Author Archives: douglove1225

Baby It’s Coal: wah

Do kids actually get coal for Christmas? According to the songs, it’s a problem.

What’d I do?! wails The Pipettes in their groovy pop “Getting Coal for Christmas.” If you don’t like it, it’s ‘cuz you weren’t in the audience that night!

Girl pop (’80s style) also whines about “Coal in My Fishnet Stocking.” Palmyra Delran casts about for reasons why this travesty of Jesus’ Day was allowed. I think she blames Santa.

Yarou raps the concern in “Coal,” a mission statement on the intolerance of injustice. Strap in, you’re not gonna wanna missit.

Baby It’s Coal: gentle words to the wise

One of the kindest warnings about how to behave and avoid Santa’s anthracite comes from English lad Rob Lord a scorer of films (from Pumpkinhead 4 Blood Feud to I Am Durán) whose tinkly experimentation of tune soothes and refreshes. “Bag of Coal” is the childish hope edged with concern that Xmas will go well. Relax, kid. You got this.

Baby It’s Coal: watch the flue!

Last word on warnings about how miscreance = coal for Christmas.

Smoking Popes has a maybe-it’s-about-Christmas/maybe-it’s-not pop piece entitled “Little Lump of Coal.” You may read an inconvenient truth into it as you please. I see Xmas everywhere.

More sinisterly specific, Bill Fitzsimmons realizes the consequences for shooting the wrong deer might be “A Big Lump of Coal.” Fun folk/country.

Baby It’s Coal: what’s the use

Some negative Nellies focus only on the impossibility of a great Christmas, so they sing the coal songs.

Bob Kramer of The Fource play little punk to frame how It’s too late! and You’re only gonna get “Coal.” Neat backbeat.

Alex Barbatsis has more talent than technique with his Black Eyed Peas ‘Humps’ parody “My Lumps (Of Coal).” You have been warned. About getting coal for Christmas.

Baby It’s Coal: baby it’s you

Specific warnings to individuals about the natural consequences of coal in your stocking to naughtiness don’t come around often. It’s a blanket threat for allayouze to self reflect.

Jesse & the Hogg Brothers rage through the blues about how “Santa’s Got a Bag of Coal.” And they’ll tell you what you did, you ingrate.

“Box of Rocks,” by the Song Trust but attributed to kids (of all ages), is a fun kidsong about the letter to Santa tattling about that ketchup-wielding, Barbie-exploding sad excuse for a sibling.

Baby It’s Coal: posted

If you’re not familiar with the ‘bad tip’ protocol (wherein getting nothing is not as bad a getting a penny), there’s a song for that. That is, there’s a song (or two) explaining why coal for Christmas is a pronouncement on your maladjustment. Posted warnings include:

John Fontana drawls the blues in a frame of Mama sez for “Coal in My Stocking.” Take it to heart, young man–before Valentine’s Day.

Nolan and Jake from Canada have dropped a few songs on the ol’ Youtube as nolziz28. Of note today is their pop rap “You’re Gonna Get Coal for Christmas.” These Stranger Things runners-up get into the swing of the season, but ought to avoid close-ups. And avoid overlong comedy sketch set-ups, too. (A full minute before any singin’!!)

Haschel Cedricson employs a banjo to better effect with “He’ll Bring You Coal.” This pokey bluegrass masks bitterness with back woodsy folksiness. And that’s how you do humor.

Baby It’s Coal: judgment

The threat of coal in your Christmas stocking measures a culmination of your evils set on a balance ‘gainst your goods.

Mocking those with Christianity on their lips but not in their hearts, Delores Dagenals almost apologetically strums out the folk denouncement “Stockings Full of Coal.” Yeah, you better listen!

Also turning the lump of coal story on its ore, David Dondero folk rocks us the tale of the tormented trannie who inspires us to fling the middle finger to those who have purported this intolerant age. How do you like them briquettes, the man? “Samantha’s Got a Bag of Coal” only touches on a Christmas tradition without being a true carol, but please sing along for the spirit of the season. Thank you.

Baby It’s Coal: origins

One of the oddest traditions of Christmas is how bad children still get a little sumpin in the form of a lump of coal.

Let’s not rehash the various histories that various nations claim to originate this Santa shenanigan. Let’s dwell in the hearth that laments and lauds this practice until we finally get into the ore of the mine.

Although previously hailed as a novelty masterpiece, The Killers (w/Jimmy Kimmel) open our journey from the POV of “Joel the Lump of Coal,” allowing us to see the peripeteia the innocent may project over the mean machine of Christmas to a happy ending. Love that alt-pop.

Yee Haw-liday: when is a cowboy not a cowboy

The term ‘cowboy’ has been extended and over-used to the point where every self-styled cool guy from a specific geography gets to call himself whatever. Twentieth and twenty-first centurions hardly qualify. But they still sing about the life, even straight-faced to God on his birthday.

A friend of Muddy Jack’s, Juddy Mac, has penned and strummed a number about an hombre that helped him when he had car trouble around the holidays. Wishing the good samaritan a “Cowboy Christmas,” he yippie-ki-yai-ays his troubles as if he were deserving of the assignation. Close, but no cimarron. Appreciate the talent, though.

Clay Walker’s “Cowboy Christmas” has screechy pop fiddlin’, but it’s about a day-late, dollar-short loser off the rodeo circuit who can’t face the family. Dude, i says.

Moe Brandy remembers what must be “A Cowboy Christmas” while slogging through Christmas tree farms. Good memory. Country pop sing song.

Let’s polish off the saddle horn with a last near-miss sentiment from Don Edwards. “Every Day is Christmas in the West” is thoughtful set of similes making the cowboys’ travails like your decorated front room. Pretty.

Yee Haw-liday: espanol

Since Mexicans may have started this whole cowboy thing, let’s give a moment to the original cowboy observance of Christmas.

Daniel Schorr (with alternating Spanish and English) serenades us with “El Vaquero de Navidad.” I love the ho hos and the childish wonder. Welcome to the OK corrido.