The mainstream delivers ‘Sleigh Ride’ every holiday season, an instrumental from The Boston Pops (1949) first with words from The Andrew Sisters (1950). Yeah, it’s a Christmas mainstay, but –yawn– it doesn’t –ho hum– help with the –what was i talkin’ about–?

A couple of versions you should add to your novelty collection spun out from this joyride are inspired by the vapidness of the added words. Mojo Nixon plays around with the nonsense syllables, and Barenaked Ladies just scat. Take that, wordsmiths!

You should also know, Anthony Daniels (following orders) makes this non-denominational number a lesson for robots (Star Wars and otherwise) to learn the spirit.

Parodies don’t bring it either. I can do without John Valby‘s tasteless BLUE ALERT schtick. Joshua Gilyard‘s Queen of the Ratchet neither amuses about gossipy girls. The Bible gets a fun synopsis to this melody by Jacob Manning. Jason, however, explains why school band members don’t like this tune.

The elevation of ‘Jingle Bells’ as a holiday song (NO Christ, NO Santa, NO presents… howso?!) means that anyone who hears the melody knows the sentiment. A slight play on the words… and novelization is born.

Now, I’m not talkin’ re-topicalification. Sure there are songs ranging from petty peeves to current culture to the secrets of life that borrow this music and make merry. That’s a rabbit hole to step over for the time being. Here we celebrate the snow and the sleigh and just scat a bit, for color.

Yogi Yorgenson does this handily with the dumb-furriner approach of “Yingle Bells,” a 1949 big Christmas hit that you might know by heart. If not, reacquaint, please.

1959 sees The Three Stooges messing up the transpo with junk in their slow-tempo “Jingle Bells Drag.” Lots of bonks and a few slaps to go with the jingling.

Paul & Paula switch up the ride to surfboards for “Holiday Hootenanny,” a kissin’ cousin to the original, but worth the wipeout. Now it’s 1963.

Homer and Jethro, a few years later (1968), cash in on what we used to call ‘frontier humor’ (now it’s redneck) with their “Jingle Bells.” More de-romanticizing of the icy out-of-doors. And loads o’ larfs.

Little has been done along these lines since those good ol’ days, so let’s go out dada-style with James Rossi’s “Jingle Bawtiba.” The title will become meaningful while partaking of this tasty morsel. Diggety-ding.

While we’re digging through the parody barrel, let’s give a moment to the ‘Imagine’ spoof by some wise guys known as Buddy the Elf. This “Imagine” doesn’t exaclty write itself, but i’m not sure who else to blame. Woo-hooo.

Sometimes… Xmas is the mark on the timeline to observe what’s no longer.

Benny Grunch compromises ‘Jingle Bells’ to recount the missing New Orleans landmarks in “Ain’t Dere No More.” (Time is so relentless, he’s got a “Pt. 2.”)

In a world… without Santa… where would presents be?

Dunt dun DUH.

Fiction Family claims “I Don’t Need No Santa Claus,” but it’s because he gots his baby. Rockabilly always needs more airtime on noveltychristmasmusic.com, so there. Swing it, swingers.

Victoria Spivey rolls out the blues when she’s got no Santa (she means a man to take care a’ her). “Christmas Without Santa Claus” is depressing, but you know what she means, don’t you all?

Shirley Booth and Mickey Rooney and co. introduce “The Year Without Santa Claus” from the 1974 Rankin & Bass TV event with a musical tribute to the ol’ bugger taking time off. Gonna need a note from the Surgeon General, boo.

Myth? BLUE ALERT angry response. “Ain’t No Santa” from Trick Daddy raps hard on the miserable world we have, which precludes the hope and love a Santa would bestow upon us. No hugs from thugs.

Christmas gets along without him, right? “The Christmas Films that Forgot Santa” are the usual suspects that people debate whether or not they’re holiday movies. Launch Control rockets the pop so you don’t take any but their side. Woo!

Jonathan Fin finishes off the whole presents for free con job with sidebars to incest abuse, god gimcrackery, and alien invasion in the ‘Here Comes’ parody “There’s No Santa Claus.” ‘Nuff said.

Worse than coal, worse than punishment, worse than being singled out for negative reinforcement at Christmas… complete indifference. It’s like that Ally Sheedy line in The Breakfast Club: ‘They ignore me.’

When you don’t get ANY presents for Xmas, well–what? You just don’t know. Calendar’s wrong. Someone forgot. Address mix-up. Or, maybe you were just that bad.

“Nuttin’ for Christmas” is the 1955 chart toppin’ complaint about disapproval by omission. About half a dozen versions vied for position. You either know Art Mooney and His Orchestra (feat. Barry Gordon) from the tin hat wah wah brass, or Stan Freberg (with Daws Butler and the Billy Mays Orchestra) from the ‘join me in the chorus okay’ comic burglar bit. (We won’t worry about the others–well, maybe the it-sounds-like-the-chipmunks verzh by Kenny and Corky a la ’59.)

To make novel this old school novelty, let’s consider the washboard country of Sugarland (yee to the haw), the a cappella of Voice Male (updated lyrics: ‘spilled some oil in the Gulf’!), the pop punk of Plain White T’s (hyper meh), which i guess is the doorway to the heavy metal of the stable band from Regimental Records (no real surprises here), the funky gnarly blues of Scarlet Tree (à propos but surprisingly uplifting).

On the way to parody let’s also consider maestro Robert Lund’s “Nuttin’ But Spam” (not really Chrsitmas). Hey Co! has a delightful Prisoner Parody behind the karaoke of the Art Mooney music. Unlawful naughtiness fits, yeah it does.

Plenty of red neck turns on Christmas songs. So many so, they blur over into the wild west just a bit.

Give Charley Green a couple minutes to shaggy dog the room, then “Rufus the Red-Nosed Cowboy” is almost charming. He tortures his rhymes with a thesaurus. Fastforward as you can.

More traditionally (somewhere) comes “Randolph the Bow Legged Cowboy.” There are dozens of amateurs sharing this with us. I like this rumpus room full of ten-year-olds. They hold the tune more than Bart Simpson ever could.

Out of left field (L.A.) come The Twang with the magnifico “Yuletrain,” a take on the ’49 Frankie Laine hit (‘Mule Train’). Thanks to Pete the elf for sharing that.

“Jolly Old Saint Nicholas (Please Come to Our Barn)” is a rushed, witty playful ditty from Aspen Black, as if she were your third grade teacher learning you some humor.

Professionally The Bellamy Brothers josh with “Jingle Bells (A Cowboy’s Holiday).” For the kids.

Wavy Noah and Uspa G try to impress Mr. McCarthy with their “Newtonmas” carol, which is solid rap with ‘Rudolph’ for a (near) backbeat. Personable and enlightening, for street nerds.

A ’12 Days’ routine from Jessica Picanzo and Sarah Butler allows for all the advanced info. “12 Days of Newtonmas” is chill, for girl physicists.

A.cute.Ang.le (is the name actually Ang Le?) delivers a fairly talented parody of ‘White’ with “White Newton(mas).” Academics can be fun(damental).