Kids love to play. With their toys. With parental limits. With musical instruments. Heaven knows, i was there when Mike And John and Henry and all crashed together stringed instruments, strummed on percussive pieces and wailed Off Key about existential angst.
Here, another young collective (without appropriate supervision) chant their mystical noel “Giant Farting Christmas Tree.” Note the wiccan placement of musical supplicants as if to call forth Bloody Mary herself. Then get your naughty groove on.
Jason Mraz is a funny grammy winner and hit song writer.
“Come Here, It’s Christmas” sneaks up on you with its comedy club vibe and awkward audience titters. Let it seep in and permeate your funny bone. You may grimace.
March is foul weather, foul lines, and foul language.
So, for as long as we can stand it, follow me (children excluded) to the depths of depravity, the dirty-minded ditties… next stop the Tabu Zone.
FYI: There’s so much peppermint profanity out there we’ll spend the entire month on only bathroom-related bad words (the big F can have its own month later).
So, starting out slowly, we’ll step on a carpet frog and blame the dog: (you know) flatulence.
Certainly the standard funny here is a collection of well tuned assholes vocalizing the songs. I’ve got one or two of those albums. Ever since 1990 any boob with a Casio keyboard and some knowhow has sampled the noises of bodily functions and played those ‘notes.’ Bored now. (If you’re not, give “Silent Butt Deadly Night” a try. It’s on a Red Peters album as done by Jingle Smells. My Smelly Holidays album has it by Pull My Finger–i worry these lowbrow guys don’t get the copyright protection they need.)
I’d rather delve into the subject matter of blowing, breaking, cracking, doing, dropping, letting loose, shooting, and squeezing during the holidays. So, to open the window, here are The Little Stinkers with “I Farted on Santa’s Lap (Now Christmas is Gonna Stink for Me).” This has gone ’round the block and been covered by self-appointed humorists (for their grandkids!) all over the ‘tube. There’s even a Karaoke set up. Stick with the 2004 original.
Santa might be a robot… he’s indefatigable, omnipresent, and instant.
Twelve2five deliver rave tech music. So i wouldn’t worry about the content so much. “Santa Bot” is just an electronic ride. Weee.
“Robot Santa” by Four2one makes even less sense. I guess the whispery raps are naughty so BLUE ALERT. You’re on your own with this one, gang.
The Musers’ girlish chanting “Robot Santa” pushes my limit for modern electronic. Science fiction is starting to suck.
I renew my faith with Bret McKenzie (of the Flying Conchords) in Blazer Faith creating a video (apparently as a Target commercial… i missed this on TV). “Electronic Santa” rocks! or at least discos! It’s toy delivery and a party.
‘Tis the day to think about taking down the ornaments and calling the Boy Scouts to come get your tree. In other words, Christmas is officially over.
A New Day has begun. A New Year.
Now, much is made of turning over a new leaf on the calendar. Dieting, exercising, quitting, starting, asking… it’s all athreat today. Myself, i’m over it. No self-help from yours truly.
And some SING SERIOUSLY about this self-imposed life-changing mind-over-matter. Graham Coulton‘s is a lachrymous retrospective of the breakup he just had. Loser.
Jen Armstrong‘s is nothing new: good pipes, but the soulful siren song also laments him gone bye.
Camera Obscura‘s is more enticing vocals and emo loneliness. I can dance to this one, though. Talkin’ slooow dance….
Kevin ‘KRIA’ Allvarez‘s is Motown for kiddies with a rap interlude. It’s more hopeful and upbeat, but the electric keyboard gets old fast.
After the Curfew‘s alt-garage offering is navel-gazing future-sensing at first… then all about the breakup. It’s not her, it’s u.
Helen Reddy‘s version is so 1971 and tautological it says nothing about everything (but check out that flute solo).
Oddly, ’tis the time for proselytizing. With some fun stats and a killer clip from ‘V for Vendetta’ peacetv tries to stop your drunken shenanigans with “New Years Resolution Song 2009.” Spell it along with them!
