Month: January 2016

The Future: Star Wars (1)

Star Wars is no longer the dim past (A Long Time Ago), but now belongs to the distant future (2017, 2019).

Let’s get the nonsense of the 1978 TV Christmas Special out of the way first. It was a cash-in by friends of friends who thought they were feeding the fanfrenzy (it introduced Boba Fett), but was disavowed by Lucas on down as horrible. All videos and music is unofficial and bootleg. Nonetheless Bea Arthur is the singing barkeep at the Mos Eisley den of thieves. Her “Goodnight but Not Goodbye” sorta set to the cantina music is the stuff of camp–hardly holiday. Carrie Fisher at the finale sings about the Wookie Christmas “Life Day” sorta set to the main Star Wars theme. Let’s move on quickly.

We need real Christmas music with a Star Wars excuse to sing. So let’s skip ahead a couple years to 1980 and the Christmas in the Stars concept album. This was a minor release by a label that made $ off the disco Star Wars theme then went out of business before they got Lucas’s blessing on this oddity. No second printing. Rhino Records resurrected  it to digital in the ’90s. (They say the cassette tape is worth big money.)

For an in-depth look at this must-have novelty Christmas album see the CBC Music article.

Most of the album is recited rhyme (sprechgesang) by Anthony Daniels trying to convince R2D2 the spirit of Christmas is cool. Standouts include “What Do You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb)?” and the “Sleigh Ride” rap.

And my own favorite: “R2D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas” with vocals by the producer’s cousin Jon Bon Jovi.

The Future: Dr. Who (5)

The empire of Dr. Who fans ranges and rages beyond my ken. Many Christmas songs are decorated with clips from the show; many parodies of pop songs (no Xmas references) litter the internet; the skits no know end… but, to tie this all up with a tidy bow: we present the last dregs of Whovian Holiday Carols.

Lui C Acoustic sings his young heart out into “Dr. Who Christmas Song.” This aptly characterizes the average fan: a thoughtful, creative outsider who would jump at the chance to travel the galaxy for a lark.

Margot Vandersmissen’s “Last Christmas (A Doctor Who Song)” is a mournful love chant to a pop Christmas dreadful. Adorably amateurish.

“Song for Ten” by Neil Hannon is not Christmas, but it says it is. Promises for happiness and love…. blah humbug.

“Abigail’s Song” by Katherine Jenkins suffers the same complex–it’s from one of those dandy Dr. Who Christmas episodes, so while operatic it’s just plain about the pain of life.

Lindby’s “Time Wimey Christmas” is a fun parody. Danceable.

Zuzanna’s “Cloister Bell Rock” is mostly fun for the fans.

“Jingle Bells: Doctor Who Style” by JaLynn TardisGeek makes up in sass what it lacks in sound quality.

Kanal van Puscherube “All I Want for Christmas is Who” makes mad filk uke-ing. More passion than polish.

Better tech fun (not that good… it is for Dr. Who) arrives from Yukeh’s “All I Want for Christmas is Who.” It’s the same parody but it focuses on the fan and her homemade music blog. It’s not festooned as much with bits from the show as with her own skits. Go fangirl. (And her dad.)

The Future: Dr. Who (4)

Not as popular as the rubber-suited freakazoids are the accouterments of Dr. Who.
James Mullins eventually sings part of “(I’ve Been) Dreaming of a Blue Tardis” and an opening for “I Want a Sonic Screwdriver for Christmas” for a bit entitled “If Christmas Songs were Written by Dr. Who Fans.” It has the beginning of promise.
The same and more of these TARDIS filk songs from fanzines (with lyricists credited this time) are sung by a shirty old bird and his ancient mum in “Doctor Who Christmas Filk Songs.”
A Blue Galaxy Project slogs through “TARDIS The Blue Police Box” making parody without making humorous sense.
Barely Christmas is “Do You Want to Steal a Tardis?” mostly by North Rory. It’s a riff on that “Frozen” song. Some masterly fun.
“I Want a Tardis for Christmas” by Legendary Noobs is a love song of regret and man-chanting. But us savvy movie-goers know that having a time travel device never helps lost love, ya doomed-to-repeat-history head bangers. Still, rock on.

The Future: Dr. Who (3)

Perhaps you’ve noticed some of the scifi color in the Dr. Who TV series. Well, the aliens/monsters sometimes have bigger fan clubs than the Dr. gets. And they get their own carols.

