanigan. Let’s dwell in the hearth that laments and lauds this practice until we finally get into the ore of the mine.

Although previously hailed as a novelty masterpiece, The Killers (w/Jimmy Kimmel) open our journey from the POV of “Joel the Lump of Coal,” allowing us to see the peripeteia the innocent may project over the mean machine of Christmas to a happy ending. Love that alt-pop.

Born this Day, twenty-four (Son of Man)

The birthday traditions include making a wish. What would Jesus wish for?

Since January 2009 Jonathan Mann has contributed to his Youtube channel ‘Song a Day,’ so there’s a lot to chew on there. Let’s focus on (no, not his rock opera based on Super Mario Brothers) his “Happy Birthday Jesus” Song #3988 which he has retooled once or twice and then dropped on his 2019 album Jewish Family Christmas Tree. Lessons to be learned, li’l ones, pay attention.

Born this Day, nine

Eytan Mirsky, Zoenda McIntosh, and Matt Brown are The Decemberishes, a you-don’t-know-them small potatoes self publishing rock/pop group from L.A. But they’ve broadened our calendar with “December Birthday Song,” pointing out how pretty much any day of that month is overshadowed by green and red. You’re lucky if you get a text on YOUR day.

Merry Criminals! bank robbery

Apart from some footage of bank jobbers in Santa-guise, the idea of robbing a bank around Christmas is ludicrous. Banks aren’t even open at Xmas!

Overkill has a poppy naughty bit of B&E with their “Xmas Song.” There may be masks and guns and crews so let’s include this lovely novelty here. (The song ends halfway through with a gasp of a BLUE ALERT then reprises. ‘Sworth it.)

So Souveniir’s “Christmas Bank Heist,” while emo alt-fun, may not involve any actual crimes… maybe arson. But it may be the fever dream of another disaffected loser. Still, weee.

And a Party in a Pear Tree: it’s like you are there

Some Christmas party songs don’t address the party animal in the room, they ARE the animal. When you listen you are enveloped in party vibes.

Red-x Chesta is laying down non-stop dubs with a “Christmas Party” that pingpongs the beat with the pulse of the party. (He’s usually BLUE ALERT but i don’t get that here.)

The other kind of rap rolls out from Ru Paul with “Christmas Party,” a dance number that autotunes and synthstomps like the best blowouts do. Where the kids at?

The Joe and Glo Experiment noodle around with alt folk pop creating the scene with their “Christmas Party.” Can you hear it?

WAR! what it’s good for

In a more innocent time, we sang Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays in the same song. No one thought a thing about it. Let’s do that, hand in hand, you rascals.

Robert Earl Keen accentuates the absurdity of the trailer trash with trombone in the plodding “Happy Holidays Y’all.” This cut includes two takes (second on has slurring and cracking up). Oompah country.

N’Sync gets the corn roasting with “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.” This unfiltered fluff should have opposite sides settling out of court in a hurry. Perhaps Pentatonix is more your cup of Sanka. Pretend Motown for the preteen set.

Adam Hicks feat. Ryan Newman from the Disney show Zeke and Luther zoop up “Happy Universal Holidays” for one for all. ADHD pop.

Let’s settle the bill with invision haling us with “Happy Holidays,” a greeting for one and all. Or, an egregious alt assault on our sensibilities.

WAR! armistice

Can’t we just go back to season greeting? Must it be belligerent?

Well, on the one hand, Scott Anthony Andrews maintains he’s still like a child this hopeful time of the year. “I Still Say Merry Christmas” is less about taking a side, and more about merriment, despite the cheesy synth country.

On the other hand, “Don’t Wanna Hear No Merry Christmas” is a cry of alt pain from Kittywinder because it’s a sad time of the year. Be a little sensitive!

WAR! all out fare

Let’s fool around with some more side eye on The War on Christmas. Those conservatives sound like this: fuff fu fuff uff fuffy uff fuff. Ha ha ha. Showed them up.

Erin McKeown’s Anti-Holiday Spectacular eventually introduces her singsongy ultimatum “Christmas (Love It Or Leave It)” with some strongly proclaimed un-Christian sentiments. I-ah-ron-ick!

“It’s a War on Christmas” alts out The Holiday Bloch-busters about the incursions, intrusions, and intolerance of fighting over Peace on Earth.

Dependent Claus: loved

Santa could keep his hearth and home happy with that frisky promise of bride and groom. I think that’s all a couple needs–i read that somewhere.

If the longest sentence in the English language is ‘I do,’ then maybe Santa’s stuck with Mrs. Claus and “Mrs. Claus is Ugly” according to Santa’s Angry Elves. Rude metal, but no significant swearing.

Now that the work’s done, “Let’s Have Some Fun, Mrs. Claus.” Morning delight with a gypsy waltzing lilt from Emma Wallace and Marie Bee. Well, gee, i had fun.

“Chasing Mrs. Claus ‘Round the North Pole” is just the party raunchy alt we need to visualize to feel better about the cuddly twosome. Thanks Lust Control. Now i can stop thinking about my parents’ wedding night.

WHAT ELSE? A New Box, Perhaps

Boxing Day is like turning a corner. New hope for everyone!

Merry Christmas/Christmas is over! hollers Xmas Movie Soundtrack in their “Boxing Day.” Insistent pop offers a hand into the next day. Remember me?

Poprant leans hard on the classic rock beat to alt the torture of tomorrow with “Boxing Day.” Something… anything.

Folk rock accompanies “Boxing Day Drive” opn the way to deliver the late gifties. Mick Thomas’ Roving Commission delivers on the genre that comes after the blues.

Matthew West sneaks in some Jesus with “Day After Christmas,” country pop with the retort that Christianity never takes a day off. Keep on Christmassing!

Maybe he’ll see you after Xmas next year? Sam DeMartino’s “Boxing Day” is a pretty folk pop song with his pretty voice with some pretty messed up stalker vibe.