What we’re looking for here in the novelty game is a sense of humor to cover the scent of Baby Time’s saggy diaper. So, try Rhett and Link’s “New Years Resolutions.” They’re no Flying Conchords, but they are filling that modern folk comedy rap vacuum.
Also listing non sequitors, Zoe Anne harmonizes with herself for “New Years Resolutions Fails Song.” Millennial miseries–meh! She’s adorkable, but she’s no Zoey Deschanel.
Another near-comic miss is Quiet Company’s nervous folkie “New Year’s Resolution.” Wait… are they serious?
Angry and nonsenical, Adam the Woo and Beth Vandal shout their way through “New Years Resolutions (The Song).” I’m glad they got it out of their systems.
For more of a serial killer deadpan with comic lyrics, try Nick Bunyan’s “Happy New Year Song.” He’s insulting. It’s funny.
Jack Danyells recounts his wish list with modulo and a helpful bouncing disco ball to follow the lyrics with “New Years Resolution Song.” But then he gets mean about idiot celebrities and loses his charm.
Supricky Quickie delivers a one-minute bit with “The New Year’s Song.” Nice twist, bro.
BLUE ALERT: The ladies know how to ironically change it up to. Vis a vis Coleen Wainwright with “The Boulder.” (Yes, it’s about New Years.)
Classic Comedy Gold would be the Dr. Demento fave: Scary Gary Allen’s “New Years Resolutions.” I’m imagining you’ve heard this, but let’s flash that past one mo’ time.
And, while i’m nostalgic for the past (happens this time of year), let’s go back to the ’40s for Spike Jones and His City Slickers. The cast o’ characters trot out their sfx and rude humor for their own resolutions with “Happy New Year.” heh heh …with a baseball bat! har!
Less is known about the classic carol “Jolly Old St. Nicholas” than about other 19C singables. No official publication exists with authorship. Most Yule sleuths figure that guy that wrote ‘Up on the Housetop’ (school principal Benjamin Hanby) wrote this because they sound similar and came out about the sae time. The music, however, seems to come from James Pierpont’s ‘Jingle Bells,’ at least his first go at a tune–the JB we know now has another borrowed melody. A couple conspiricists even figure Montana Slim wrote JOSN, because his was the first recording.
Clement Clarke Moore’s ‘A Visit from St. Nicholas’ in 1823 made Santy a thing. Before that (like 1600) we had Father Christmas, who was variously scary or cuddly. Dickens’ Ghost of Christmas Present is the nice version. Thomas Nast cartoons enlarged on this image (made him fat). It’s right about then songs like this one get sung house to house.
Now some people gotta make trouble, so apart from it being hilarious that this song is syncopated and similar in melody to Pachelbel’s Canon in D, those folks say THAT’s where the music came from. Compare for yourself: Erin Freund, Bill Edwards, Glissandi show you harp, piano and combo clashes. (I like these ‘accidental plagiarisms’ of this ilk. The Ventures’ Christmas Album is full of these playful pairings. I’ll never forget hearing Peter Schikele sing Frost’s poem ‘The Road Not Taken’ to the tune of ‘Hernando’s Hideaway.’ Priceless)
But, to the matter at hand. Dave Rudolf has a clumsy Jamaican parody “Folly Old St. Nicholas” recounting a Santa and run on the highway. Sleigh accidents’re not that funny any more.
BLUE ALERT Overpriveleged and angry, young Hunter tries out all the profanity he can on that authority figure in “Jolly Old St. Nicholas.” Something’s got his stocking in a twist.
Richard Pepper challenges himself to write parodies every year on his blog. His “Jolly Old St. Nicholas” is short and sour.
Stan Boreson (The King of Scandinavian Humor… from the ’60s; no one dethrones the living Yogi Yorgeson–ever) along with Doug Setterberg sing the big dumb Svede variety: “Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.” It’s narrow demographic fun.
So let’s settle back on good old Samuel Stokes. His erudite logic in “Jolly Old St. Nicholas–Change Your Ways” reexamines that red-suited elf with a critical gaze. Lissen up, Nick-o. This man should be running your PR.
