Category: Caroldies (parodies of carols)

Bob Rivers satirizes the David Bowie/Bing Crosby harmony on ‘Little Drummer Boy’ with “Rummy Rocker Boy.” Here a (perhaps dead) Bing teams up with a metal-rocker (Roach from the band Vomit) to drink and sing and drink. The banter includes: Now be careful son that is 151, so we know it’s the real Bacardi.

Canadian cartoonist Joren Cull outcounted us all with the nine hour jamboree “The 179 Days of Christmas.” I am not kidding. Hats (which is number 133) off to him. I dare you! [If you do have a life, however, the below link will get you the less-than-a-minute sample.] Lyrics are available, but lotta this stuff is Canadian, so… huh?

Love? Loss?

Ariana Grande changes the topic with sex, as she does, with “Not Just on Christmas.” Hidden in the pretty pop music she seethes: Wanna show you in so many ways Three hundred and sixty-five days I’ll give you all my presents, boy, I’m for you. That’s way beyond first base!

Liam Payne (with Dixie) works out the whole meet-cute on Christmas night in “Naughty List.” They spend the next three-six-five days around his place. Synthy pop, but still Hallmark Channel-esque.

Sick Logic wishes I could hide another 365 from the family when it’s “Christmas Time at the Strip Club.” Oddly industrial-techno for a garage grinder. Danceable fo sho’.

All Students go for the kink with a Pachelbel-inspired “MistleToes.” This hypnotically repetitive weirdness may not scream Xmas, just X. Yet attention must be paid.

So many songs include the grand number 1.000 for Christmas that some of them just get weird. That’s OH kay with me.

Emerson & Cassidy adorably get the lyrics wrong in “Deck the Holly Thousand Polly,” a kids’ groaner that grandparents everywhere are sure to love.

Oppositely, some judge done sent a thousand families distant in “Christmas in a Cell.” Lil Tjay BLUE ALERT requests mercy for his race for the holidays in this lively rap.

Just as angry/festive Gary Mangred hates those carols Singing about the snow A thousand klo-metres away (as well as the toys, toys toys). “I Wish It Could be Christmas Every Year” would wrangle the true meaning of 12/25 out of the mess we’re in–but it’s so goofy hipster i gotta throw it in the whatever heap. Tortured uke folk.

Metaphorically, “The Castle” by The Flaming Lips is nearly holiday-ish. It seems to psychedelically describe some feminine apex, including her brain. Her brain = The Castle, which is brighter than a thousand Christmas trees. It doesn’t end well in this throwback prog-rock doodler; i’m guessing love was lost. But imagery still burns bright.

“The Little Girl’s Dream” is the Spike Jones spoof on The Nutcracker, so look out for the war ‘against the thousand mice. And bodily noises as instruments. Bloody symphonic nightmare.

JoJo’s Bizarre Adventures is one of the best-selling Weekly Shōnen Jump series of all-time. As mangas go… i have no idea (i only watch what my son recommends). But “Joestar Jingle Bells” by Firenetic goes the distance of the nine arcs of different JoJos, including one who died in a boat In 1889. This might be for fans only.

In “The Greatest Gift” The Christmas Cards seem to think the baby Jesus was born 1900 Christmastimes ago. Or was it something Emperor Trajan did then? This whistling folk plonker shoulda stuck with the gifts at 6, 7, and 11. They were more entertaining.

Back in the 1980s the 1-900 phone lines were money-makers for Hulk Hogan and New Kids on the Block. You could get an insult, a joke, or a prayer a day for a few extra dollars on your phone bill. But, as with the internet afterwards, sex ruined everything. Matt Rogers’s “Have Yourself a 1-900 Christmas” should explain the scam if you can’t see it coming. Oh yes, and BLUE ALERT. Kids get permission.

Glad to listen to Krista Detor again. “One Too Many Christmases” explores what’s she’s got for the holidays–that loser with one too many charges to 1-900-HONEY. She’s through with that, though, the hot country beat proves it. Heave ho ho ho, bro.

From Runaway, The Musical “The World Keeps Spinning” begins with Christmas 2017. It’s depressing, but a show tune.

Vampire Weekend sings “How Long” in 2019 about how it seems like Halloween since Christmas 2017. This little pop hand plucker synths existential angst into dreamy verse. As it should be.

The Holderness Family returns with their “Christmas Jammies 2017” this time with fan videos celebrating triumphs throughout the white nation.

It all started for Malinda’s honesty in 2017. Refugees, student loan debt, and forest fires vs. ice bucket challenge, the eradication of polio, and hope make for “An Honest Christmas Song for 2017.”

Whoops, lemme sneak some I missed: With 6000 miles between us, Gastronomical Unit wants to funk you a “Christmas from Far Away.” Damn, that’s good.

And, should give a nod to Sam & Bill’s “Hanukkah Party.” 5759 is the date for the Diaspora, I presume. Got this in album form (Christmas in July) only, but boy is this worth it. Or cut to 3:24 and join the worst party ever. BLUE ALERT!

Unfortunate parodies of novelty songs bode poorly, but the randomness of “All I Want for Christmas is a Two Ton Sheep” with its zany electronica and spoiled child vocals saves the day. Wool done, W. Michael Lewis.

A million social justice wars…

A million brand new toys may be a real accounting for Santa’s workshop, but it’s a strong con for “Santa’s Day Off” around the holidays. Rock from Storm of Crows.

Alvaro Jesus Gomez & William Alexander Marquis IV bummer out the wish list with “All I Want for Christmas is (1 Million Cigarettes).” Hipster blues reverb.

What about the starving poor? Or whatever. What about the tented millions on the streets of fear? rock on Parousia with “The King of Christmas.” Better listen up.

Then there’s the millions of unemployed. “Merry Xmas Everybody” is the sardonic bastardization the Irish excel at. The Bar-Steward Sons of Val Doonican deliver with aplomb.