Author: douglove1225

Xmas Dance Party: swing

Swing dance is what you do when you hear hot jazz and can’t help yourself. Symptoms include the Lindy Hop and the Charleston.

Louis Prima infects ya with “What Will Santa Claus Say (When He Finds Everybody Swingin’)” from the Depression era. It’s bit measured and careful and, let’s just say it, white. That’s so you paying folks won’t hurt yourselves first time out.

Swing has evolved to become boogie woogie, jitterbug, and rock. But jazz and blues N’awlins-up “Santa Swing Me a Christmas Tune” by Banu Gibson and The New Orleans Hot Jazz. Just a dash too much Dixieland, dawlin.

Leaning more heavily into the jazz, Duchess Di and Dave Keyes make “Swing into Christmas” sultry and slow-dancing, and gee–not so swing. But saxy!

Also, not quite there–but not to be missed–the Mother Ukers ukulele band wit up “Santa’s Xmas Ukulele Swing” giving us a soundtrack to clap to if not sashay. (Sorry for the fragmentary sample… just had to hear it.)

Some cool chick Sylvia Aimerito decided she could sing as cool as any other jazz chanteuse, so we got “Swingin’ Santa.” Not complaining, but with a little money this could be a cool cool song.

Scatting out “Swing into Christmas” some music by committee group (Smashtrax Music LLC) has latched onto the messiness of jazz with brass, electric guitar, and velvety vocals. It’s tunes for the business class, but i am susceptible to its charms.

Xmas Dance Party: two step

Some dances are so simple we just count out the steps. The two-step is a ballroom maneuver even morons who move to country-western music can manage. So slow-slow, quick-quick let’s get to it.

John Brack and Jeff Turner chortle out with electric (nee disco) country the “Christmas Two Step.” (Psst–it’s code for sex!) When country music tries to be subtle and clever we steer clear.

Suzy Bogguss gets down home and fiddling’ with  “Two-Step ’round the Christmas Tree.” And, though this is a well-covered constant of country Christmas albums, i do enjoy the showmanship of Michael Martin Murphy even cooped up in a sadly decorated studio as seen here. You can tell he REALLY wants you to scoot your boots to his “Two-Step ’round the Christmas Tree.”

Xmas Dance Party: can-can

That French one-step, the cancan, is antique but iconic. And not just for the ladies to perform, but, yeah, a spectator sport.

To the Offenbach, Straight No Chaser’s a cappella “Christmas Can-Can” made them famous and gave them a record deal while in college. It’s worth hearing every year. (Sorry if it’s becoming mainstream.)

Xmas Dance Party: waltz, two, three.

The waltz is a Bavarian couples dance wherein those frisky outdoor folk whirl around so closely their faces almost touch (to three-quarter time).

The standard selection is “The Christmas Waltz” by Frank and Andy and Karen and plenty of others. This is a song your parents’ parents are embarrassed about.

!949 wasn’t embarrassed though. Tenor crooners with angelic girl backups trilling up and down the scales made us want to get all that foreplay in that we could in the way of ballroom slow-dancing (i’ve heard). Enter Buddy Clark (with The Girl Friends), singing “The Merry Christmas Waltz.” Gordon McRae has a more sensual version for getting to second base.

Marie Vernon and the Mellomen find the beat with more big band bounciness in their “Christmas Tree Waltz,” but all i hear (despite a nice jazz trumpet comin’ out of nowhere) is prison exercise music.

The Old West was somewhere near the 16th Century (at least in mouthfeel), so Gene Autry has a “Merry Christmas Waltz” for you. It’s like big band with a hip hop back beat.

Andy gets one more in there with his “Waltz ’round the Christmas Tree.” It starts out pretty, but gets TV over-orchestrated and ends up with shouting.

Who says the oldest dances have to be ancient? Red Foley and Judy Martin make it seem like 1954 with their “Our Christmas Waltz.” It’s a slow somber dance because it’s country style and they’re going to divorce anyways.

Now what we need is an ’80s power ballad. Dobie Gray delivers with “The Christmas Waltz,” a pop step down memory lane for lovers who want to be children again.

I also want sump’m purdy–like rock ‘n’ roll with a French influence and plenty o’ saxophone: The Olympics raise the roof with “Dancing Holiday“–ma cherie ma bell.