Here’s a Christmas miracle. William Chatterton Dix had an NDE way back when. Making his way back from the grim edge, he reviewed his insurance company managerial duties and took on a spiritual revival. In 1865 he wrote Celestial poetry like ‘The Manger Throne’ which he set to the music of ‘Greensleeves’ and wound up with “What Child is This?”
‘Greensleeves’ had arrived much earlier, of course, and some want it to be Henry VIII’s seductive song for his consort, Anne Boleyn. Regardless, gutter-minded historians like how green stained sleeves are a sign of naughtiness like rough rolling in the hay. That did not stop several other Christmas songs being set to the ‘Greensleeves’ tune before this one. This is the big one.
BLUE ALERT: So let’s start raw with the disgusting John Valby, who liked that nasty historical view in his own “Greensleeves.” Disease and putrescence figure in hilariously too.
The more clever fooleries to deal with ‘Greensleeves’ would include Jimi Handtrix’s “Green Tea.” Not exactly Yulesy, but clever (and speeded up so it won’t take all night). Likewise is Annie and Philo’s “Greened House“–without the chipmunk voice, that is.
Cheesehead Evan tells us ‘Here’s a song about that game’ as intro to “What Crap is This?” His complaint about a ref’s call set to today’s music is why we have the internet.
Jeanne Marino comedifies our song with her standup (at The Olive Garden?). “What Child is This?” soothes that pain people who say ‘breeders’ and roll their eyes when driving by elementary schools feel.
Also outraged, Isaac Hayes as Chef from South Park sings “What the Hell Child is This?” Apart from the opening, it’s barely a parody, even with the motown backup singers (“Mary!”).
Celebrating just being a kid is Marquis DeJolie with home movies of his granddaughter. “What Child is This?” never answers the question, however, and i think he’s going to hell for using The Exorcist devil’s voice for a song originally about Baby Jesus.
Dave Rudolf comes to the present-rescue with his “What Present’s This?” sung by Megan McDonough. Centuries ago we needed to be reminded of what the shepherds and wise men were thinking… today we need to be reminded what the real meaning of Xmas is: whose is best? (It’s a great gift mystery–wait for whodunnit at the end.)
Is this the first secular (read: no angels, shepherds, JC–or symbols of his never ending love) Christmas carol? James Pierpont (uncle of historical Scrooge J P) wrote this for Thanksgiving back in 1857. And it was often abused as a drinking song (jingle those cubes in your empty glass for a refill, bae). But given its bare melodic line and overwhelming omnipresence, ‘Jingle Bells’ is the 600 lb Santa who gets whatever he wants.
Because it’s been played to death, the parodies are sadly too many too thinly spread over too little foundation. Mostly, yecch.
Classics, of course, include The Three Stooges’ “Jingle Bell Drag,” Da Yooper’s “Rusty Chevrolet,” Jeff Dunham’s “Jingle Bombs” by Achmed the Dead Terrorist. Old schoolboy fave “Batman Smells” apparently needed lots of original verses, so Steve Wilson Britted it up for the ‘tube. Yawn.
This is not counting all the odd instrumentals and animals (although Richard Cheese‘s is funny) and sfx (“Laughing All the Way” by St. Nick isn’t too stupid, either).
But when it comes down to comedy, white people, am i right? “Holidays are Hell” by MyLifeSuckers (she means her family) complains in song about shopping, in-laws, and travel because having all that money means mo problems.
The Fallen Angel Choir also belabors the monetized merrymaking you mongrels have amassed on top of the Mass. Their sell-abration is entitled “Jingle Coins.”
Most movie parodies are poorly talented filk singers with overwrought wordplay poorly done, but someone (The Deluminators) took a little more time with “Catch the Snitch.” I don’t hate it.
Urban but not quite ghetto is Crazy Al Cayne rhyming “Out on Bail.” Festive more than funny.
Because it’s such an innocent beginning to courtship, someone’s gotta pornography this scene ’til we all get upshot. so BLUE ALERT.
DIRTY: Nasty Crue metals up “Jingle Balls” for no other reason than they’re jealous of professional rockers who get all that sex and drugs. Thanks for that.
DIRTIER: Wane Fawes Hispanicly laments his latest lamest STD with “Itchy Balls.” And you thought Cheech and Chong had no legacy.
