Monthly Archives: January 2020

Merry Criminals! rapine

I can’t look. This is the worst. Even ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ isn’t this offensive.

The Bronze Cooter giggle their amateurish way through white insouciant, supercilious ignorance with the callous “Christmas Rape.” They saw Santa and mama under the Christmas tree with folk stylings. Then it gets worse.

Kunt & The Gang spell out how “It Can’t be Rape (It’s Christmas)” with elementary educational kidsong. Yeah, really.

Begging for forgiveness, Pariah Carey admits “All I Want for Christmas” (you read that right) is acceptance after all the (alledged) rape (and murder). Reflective punk, if you dare.

El Privates admit the insufferable horror here but want to teach by example of the singing rapist in “A Christmas Warning.” Heed the pop bouncy stomach churning breeziness.

Merry Criminals! multiple homicide

You don’t buy presents for just one person, do ya? So why would you kill just one person at Christmas? Let’s go full Herod and let God sort ’em out!

Angry Johnny and the Killbillies, once again, take us to mayhem-ville explaining why “Daddy Won’t be Coming Home for Christmas.” You know. But it’s rockabilly, so listen anyway. They attempt parody with “Slaughter in a Winter Wonderland” for those who like that sort of thing. BLUE ALERT

Leaning into the pscychosis Santa’s Angry Elves starts out with arson then moves up to “Murder by Christmas Tree.” Those carolers deserved a metal demise.

Captain Bob Frapples didn’t mean to kill… twice. But in the rock pop “Merry Christmas Murder” he’s willing to replace his wife by dressing as her. Anyway the yellow latex Santa hat goes or i go.

Least Christmassy, most murder-y “The Murder of the Lawson Family” (sometimes known as “The Story of the Lawson Family”) wails out the Daddy Lawson murder-suicide of the seven-member clan (a teen-age son out on an errand reportedly missed the whole thing) on Christmas Day 1929 North Carolina. Sharon Needles does this honestly but with old-timey filters and sfx which cheapens it just a smidge. Elephant Micah does this hauntingly with tom-tom and saw. Doc Watson adds a lilting pep to it–traditional yes, but eww. I do like Dave Alvin whose pacing and range adds gravitas. The Stanley Brothers are most reverential with this first of the tellings.

Merry Criminals! homicide

Look at all these presents i got for Christmas, i made a killing!

Kunt and the Gang roast Mike for drunk driving and vehicular homicide for the holidays in “Killed a Kid at Christmas.” Hilarious (dark) British sketch musical.

The same thing done suitably depressingly blues rock (Tom Waits-ish) spirals down with Billionaires Club in “Happy Holidays from the Taggarts.” What coulda been dysfunctional-family-brutal takes its time to ballad out a horrifying manslaughter. I mean really upsetting. Guess that makes it an I-dare-you song. Don’t look away, or i’ll double dog ya. (I happens to love it.)

Revenge of the Egg People have a bone to pick with Father Christmas. “Seasons Greeting Felony” is a rock party tribute to taking the life you didn’t want to have around. Ouchies.

Merry Criminals! attempted homicide

Plead temporary merriment! Wanting to kill someone shouldn’t be so bad for that time of the year. But, after all, Santa is watching….

“Frosty is the Devil” and announces how bad he wants you dead, according to the metal of Santa’s Angry Elves.

The Hatchet Family want to BLUE ALERT “Kill Santa Man.” Rap premeditation. Unnastand?

Princess Rizu cosplays videogame antics with the parody “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Murder.” The quickest way to a man’s heart is through the chest wall with a sharp knife.

Merry Criminals! reckless discharge of a firearm

Out of fireworks for the holidays?! Load up the Official Daisy Red Ryder Range Model 1938 Air Rifle BB Gun and blast in the Lord!

Angry Johnny and the Killbillies go ’round the neighborhoods “Shootin’ Snowmen” as a Christmas tradition. A little C4 for a carrot nose and voila!

Merry Criminals! bomb threat

Not a recommended way to avoid the family during the holidays, but an orange alert certainly will destroy the joy of your base of Xmas operations.

Jeff Dunham, duh, has a terrorist comedy song from Achmed the dead terrorist, “Jingle Bombs.” It caters to the fearful.

Fortress of Attitude dances the pop out of “Bomb Threat Christmas.” What’s the last package left under the tree?? Oh no!

Merry Criminals! cartels

I’ve dipped into Xmas drug snuff plenty before. But there’s always room for one more narcotics-related seasonal song.

A ‘Little Drummer Boy’ harmony parody (a la Bing/Bowie) funs up the crack problem. “Little Robbie Boy” by Spiffster is impressive in its awfulness.

Street troubadour Billy Basturd caroldy-es his “Drug Cartel Christmas” to ‘Jingle Bells,’ yet he’s riffing at warp speed. So i enjoyed parts of it.

Merry Criminals! felonious Santa

Naturally as Santa is more powerful than us we joke about how he’s up to no good. But the finger pointing just got real.

At times the mud gets so flung pedophilia rears its childish threat. Kruxy croons “A Touch of Christmas” as a folky conspiratorial eff-you to Big Red.

Arlo Guthrie’s iconoclastic “The Pause of Mr. Claus” side-eyes the jolly old elf as if one of ‘these guys’ looking to get beat on by one of ‘those guys.’ He’s a dope-fiend, Communist, and worse through those narrow minds.

A treasonous militia seems to form around S.C. in the song “The Gift” by Do You Hear What I hear (feat. Screwy). Cheer and gifts are the weapons of his cult–so you’d better watch out. Electric blue grass.

Merry Criminals! crooked Santa

The usual suspects around this time of year includes one slippery red-suited sneaky surveillor.

The Mafia Guys moan a minor key dirge “If Santa was a Criminal.” Pretty cynical… wait, i’m getting convinced of his nefarious ways! (Many crimes enumerated.)

In the BLUE ALERT “Santa Killa” Dark Half charges Mr. Klaus of burgling cookies, jaeger, weed, and the coin as well. That’s a rap.

Wendell Ferguson closes the case with “Santa’s Doing Time,” a gnarly blues recitation of injustice. A flimsy folk take on “Santa’s Doing Time for B and E” has Steven Pugh entertaining/horrifying the kids.

Nigel Cuff looks at Santa and sees two things: B & E. Rollicking rock with a tint of punk in “Santa Claus is a Criminal.”

Merry Criminals! domestic abuse

As tragic as this social illness is at this warmest of times, attention must be paid to violence in the home over the holidays. I mean shit.

Danny Peralta’s “Domestic Abuse on Christmas Eve” is an odd way of observing the betrayal of the hearth. This unplugged guitar jam is all excuses and insults as if POV the abuser. This mumbling prevarication neglects even the mention of Xmas, which may be the unkindest cut of all. Cold.