Strax, the Sontaran Commander, is bellicose and stentorian about it. In a cast extra, he bellows out his “Songtaran Christmas Carols” and it might make you laugh.

Daleks, by far, outdo the other villains of the show. Although within their trashcan shells they are withered abortions, they often come across as nothing more than spoiled, megalomaniacal kittens, don’t they now… yes they do!
For a quick pic of how Daleks celebrate Xmas check out John Smith’s (not a song) ‘tube “A Very Dalek Christmas.” Half a funny.

Miles Quartermaas uses the altered voice for a brief chuckle with his “Dalek Christmas Carol.” Moving on…

“Basil the Dear Old Dalek” by WeTheSciencey is a wee bit o fun on Rudolph’s tune.

The Time War that destroyed the Time Lords and the Daleks is lovingly echo-echo-echoed by Connie and Connie to ‘Silver Bells’ in “Gallifrey Song.”

Trying even more hard is Zuzana Stolinska with “Trenzalore” (to the tune of ‘Let it Snow’). This Moebius mess requires a couple Dr. Who reference guides to follow.

Mike Horner’s Timey Wimey Puppet Show satisfies more with “Carol of the Daleks.”

But, in order to rock, witness The Go Gos back in the mid-’60s, who had a minor hit with “I’m Gonna Spend My Christmas with a Dalek.” Extremely exterminable. [The Modest has a killer video for their cover.]

The Future: Dr. Who (2)

Because the fab over-the-pond children’s imaginarium Dr. Who has gone through a dozen (so far) ‘regenerated’ lead actors, it has fallen prey to ‘The 12 Days of Christmas’ curse (nothing more banal than being the subject of that mindless, mundane echolalia).

Literary Ethnography does “Twelve Days of Christmas (Doctor Who Edition)” as a list of favorite monsters–mostly. It’s stiff upper Brit and a test of one’s patience, as it should be.

As a tribute to the showrunner, Steven Moffat, Sherwhovians has clipped together some amusing show moments with a jolly electronic tune running behind and ballooned some captioned comedy riffing on the “12 Days of Christmas-Dr. Who.” It’s fun for fans.

Trent and Brayden fanboy up their family room with a hearty “Doctor Who 12 Days of Christmas.” Travel back in time and don’t watch it. Or Kelly Martin‘s. Or Thecrackinyourwall‘s. Or theDXT‘s. Or Amy Rae‘s (better voices). Or Matt Shan‘s. Or Sarah and Lizzie‘s.

Yeah, this is played out already. John Graham mumbles through “A Whovian 12 Days of Christmas.” But this one is only about Matt Smith’s 11th Dr. As with the best ’12 Days’ he changes up the lyrics with each iteration. Smart.

The best rounds here are the ones that credit each of the twelve Drs. with some aspect of that character. Most basic is T.J. Jackson’s “12 Doctors of Christmas.” Apart from some daffy animation, each different day is merely the name of the next actor. (Even more minimalist is David Dunlap‘s slide show to music.) Most astute is Petra Elliott’s “12 Doctors of Christmas.” Each verse is all about an individual Doctor–only for the avids (great finish). The Brony with the Bow Tie tries his “The Twelve Incarnations of the Doctor” with endearing attempts at humor. Missed it by that much. Hope Spears does even less well with her earnest geekitude in “12 Days of Doctors.” Make it stop. Thomas Seymour compels cos-playing awful-singers to perform in their “12 Days of Christmas-Dr. Who.” Ecch. Finally more clever but befuddling is the excellent clip show to Bob Rivers’s ‘The 12 Pains of Christmas’ done by T.D. Possum. Each Dr. is featured ordinally but 50 years of tape is synched up (almost to lip-synching) with this funny business. Kiki Lnxwell does a micro-version.

There are no best of here as far as original songs go. So I end with The Order of Gallifrey who seem to having the most fun while embarrassing themselves the least over “12 Doctors of Christmas.”

…just pretend the other homegrown versions don’t exist.

The Future: Dr. Who (1)

It’s a new year, with thoughts of the future. You know, science fiction. For those not in the know, Dr. Who is a TV series from the UK beginning about when the James Bond movies began. Except for a massive collapse in the ’90s (lasting 15 years) the show has been educating children as to relativity, totalitarianism, and xenophobia for generations.