DIRTIEST: John Valby makes music hall fun with filth. “Jingle Balls” details depravity, perversity, and automobile erotica for the bells of it.
But i enjoy learning while i’m caroling. So let’s travel the world using our jingle to jingo our way into others’ customs. The Savage Muse bemoans her sad Japanese Christmas observation with “Christmas Cake.” It is finger lickin’ good. Less fun is South African Tobias Niehur wishing he had what JB promises in his “Jingle Bells.” (KINDA BLUE STILL HERE: I might take a moment for all my xenophobes out there and include that humorous misinterp of another’s language “Kinky Tom” transcripted but not translated by Arhiblog.) For sheer joy, however, Bucko & Champs replicate the New Englander experience for Down Under. Lots of new words to learn so follow along!
‘Silent Night’ is so popular it comes with its own mythology. Probably around 1818 Franz Xaver Gruber (tune) and Joseph Mohr (words) worked together to celebrate the Annunciation in their Austrian berg Even Though The Church Organ was Broken! (Get the Silent part?) A recent movie and a recent documentary have been made (not in English) arguing the hows and whys of when and where it spread around the world (transl. to English like 1863, but sung in America long before that). With great availability comes great poking fun.
A Prairie Home Companion has at it with their “Unitarian Silent Night.” It’s morose and just a bit mean.
A lovely PSA comes from off duty officers of the Huddersfield South Neighbourhood Policing Team (part of Kirklees District Police) who sing their alternative Crime Prevention version of “Silent Night“. These guys go all out.
The Biggs and Barr Show do a salubrious “Silent Wife” which is not quite country and not quite passive aggressive misogynistic scat.
Keepin it Minimal is David Solomon’s short short “Silent Gnat.” Slap splat done.
BLUE ALERT Gothika emos out a crying-boy version of “Christmas Night” to our favorite tune. He’s got something to say about how badly people treat him this time of the… sorry i stopped caring.
Just as upset is Reed Garzone, student on an English project, with “Loud Day.” So many things go wrong with his petty little existence it’s a wonder we even celebrate 12/25. Sweet harmonies with Winston Hunter, though.
Above Average Productions attempts the Jewish version with “Lonely Night.” I love a note for note parody wherein you must listen carefully to the lyrics. SADD looks good your little punims!
KWIXOTIKA posted a “Violent Night” which contrasts the peace with the, well, you know. Props for the pitch imperfect falsetto setting off the pornographic graphic nature of the descriptions.
While dozens of other witless horrorshow versions of this beloved noel get unruly, unhealthy, and unholy (all the videogame lovers need their own novelty Christmas music site–although i did enjoy the Robotech-themed “Violent Night” by Sindell Pellion), i am going to cut it short with my favorite blue collar version: “Violent Night” by Snook. It’s low class suffering, but sweetly reflective enough to warrant its inspiration from the German original.
It’s time to bridge that gap between Jews and Gentiles. (Christ was killed by Jews!?? Christ was a Jew!) Y’know a fair understanding of Chanukah is how second-class it feels in a Jesus-driven world (Judeo-Christian, my Advent!) That big fat Santa everywhere you go probably doesn’t seem so jolly when you’ve got your own family celebration in your own language waiting in the warmth of home and hearth and holiness. Allow for a tiny bit of resentment, then.
The seminal Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert “Can I Interest You in a Hanukkah?”is no longer on Youtube. But its gentility helps the goyim understand.
That reminds me of The LeeVees “Goyim Friends.” It’s some rockin’ racism, whitey!
Perhaps also check out Brandon Harris Walker’s rocker “Chinese Food on Christmas.” I actually couldn’t find one of those open on 12/25 last year. I tired. Oh, great song, by the way.
It may be hardest on the kids, or at least the Yid Kids. Their “Santa Doesn’t Come to Little Jewish Children’s Houses” from the magical album Santa’s Got a GTO: Rodney on the ROQ’s Christmas allows for the angst and the anger of the passed-over.
Actually, let’s let activist/comic Sarah Silverman express the schism of Happy Holidays with “Give the Jew Girl Toys.”
