Christmas is a time for love, forgiveness, togetherness.
But let’s get real before the New Year hits us all the harder.
Déjà vu, here’s yesterday’s stars’ repeats: Before Braille gets pop this time with “Merry Christmas, I’m Cheating.” Anything left between the lines??
Joshua Gilyard leads the all-girl choir (Queen of Ratchet) to lecture your smitten face with “Your Man is a Bum.” (‘Drummer Boy’ parody, yeah.) Eyes open, ladies.
One of the worst topics to research was original holiday songs on television shows. Traditional carols pile up (sung by the stars!), and occasional alt-rock gems get discovered as background music on young peoples’ shows (The CW network). And Thank God for cartoons. I ran searches for individual programs on Youtube (Gunsmoke+Christmas+song) forever and ever. Nobody has their own blog on this topic than i can tell. It’s a lost cause, i tells ya!
Preferring the scripted terrain, i never went so far as to open it up to the late night shows who really go to town on the novelty Christmas song trope. Let’s stretch here…
Darlene Love adds vocals to “Christmas Time for the Jews” on SNL back in 2005, a soul sister testimonial that non-Christians can take over for one day while everything is closed for the observant. Hey now!
Also SNL (the year 2000), a song that scored near endless updates “I Wish It was Christmas Today,” rock nonsense from Horatio Sanz, Jimmy Fallon, Chris Kattan, and Tracy Morgan. Okay fine bye.
Saturday Night Live‘s ugly stepchild MADtv had a couple of bits worth a mention. Canada’s comic folk chroniclers Corky and The Juice Pigs bluesify “Christmas Drunken Alibi.” Didn’t mean it, baby! Actual cool blues from Harry Connick Jr (seriously) as a guest fronting “(It Must’ve been Ol’) Santa Claus.” Nice.
Jimmy Kimmel likes some odd songs, too. He joined The Killers on his show for a wonderful alt-bitofun “Joel, the Lump of Coal.” This time the punishment is the present.
A seriously sad rockblues number from James Cordon wallows in what happens “When Christmas is Over.” Peace out.
Stephen Colbert is also not ascared of musical pieces. He won an 2010 Grammy from his old show’s musical holiday ep, including the song “A Cold, Cold Christmas,” heartbroken country humor of some considerable range. In his new show he tried to contrast jolly “Jingle Jingle (Santa Party)” silly pop singing with the angry rap of political topicality. More recently he penned supposedly the worst Xmas song of all time. “Christmas is Now” (feat. Norah Jones) soft pops repetition to madness.
Finally, let’s allow for the most tangential of topics–British holiday commercials, sung about by Adam Buxton (Dr. Buckles) in “Television Ads at Christmas” to the tune of ‘Rudolph.’ A bit esoteric, but fun.
Get your adult coloring books out! Purple Christmas and orange Christmas and grey Christmas–it’s all in song!
Kick off with a bang. Grammarchist gets political with “Mr. Red Christmas” a Communist take on the ‘Year Without’ groovy tune. Make allowances for the experimental nautre of it all and we’ll be fine.
Gary Wu’s “Red Sleigh” is a pretend metal tribute to urban carnage in Santa’s name. Oh, you.
Dr. BLT addresses crop failure with his “Orange Christmas.” We’ll allow it, because of the funkiness therein.
And then he comes back with “That was Before Our Christmas Turned Blue.” The blues. Duh.
Marvin Gaye soothes our blues with “Purple Snowflakes.” Yes, it’s better than John Legend doing it. (Too pretty.)
Back to Dr. BLT with the best in color. “Black Santa” is a spoken word-rapped ‘White’-backed racially tense situation, diffused with humor.
My first few months of noveltychristmasmusic.com were punctuated with sidebars for other holidays: Halloween, Veterans’ Day. Thanksgiving, and the Festival of Lights. Man there’s fecund soil for cool tunes in the Hebrew observations (and wotta sense of humor)!
Few original songs about this holiday, the celebrators like their parodies of hit songs made jewtiful. As introduction, we should take The Bob and Tom Show with a grain of kosher salt for their “Goyisha Hanukkah.” Okay–funny. And perhaps we should excuse “Hanukkah at Our House” by those weird hipsters Barnes and Barnes. Frighteningly syncopated pop. Or the weirder “Hanukkah Harry’s Revenge” by Shark Uppercut. Harsh rhythm, random sense.
Six13 finally get around to a Jewish ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ with “Bohemian Chanukah.” Bonus points for the Hebrew subtitles. But the a cappella acting out the instruments they vocalize deducts these points. And it’s full length. (Not necessarily a good thing when it’s so serious.)
The kids from the Shul at Bal Harbor parody ‘Gangnam’ with “Chanukah Style.” It’s also all out.
Vocally unrepressed Mor Efrat Bitton takes on Sia’s ‘Chandelier’ with her “Hanukkah.” Help me here: are Dunkin’ Donuts goy? Are they the bad thing?
Out of the Wayback Machine Ray Brenner and Barry Blitzer laffitup 1967 style with the minority concerns of Hanukkah during The Holidays with “The Problem” (a minute and a half of funny ‘Jingle’ parody with some news commentary shtick).
Jinkx Monsoon & Sherry Vine get parody traditional with “Hanukkah, O Hanukkah” a fabulous redo that queers the deal.
Let’s get our money’s worth with Smooth E (he’s back!) with “8 Hanukkah Parody Songs in Four Minutes“! (‘Burn Down the Wax’/Turn Down For What – DJ Snake and Lil Jon; ‘Menchy’/Fancy – Iggy Azalea feat. Charlie XCX; ‘One More Latke Without You’/Problem – Ariana Grande; ‘Gimmel’/Timber – Kesha and Pitbull; ‘Grandma Wanda’/Anaconda – Nicki Minaj; ‘(C)HAN(N)UK(K)A(H)’/Shake It Off – Taylor Swift; ‘Jappy’/Happy – Pharrell; ‘All About That Eight’/All About That Bass – Meghan Trainor) A bit low key without the usual studio quality, AND it’s FIVE minutes long. But the boy’s got it.