For those who know Who, here’s a fairly cast, fun, in-house bit with various Drs. gathered for the Yule (you think your family get-togethers are weird…): “Christmas Day Dr. Who Style” by the Dead Ringers.

Why so many Doctors? Time travel and casting for a TV series gets tricky. So this character gets to have an occasional death scene and then come back as a ‘regeneration’–all quite JC and Christmassy, don’t you know.

To keep the spirit merry, then, join Not Quite Literally Productions with the “Regeneration Carol.”

State Enough Already: American Samoa

American Samoa is not Samoa, which doesn’t belong to us. AS was occupied around 1900 and has never been fully adopted. It’s an unincorporated territory. Kind of a hobby, i guess. The big exports are tuna and military recruits (no other jobs, brah).

Some of the carols in Samoan are pretty, if a little electric. Like, you know, “Alofaaga mo Toa o Samoa” by the Petesa-Uta Congregational Christian Church of American Samoa Choir. Or, on the pop side, Mr. Tee and Zipso (a morning Zoo radio duo??) rap out “Manuia Le Kerisimasi.” Great guitar riffing (Island Bluegrass??) and purdy pop holiday moods come from Panesi Afulao with “Tu’u Mai Lu Lima.” It’s a two-step, fur sure.

As for English The American Samoa Community College Choir sings Dr. Paul Pouesi’s heartbreaking (i guess) paean for the tsunami victims back in 2010: “Christmas is Here Again.” (I’m pretty sure that’s not ironic.)

I’m going to settle on the language i don’t know, however, because ANZ Bank Choir rock me with “Samoa’s 13th Days Christmas.” It sounds like ladies vs. gents, but i kinda wanna sing along.

State Some More: N. Marianas Islands

Boy this keeps going on and on…

The Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands include 14 parcels of land spread over 300 miles. Most of the people (less than 2% white) live on Saipan, Rota, and Tinian. They are of Chamorro extraction, and became part of the US back in ’75. Some funny-business banking there, but also sweatshops.

Or–i dunno–you could look it up yourself. I’m guessing.

For a quick primer of Christmas music here check out “The 12 Days of Christmas” as sung by Maggie Naputia and her posse.

For proper Chamorro, there’s Sons of the Marianas “Christmas Song.” Catchy, but my translator leads me to believe it’s vaguely racist. And then there’s Frank ‘Boko’ Pangelinan singing “Merry Christmas.” This seems more reverential, in a shake your money maker kind of way. Definitely Pacific Islander in melody is Gus B. Kaipat with “Christmas in the Marianas.” I feel like standing at attention with my hand over my heart and my hips slightly swaying.

Back to the American language: Walter Manglona gets all electric with his hip hop “Christmas Time is Here Again.” I can’t tell if mo marianas is mo problems, but he’s selling the music. Peace, Pacifickers.

State Et Cetera: Guam

Guam is the jewel of the Marianas Islands… which we also ‘protect.’ It’s all military and touristy. A nice place to visit (Magellan liked it)….

For a taste of the people and their language and our electric keyboards try “Chamorro Christmas Songs. I may be hearing a bit of polka oompah. The Germans used to own the Northern Marianas. Hmmm.

Louise and Friends sing “Santa’s Island in the Sun” as a truly dreadful disco rap. They want to entertain you–or time travel.

St. Francis School Honor Choir brings us “Christmas in Guam” with harmonies of angels missing teeth piggybacking a ’70s backbeat. Their innocence truly makes this tiny rock a paradise for the holidays. (For a grittier version check out the slide show version here.)

State Extra: Puerto Rico

Time to finish up our duty-free duty:

FIFTY DAYS OF ‘MERICA-MAS: the rest

Although i finished State Fifty: Hawaii back on the fifth of December, USA gots some provincing to do…

The people of Puerto Rico have had citizenship since 1917, and the archipelago has been a commonwealth since 1952, but PRs have regularly defeated bills to vie for statehood. More Puerto Ricans live in the continental than on the island. Poverty and unemployment are rampant. then again–party-time for touristas. And ‘West Side Story.’

Although locally colorful noeling includes La Parrandas Navidenas, and Exitos Navidnos de Puerto Rico, i no habla.

So quick pick (another Dr. Demento fave): Rickie Vera singing “How Can Santa Come to Puerto Rico?” It’s on a lovely compilation entitled Mambo Santa Mambo from the friendly folks at Rhino.