Category Archives: altrock

Merry Criminals! bank robbery

Apart from some footage of bank jobbers in Santa-guise, the idea of robbing a bank around Christmas is ludicrous. Banks aren’t even open at Xmas!

Overkill has a poppy naughty bit of B&E with their “Xmas Song.” There may be masks and guns and crews so let’s include this lovely novelty here. (The song ends halfway through with a gasp of a BLUE ALERT then reprises. ‘Sworth it.)

So Souveniir’s “Christmas Bank Heist,” while emo alt-fun, may not involve any actual crimes… maybe arson. But it may be the fever dream of another disaffected loser. Still, weee.

And a Party in a Pear Tree: it’s like you are there

Some Christmas party songs don’t address the party animal in the room, they ARE the animal. When you listen you are enveloped in party vibes.

Red-x Chesta is laying down non-stop dubs with a “Christmas Party” that pingpongs the beat with the pulse of the party. (He’s usually BLUE ALERT but i don’t get that here.)

The other kind of rap rolls out from Ru Paul with “Christmas Party,” a dance number that autotunes and synthstomps like the best blowouts do. Where the kids at?

The Joe and Glo Experiment noodle around with alt folk pop creating the scene with their “Christmas Party.” Can you hear it?

WAR! what it’s good for

In a more innocent time, we sang Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays in the same song. No one thought a thing about it. Let’s do that, hand in hand, you rascals.

Robert Earl Keen accentuates the absurdity of the trailer trash with trombone in the plodding “Happy Holidays Y’all.” This cut includes two takes (second on has slurring and cracking up). Oompah country.

N’Sync gets the corn roasting with “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays.” This unfiltered fluff should have opposite sides settling out of court in a hurry. Perhaps Pentatonix is more your cup of Sanka. Pretend Motown for the preteen set.

Adam Hicks feat. Ryan Newman from the Disney show Zeke and Luther zoop up “Happy Universal Holidays” for one for all. ADHD pop.

Let’s settle the bill with invision haling us with “Happy Holidays,” a greeting for one and all. Or, an egregious alt assault on our sensibilities.

WAR! armistice

Can’t we just go back to season greeting? Must it be belligerent?

Well, on the one hand, Scott Anthony Andrews maintains he’s still like a child this hopeful time of the year. “I Still Say Merry Christmas” is less about taking a side, and more about merriment, despite the cheesy synth country.

On the other hand, “Don’t Wanna Hear No Merry Christmas” is a cry of alt pain from Kittywinder because it’s a sad time of the year. Be a little sensitive!

WAR! all out fare

Let’s fool around with some more side eye on The War on Christmas. Those conservatives sound like this: fuff fu fuff uff fuffy uff fuff. Ha ha ha. Showed them up.

Erin McKeown’s Anti-Holiday Spectacular eventually introduces her singsongy ultimatum “Christmas (Love It Or Leave It)” with some strongly proclaimed un-Christian sentiments. I-ah-ron-ick!

“It’s a War on Christmas” alts out The Holiday Bloch-busters about the incursions, intrusions, and intolerance of fighting over Peace on Earth.

Dependent Claus: loved

Santa could keep his hearth and home happy with that frisky promise of bride and groom. I think that’s all a couple needs–i read that somewhere.

If the longest sentence in the English language is ‘I do,’ then maybe Santa’s stuck with Mrs. Claus and “Mrs. Claus is Ugly” according to Santa’s Angry Elves. Rude metal, but no significant swearing.

Now that the work’s done, “Let’s Have Some Fun, Mrs. Claus.” Morning delight with a gypsy waltzing lilt from Emma Wallace and Marie Bee. Well, gee, i had fun.

“Chasing Mrs. Claus ‘Round the North Pole” is just the party raunchy alt we need to visualize to feel better about the cuddly twosome. Thanks Lust Control. Now i can stop thinking about my parents’ wedding night.

WHAT ELSE? A New Box, Perhaps

Boxing Day is like turning a corner. New hope for everyone!

Merry Christmas/Christmas is over! hollers Xmas Movie Soundtrack in their “Boxing Day.” Insistent pop offers a hand into the next day. Remember me?

Poprant leans hard on the classic rock beat to alt the torture of tomorrow with “Boxing Day.” Something… anything.

Folk rock accompanies “Boxing Day Drive” opn the way to deliver the late gifties. Mick Thomas’ Roving Commission delivers on the genre that comes after the blues.

Matthew West sneaks in some Jesus with “Day After Christmas,” country pop with the retort that Christianity never takes a day off. Keep on Christmassing!

Maybe he’ll see you after Xmas next year? Sam DeMartino’s “Boxing Day” is a pretty folk pop song with his pretty voice with some pretty messed up stalker vibe.

It’s All Relative, what?

The powerful concept of family for Christmas inspires far and wide. Way far. Far side far. Some of these songs are to WTF for me to pigeonhole, but not to appreciate.

The Shake blues-metals around the bush for “Families and Christmas Trees.” Just distractions from the real meaning of life?

The Studs punk-metals a rollercoaster of feels for “Donner Family Christmas Party.” Pain = life. Don’t eat each other.

More punk metal from DIE NASTY. “It’s Christmas (My Family’s All Dead)” smells like a parody, but it’s not really about –oh i give up. Sociopathy.

More quietly, Chris Mayor draws out the alt-rock so that each word takes a half dozen notes. Christmas isn’t at issue here (i think) but family inspired by the holidays is. And “Family” is on his Xmas EP. So here goes:

It’s All Relative, the family-shaped hole

We know family is so important for Christmas when we can’t see them. That void can only be filled with a song.

Serving your country can keep you from home. Daniel O’Flaherty mourns “Christmas Without Family” in spare Celtic folk. Wait, is he in prison?

Crappy Canadian pop from Rita MacNeil promises she’ll share “With My Family.” Perhaps they’re not here right now… or they’re dead… can’t tell.

Jesse Daniel Smith gets melancholic about his absence with “Please Hang Out with Your Family,” an alt-reggae bit o’ the blues. Learn from his pain.

It’s All Relative, faux fam

Can you fake a family? ‘Course you can! ‘Tis the season to fool Pee and Em about your marital status.

Is this really a problem?! Please re-listen to Sara Baker’s “(I Hate) Every single Christmas,” a showtune about nosy relates who wanta know about your lovelife, martial status, childbearing possibilities…. Eeek.

Team Natu has a folksy upbeat number in “Christmas Man.” I’m not sure if this guy’s a Craigslist ad, but you get the idea. Funny stuff.