The parody of all parodies (today) will dare to mock Adam Sandler with “The Shiksa Song.” Yuval (kindofa Kosher Borat) enumerates the joys of goyas (sortof naughty, but really a nice boy). Check this out.
A lot of thought goes into a Christmas blow job, at least guys never stop thinking about it. So call out the reindeer: On Deepthroat, and Biter, and Blower, and Kissit; on Gobbler, and Hummer, and Sucker, and Chewedit. But have you heard this one?
Nocturnal Emissions seems to tip the junk to ‘Battle Hymn of the Republic’ with their “Christmas Blow Job,” a finger-poppin’ pop rock song that argues the economics and practicality of the gift.
Jenny Talia answers the husband’s wish list with the resigned R+B rocker “Christmas Blowjob.” It’s a bit sad.
Matt Rogers puts the X in explicit with his ‘Jingle Bells’ whackoff: “Suck on My Cock.” This gets passed around quite a bit on the internet, if you’re wondering what the internet is for. I may have blushed myself.
What ELSE is in our stockings of perverted parodies for Christmas?!
To get you OUT of the mood, The Midnight Beast from UK sends up ‘All I Want’ with “How to Get a Xmas…” (fuck buddy). Not bad. Not Good.
Maci Sumcox gets twisty queen queer with “Fuckin’ Him by the Christmas Tree.” Brenda Lee would watch this.
Ron and the Rude Boys have that kind of party album with songs like “We Wish You a Hump at Christmas.” Boys cavorting with words they learned at school.
Thoughtful, but untalented, Vinceland dares us to “Let Us Fuck.”
Talented, but unconscionable, John Valby does up “Favorite Things” past the limit. (Mr. V has many more obscene Xmas funnies, but i can’t stand more than one at a time.)
Ordblid backtracks us to the “Horny Christmas” but metals ‘White’ nicely. Nicely twicely.
Kevin Bloody Wilson brings us back to Santa for the aw gee whiz “New Christmas Song.” Sing along if you have absolutely no scruples. Ew.
Santa’s sexy, we know that. Let’s get downtown to business and perform on the old guy.
Many parodies rejoice in Madlibbing naughty words into the traditional Christmas songs and rolling in the gales of laughter. A couple might be worth note.
The obvious (overdone) number here is ‘I Saw Mommy.’ This includes “Blowing” (Jesus Penis getting punk metal) (also Matt Rogers doing the Springsteen), “Licking Balls” (Funt Cart’s party karaoke) (also Smokestack Crew just a little more flirty off key), “Fisting” (thecircleofjerks barely harmonizing), “Banging” (Ironsnake jolly rocking The Boss) (also Helgrammites just rocking), and “Fucking” (Aanyl Pane with an odd alt-experimental number) (also Bo even odder and retro weird) (also Suicide Saints with a more traditional children’s obscene feel). Whew.
Jezebel goes all in with “F**k Me Santa” taking just a few extra steps beyond ‘Santa Baby’s eroticism.
A moment for the mimetic. Can a parody survive scrutiny by dropping the F-bomb into serious song? Let’s find out.
Big deal songwriter (Katy Perry collaborator) Bonnie McKee does just this with “Have Yourself a Merry Fucking Christmas.” See if you can slip this into shared ipod rotation at work during the holidays.
Upbeat (near metal) parody “I %!S#ing Hate This Winter Wonderland” lip serves the original with some punk posturing.
More comically, John Ploskina kvetches “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Fuck This.” Less family whiney, more apocalypso, Justin Libigs of Relatively Haunted does this twist wicked.
“Who the Fuck is Emanuelle?” by Circus Pig! only reinterprets a classic hymn with industrial raspy rock. But, you gotta admit… that’s novel.
And then, tragedy. Bad things happens all year round. When associated with 12/25, Christmas stinks.
Such a tale of woe from The Bob and Tom Show, “I Hate Christmas” is the fate worse than death. But funny, y’know. BLUE ALERT
Perhaps this is the end of a particularly abominable year. David Lea descends into madness with his “Happy Christmas” pop celebration. Don’t you go that way. Not you.
Set It Off overreacts to the extreme with “This Christmas (I’ll Burn It to the Ground).” ‘Tis the season to kill them all. Lively melodic punk.
“Death to the World” has been on the blog before. H.P. Lovecraft Historical Society knows how to hate on Christmas. Submit.
Back to the goons of Something Awful. Thaumocrates delivers “Last Christmas”–not as nostalgic Wham! whimsy, but as the ever lovin’ Armageddon. No more Christmasses–that’s all, folks! Experimental psychedelia over ‘Carol of the Bells.’
Here’s a popular throwback to the thrilling days of barebackin’ holiday hookups.
“Rockin’ Around the Syphilis Tree” is a curiosity from Andy and Mandy which wants to make up in timely girl-vengeance what it lacks in talent and cleverness. Jasmyn Neubert is a bit wittier if no more professional in “Syphilis Sucks” (to the same tune).
Steve Juno goes high with “I Got Syphilis for Christmas.” Not high road, it’s more finger pointing. But his pop warbling is pretty up there.
“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Syphilis” is awfully catchy. Renee Belsky is a med student with a pokey sense of fun. John Valby does his coarse, crude homophobic thing. The Fabulous Four Skins get us a bit more medical again with their barbershop quartet remonstrating.