The waltz must remain a bit stiff and formal, though. I want to stay reverential, okay maybe even depress you a bit. So, Li’l Wally revs up his oom-pah ensemble for “Sleigh Bells Waltz,” resulting in a mad mess of melancholic minuet-ing. Have fun.

Xmas Dance Party: Santa dance

Happy Hallowmas! Are your wreaths for the dead ready?

This time of year is non-stop  party, party, paw-tay! So you need a soundtrack. Well, Christmastime has many danceable selections.

You know Santa cuts a mean rug, right?

Woodcreek Faction do a killer political satire video, in addition to their 8-bit redux-es, not to mention their flat out party-licious parodies. I’m not sure if they are completely above the bar or below the radar, so don’t tell Men Without Hats… but, here is their genius “Santa Dance” (sadly without their more-than-genius shot-by-shot tribute music video). Enjoy.

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Santa Jobs: myth

On the other hand, Santa seeming omnipresent may overload our senses to the point whereas the small minded may discount any of his presence due to his inconceivability.

The Nay-Santers. The dis-en-sant-ed. The incomplete people.

A few songs, then, out of pity, for those deniers who believe Santa’s job is to be nothing.

Sigh.

BLUE ALERT. Nick Helm, comically competing on some singing show, lets his anger out a crack at the revelation that “There Ain’t No Fucking Santa Claus.” Hard rocking, hard feelings.

BLUE ALERT. Driller profanely rages metal against the milk and cookies with their “There’s No Santa Claus.” Even though he doesn’t exist, i think they’d kill him. Jesus, too.

BLUE ALERT. Trick Daddy raps the quandary colorfully with “Ain’t No Santa.” Hrm, maybe this is just a PSA directing kids to believe or end up dead nigas.

Perhaps too drunk to realize what they’re saying The Damned report “There Ain’t No Sanity Clause.” We may have crossed over into more personal garage rock issues.

Let’s stay prog rock and explore the possibility that we’ve merely misplaced the Wise Winterman. Captain Beefheart inspects whether or not “There’s No Santa on the Evening Stage.” It’s the blues.

Jazzy blues also come from Russ Lorenson singing a Barry Manilow number “I Guess there Ain’t No Santa Claus.” I think he’s confusing Santa with basic happiness. …well, that ain’t wrong.

Ron Holden and the Thunderbirds got it figured out. When they ask “Who Sez There Ain’t No Santy Claus?” they mean: who wants to have a horrible, empty life spiraling downward into doom. Rock the doo wop here and BELIEVE.

 

Santa Jobs: clones

You knew!

Santa’s secondary job, like Dr. Who’s, is to fold space-time so he can be everywhere at the same moment. He seems to be multiple copies of himself–but that’s our limited perception forcing our paradigm on his magic.

I’m glad you knew.

The Peter Pan Carolers explain their shock that there are “Ten Thousand Santa Clauses,” but never fear–they’ll blink them away.

When Gayla Peevey wasn’t shilling for hippopotami, she was counting “77 Santa Clauses.” Kids think they’re so smart.

The more adult perspective comes from Bob Rivers who, natch, turns ‘Here Comes’ to “There’s Another Santa Claus.” Yes, very clever. But you seem to be racist, Bob.

The appropriate response to “Too Many Santas” is awe and stupefaction. Although The Bobs collapse into cynicism, they do it with love. Rock steady.g00384

Santa Jobs: inanimate

I guess Santa makes a great decoration, he could make some extra scratch hiring out as a nativity scarecrow or something…

Please welcome the joys of The Christmas Jug Band (featuring lead Paul Rogers here) with there DIY instructions what to do with your jolly old elf in “Plant a Santa.” Grow a little merry tonight!

Santa Jobs: impersonator

Is Santa his real name? Is it Kris? Or Billy?

We may not ever know who this guy is.

Here are some guesses who he could actually be in his spare time.

Of course Bob Rivers has an opinion. He claims, in his best der Bingle, that “There’s a Santa Who Looks a Lot Like Elvis” down at the K-Mart store. Wait, who’s standing in for whom?

Ralph Garman similarly wonders who the real Marshall Bruce Mathers III is in his Kevin and Bean radio parody “The Real Slim Santa.” It’s a shady present no matter how you rap it.

Lee Stranger gets rock and revival with his electric “I Wanted Christ and You Gave Me Santa Claus.” Are you sure they’re two different people? I’ve never seen them together….